BK Minis and Sundaes!

I saw a commercial last night for new Burger King Minis- tiny burgers, cheeseburgers or chicken burgers in packs of 4, 6, or 8. So, 12 hours later, Josh and I took a trip to our local Burger King, where they weren't even on the menu! After an awkward conversation with the drive-thru girl, we had our lunch.

Here's what the boxes look like:

and inside:

These are weird. First of all, all of the bread is connected. So if you're sharing these, your fingers will be all over each other's food. And the weirder part? The meat is connected. Yes, the MEAT is connected. I know there are far more gross things to be bothered by when eating fast food, but this really bothered me.

WTF?

As you can probably tell by this picture, they were pretty haphazardly put together. I know it's FAST FOOD, but come on Burger King- you make a point at lying to everyone in your commercials, saying that everything is cooked right there on the spot, can you at least pretend to care how your food looks?

But I digress- as a fat guy with a huge beard and long raggedy hair, I will stick with lying to myself and saying that too much emphasis is put on looks. What matters is this: How were they? I'll let Josh's face answer that question:

meh.

They were the definition of blah. The burgers tasted like burned meat and pickles- I barely tasted anything else. When 70% of the sandwich is the bread, the heart of the sandwich has a pretty serious job to do, and it failed. Theroll was actually the highlight- very light and fluffy. But the inside was a big failure.

Does this look like anything you'd want to eat?

The chicken was decent though- it could have used more mayonnaise, but the lettuce was crisp, the "chicken" was crunchy and pretty tasty- more like a McDonalds McChicken than any chicken Burger King usually puts out (so, a vast improvement). I definitely tasted a strong pepper flavor. We both liked the chicken more and were sad that we had to eat our burgers instead of just more chicken.

Even though the chicken was pretty good, the problem with these is that there is just no need for them. I've never really understood the appeal of sliders and mini burgers- it's just more bread! Why order something you love in a mini version where they just replace what you love with bread? Doesn't make an ounce of sense to me. And these are no different. And even if you wanted to eat a mini burger just for a snack or something on the side, they should sell them in packs of 2, and have them individually wrapped, or at least not connected like some science experiment gone wrong.

Here's how I see it: 

4 mini chicken burgers= Just short of 4 bucks- tons of bread, connected meat, and tiny.

2 value menu chicken sandwiches= Around 3 bucks, individually wrapped, more meat, more everything.

1 tender crisp sandwich= Around 4 bucks, enormous and delicious.

4 mini cheeseburgers= A little over 4 bucks, tons of bread, connected meat, tiny, not good

2 double cheeseburgers= Around 3 bucks, individually wrapped, tons of meat, more cheese, delicious

2 double stackers= 4 bucks, individually wrapped, tons of meat, more cheese, delicious sauce, BACON!

1 deluxe burger= More than 4 bucks, but enormous and delicious.

It just doesn't make sense. I give these a D-. The chicken was decent and I guess this may appeal to some people, but I see these as nothing more than a gimmick that people will try because it sounds neat and then, disappointed, return to what they got before. 

While we were at Burger King, it seemed like a perfect opportunity to try some of their new soft serve desserts. I don't know where Burger King has been in the dessert department for the last 8 years, but while they were offering weird cakes and cookies, I was ordering dinner at Burger King and then driving my fat ass over to McDonalds to get a McFlurry. They finally stepped it up and got some soft serve. BUT, they don't offer anything like a McFlurry (which we all know is just a delicious, but ultimately failed attempt at making the vastly superior Blizzard). They instead offer milkshakes and sundaes, with some solid combinations. Notable flavors were: M&M, caramel, chocolate, strawberry, and strawberry banana.

I got the M&M, which was soft serve ice cream, mini M&Ms like they have at McDonalds, hot fudge, and for some reason, caramel. 

Here's what it looked like after driving 5 minutes in 80 degree heat:

And here's what it looked like when I gave up on it:

Depending on how you like your sundaes, you should be able to see either the genius of these, or, if you're like me, the problem: WAY too much sauce. I know that's crazy for a guy writing a blog called FATGUYFOODBLOG, but I'm sorry, I like to be able to taste ice cream and chocolate (and caramel for some reason), not just suck down gallons of goo. The entire bottom of this was sauce- there was so much in fact, that I began to lose M&Ms in the mixture. If they'd calm down a little on the sauce, or if I just ordered it with none on the bottom, this would have probably been pretty awesome- the soft serve was pretty good and very vanilla-ey, and the chocolate sauce was fantastic- very thick and gooey like Dairy Queen's. But it was just too much. C+, but I give Burger King an A for finally stepping it up in the dessert department.

-Mike

The Captain America Donut & Tri-Cup Coolatta...

Dunkin Donuts put on their big summer promotion surrounding the Captain America movie.  Nerds got all excited when they started seeing Cap's shield emblazoned on the side of every 400 pound white trash woman's large iced coffee, myself included. When I started seeing the ads for the Star Shaped Captain America donut and the Coolatta with three flavors in one cup, I knew that the day would come where these items would make their way onto the Fatguyfoodblog.

But I'm sure you're asking yourself, "Those items have been out for a while, the Captain America movie came out last week, why on Earth have these items not been reviewed yet?!" Well. The truth is...I've been holding off out of sadness. Because they are awful. 

How could that be? 

I'm about to tell you. 

But first, so you don't doubt my love for the Sentinel of Liberty...

Look into the eyes of a true American Hero.

First, we'll take a look at the Captain America donut...Here's what it looks like in the ad. A work of art:

Now here's that it looks like in real life...crap.

Seriously. How is this even supposed to be the same thing? Granted, I'm not expecting perfection but this? THIS?! It's just a random blob of dough completely immersed in a casing of waxy frosting, then rolled in a pound of Fourth of July sprinkles. 

Inside? Same old jelly they slap into all their jelly donuts. Nothing special at all. This donut was a disgrace to the United States of America. Even the donut itself was slightly stale. No redeeming qualities at all. 

I was asked by my dear friend Abby to review the Captain America Tri-cup coolatta. She must have been wondering where the review was because I kept putting it off. But now she will know the truth. It sucks. 

But...it starts out looking pretty damn cool...

Cool cup, right?

The cup itself is unlike anything we've ever seen before. Pic of Cap on every side, three separate partitions to house the different flavors...

The weird part about it is that it's not a piece that goes down into the cup, that you can take out later for when you want to bring the cup home and keep it. It's built right in. Which...kind of sucks for anything beyond this coolatta. But whatever, right? You have Blue Raspberry, Cherry, and you're supposed to have Vanilla. Everywhere online says that's what the last flavor is. But the kid at Dunkin Donuts that fateful day told me that everyone makes it wrong and that you're supposed to make it with lemonade as the third. Well it turns out, it doesn't matter. Because it's still gross. All three flavors are just completely weird chemical fruit flavors. Totally fake and you know it's just syrup pumped into some ice. It burns your throat and is almost tough to taste the differences in the flavors once you start drinking it. 

Would vanilla have changed it all the much? I doubt it. I'm a fan of coolattas. Mostly the coffee ones but every once in a while I have a Tropicana one. But these flavors here are just awful. I wouldn't even say to try it once. It's not worth it because you can't do much with the cup after.

I drank half and let the other half melt in the sun while I swam in a lake and then I dumped it out and brought the cup home, because no nerd can resist having a cup with superheroes on it. Even if it was from a god awful drink. 

But, in the spirit of Captain America, a man who rushes fearless into battle, I faced down all three flavors at once and lived to tell about it...

So. Gross.

The final verdict: D for DON'T try either of these. Despite your love for Cap. 

Review by Rich.

Burger King ULTIMATE soft drink dispenser

I awoke this morning to a text from local wrestling superstar Brian Fury stating how his sister told him about this mega touchscreen soft drink dispenser, with over 120 different drink combinations at the Burger King down the road from me. I'm not much for soda, but I am a FATGUYFOODBLOGGER so I felt it my duty to arise, and take to the mean streets in search of this to dance in a fountain of pure sugar bliss!

I was hesitant to go here. I've been here before and a kind, respectful gentlemen had gotten into the managers face about how he had treated his girl in the drive through. Stating he'd never come back to this "Raggedy Ass" Burger King again, as well as insulting the managers position and life and pay grade. But noon on a monday, has a very different crowd and atmosphere.

much smaller than i anticipated

This glorious machine sat a little out of place, haphazardly thrown in place of the old trough style soda dispensers. Ladies and gentlemen, it's 2011.

simple, organized. i seem to notice how unattractive the "water" button was made. 

As a first taste test I decided to hit up Coke Zero, not the fattest of choices I know, but I wanted something familiar to taste test this black beauty.

After selecting a main cola base, there arises a sub menu in which you can choose from Cherry, Orange, Vanilla, Raspberry, Lime, Lemon, and Cranberry. Noodling through the menus, this is the standard for most drinks on the menu, tossing in a strawberry here and there. I think this is a step forward in the consumer actually having a choice in what kind of flavored drinks they can order to quench their multiflavored thirst. Bravo BK. 

So I got vanilla, and cherry, and orange Coke Zero. as well as an orange Vault, vanilla Vault, and then topped off the decadent soda orgy with a strawberry lemonade.

As far as flavor, the soda flavors overshadowed any of the flavor shots in the ones that I tried, leaving only the faintest of aftertastes of whatever additional flavor you chose. The only spot I found this not to be true is in the lemonades, which were absolutely fantastic. Dare I say rivaling any of the flavored lemonades you can acquire from your chain sit down restaurants? DARED.

A+ for innovation and letting my brain marvel at the possibilites
B- for flavor (but what did i expect)
A+ at forcing me to try different flavors and making me gut wrenchingly sick
-Josh

thank you King for giving me more choices, this machine still needs further exploration but the only two suggestions would be to up the syrup count for a more noticeable flavor burst, and the ability to mix said flavors.

careful, use both hands

Hershey's Air Delight : Aerated milk Chocolate bar.

Sometimes when you are a part of a site like this, you run into a situation where you see something new in the store and know that you should get it to review, but you just don't want to. You just have a bad feeling from the start but your urge to bring snack knowledge to the masses overcomes it and you end up buying the item. A similar situation brings us to this review.
The Hershey's Air Delight.

Yay it's a hershey bar...but with more air....wtf.

The package declares that it is "Aerated Milk Chocolate". What does that even mean? Well instead of being a regular Hershey bar, it has holes inside. Yup. Same cost, but less chocolate, and you're supposed to be excited about it.

Unlike a regular Hershey bar, this only has one row...

So what does it taste like? Well, it tastes like Hershey's chocolate. There's really not much else I can say. It's boring. While eating it I felt the intense urge to just shake my head and shrug a dozen times. To look around and see if I could catch anyone's eye in the room so I could convey how unimpressed I was.

I mean, if you like plain chocolate bars, this will be something you might love. I wanted to dip the damn thing into a jar of peanut butter, myself. Hoping that the Spongy Bone-like middle would help me scoop more peanut butter of the jar with each try.

See? Very similar. 

So I knew what I was getting into. This thing just isn't anything special at all. Fat guys want a candy bar that is something new, that we've never seen before. This was both bland and boring AND a rip off of something else. Yup. I liked this candy bar WAY better when I was a kid and used to get them when I went on trips to Canada, when it was called an AERO BAR!

CANADA ORIGINATED THIS CONCEPT!

The Aero bar was good too. The chocolate was more melty and the holes were bigger so it ended up being a delicious gooey mess halfway through. Perhaps my longtime love of Canadian candy bars is clouding my judgement on this one, but whatever. Hershey's should be ashamed. Thieves.

In the end, I would stick to whatever you're calling your favorite candy bar and don't drop the money to try one of these Air Delights. Boring. Plain. Not worth it. 

I give this candy bar a D!

Review by Rich.

Fiery Habanero Doritos

Chip fanatics jump at the chance to try a new flavor of chips, even if they don't exactly jump at the chance to have their mouths catch on fire. As evidenced by my eating of a pickled chili pepper this weekend, and subsequent freaking out from firemouth for 10 minutes, extreme heat and I aren't the best of friends. But I enjoyed all 3 of the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd degree burn Doritos that came out awhile ago (if only for the challenge and fun). The 3rd degree were Habanero, and these seem to be the same flavor, just a bit more tame. 

Unlike some flavors of snacks that pride themselves on being hot, these actually do a pretty good job of recreating the habanero pepper flavor. For 3-6 chips, these are good- pepper flavor, then a slow creeping in of heat that gets stronger with every chip. This is habanero. 

Towards the end of the bag, I got stupid. "These aren't so bad, the heat is staying in my mouth and I like it!" I stupidly said. Then I got to the crumbs at the bottom- you know, the part where the ratio of chip to seasoning drastically changes. Then, I hurt. A lot. The heat didn't go away and I didn't like it. There are foods out there that are waaay hotter, but these are the hottest chips I've had. And although the heat wasn't entirely unbearable, it certainly wasn't comfortable, and I was gulping water in a feeble attempt to make the heat stop. 

If you like the pepper flavor and want a kick to knock your taste buds out, you'll love these. But unless you want to continue getting kicked, I'd highly suggest taking your time with these chips, or just skipping them all together. They definitely live up to their fiery name. 

I'm not going to give these a rating, because it would be too skewed by a reviewer who just wasn't ready for the kind of fire these chips promise. But they're habanero, and they're fiery, so taste at your own risk. -Mike

Canadian Chip Party

WHAT!? Where did I get all these ridiculously awesome sounding flavors you've never had? Well, if you can read, you can see where I got them- freaking Canada. 

I didn't go there, no- my favorite chip companies have made me have to resort to doing the fattest thing I could possibly do- buy bags of chips on ebay. Did you know you can do that? You can. Certain flavors are only offered in certain areas/countries, and people make money by selling bags of chips to pigs like me. This worked out to be like 8 bucks a bag. Was it worth it? Sadly, yea. Very much so.

The day they all came was pretty special. I kept forgetting that I had ordered them, and then the second I heard the doorbell and Irwin freaking out at the mailman, I knew. Delicious flavor was on its way. 

Sour Cream and Bacon?! COME ON!

So I guess I'll just review this from awesome to most awesome, like I did in my last chip post.

Bold BBQ Doritos: Chip lunatics may remember that before Doritos created BBQ and cheddar chips a few yeas ago (then cancelled, brought back, and cancelled again), they sold BBQ Doritos. And they were awesome, right? Well, they still are. I've been to Canada twice and you can bet your ass that I left each time with some BBQ Doritos. They're strong, kind of tangy, spicey at times, and mix really well with the corn chip flavor to add a hidden smokiness too. Probably not worth 8 bucks, but if you go to Canada, get a bag. B-.

Bar-B-Q Ruffles: These also used to be sold everywhere in the US, first under "K.C. Masterpiece BBQ," then as "Authentic BBQ." They are still sold out west I believe, and they still rule. They have a very weird thing to them- the flavor seems to change by each chip. Sometimes they're smoky to the point of too much, sometimes they're really sweet, and sometimes they almost taste like vinegar. This makes each handful more interesting, and makes them hard to put down. "What flavor will they be next?!" If you're a Ruffles fanboy like me, I'd seek these out on ebay or in your own travels. B.

Smokey Bacon Lays: These are weird and awesome. Bacon is always a tough flavor to recreate, and often bacon flavored snacks just taste like weird chemicals. Well, these fall in between. The first few chips will confuse you- Is that bacon? uh.... kind of chemical-flavored... oh wait, that's awesome! They aren't 100% bacon, but whatever combination of chemicals they use to try and create bacon is wonderful. And as with all Lay's chips, the flavor is only increased and intensified when you get to the greasy bottom-of-the-bag remnants, leaving you wanting more. Totally worth 8 bucks. B+

Jalapeno and Cheddar Doritos: These chips are AWESOME, and by some quick internet searches, may be on the verge of disappearance. I would have taken a picture, but I ate them too fast. These are great because of 2 reasons- 1. Too many things that feature jalapeno do it to add spice, and because jalapeno is all the rage and it's become trendy to add it to things. But these are good because they perfectly capture the flavor of jalapeno without the spice. Sure, there is some kick, but you mostly just taste delicious jalapeno flavor. And 2. They mix in delicious cheese. Let's face it, jalapenos are good, but sometimes they are kind of blah on their own. The creaminess of the cheddar mixed with the pepper kick... mmm. I'm getting hungry and furious that I can't tear into a bag of these right now. Buy them for lots of money on the internet, or just go to Canada right now. These chips are fantastic. A. (would have been an A+ but they got a little bit less delicious towards the end- I think the spice took over at the end of the bag and made them a bit less awesome)

Sour Cream n' Bacon Ruffles: So let me get this straight- America, a morbidly obese country completely obsessed with adding bacon to everything we possibly can don't get these chips, and Canada, a country that shit on the face of bacon by creating their OWN SPECIAL BACON (it's just ham Canada, come on, we know) get to eat these all the time? How is that fair? These chips rule. Hard. My first bite, I said, "ok, it's the same fake bacon chemicals they used in the Lay's ones, just on ruffles..." then I said "oh wait... this is mixed with sour cream... oh man... that works sooo well" and then I said "oh no... this has an aftertaste that is 100% bacon... oh man" and then I said "MMFLLRLFH" (that's me jamming my face in the bag and trying to breathe in potato chips). These are an awesome idea for chips, and they 100% delivered. I will be buying these again. Hey Ruffles, why don't you stop creating pathetic gimmick flavors for a month at a time and make these a permanent fixture?!! A.

oh yea- side note: if you manage to find these, watch out for when you burp an hour later. HORRIBLE. The burp aftertaste is a demon straight from hell.

soooooooo good

I'm already working on getting some chips shipped from remote locations of the US from friends who probably wished they didn't know me. If anyone finds any weird flavors here in New England, LET ME KNOW. 

-mike

LIMITED EDITION BUFFALO BLUE CHEESE COMBOS!

     Well, this is a momentous occasion. A momentous occasion indeed. This marks the very first time at Fatguyfoodblog that an avid fan of the blog has not only contacted us to review a snack, but also went through all the trouble of providing the snack too! 

     The snack? Limited Edition Buffalo Blue Cheese Combos.

     The Fan? The man they call REINERT. He's a legend among men. Hushed whispers speak of a time when this beast took down four Quad Stackers from Burger King in one sitting. They also tell the tale of a day when he claimed the title MANIMAL by defeating the challenge of the same name. You may have seen it on Man Vs. Food.

     So if Reinert wants something reviewed and he brings it to me, it's going down. Every other post gets pushed back. Tossed aside like garbage. Here we go folks...

LIMITED EDITION!

       If there's one thing a fat guy loves, it's tracking down a snack that's Limited Edition. Because he feels like he scooped up what could be something amazing, that only exists for a small period of time, that he could have easily missed and never experienced. The down side is that if it's good, he will go to great lengths to get as much as he can before they are gone. Which ties back into why he's fat in the first place. But I digress...

      Buffalo Blue Cheese Combos are in the pretzel casing rather than the cracker. They are supposed to mirror the flavor of a buffalo chicken wing dipped in blue cheese dressing, at least that's what the picture leads me to believe. What do they actually taste like?

Lot of empty bag here....

      Well they are tangy. And a little spicy. There's also definitely a creaminess to the paste in the middle that you could say resembles the blue cheese. They definitely don't taste like chicken or anything like that, unlike the RUFFLES MOLTEN HOT WINGS chips that we reviewed in our THREE WAY DANCE. You may remember that those chips took the heavyweight title of chip awesomeness. No? Well go back and read it sucka! RUFFLES TRIPLE THREAT

       Combos are a sub par snack. Let's face it. Every once in a while you scoop up a bag and it's good at first and then you get sick of them by the end, or they give you heartburn. These are not very different. They are tasty and you eat them for a bit, enjoying them. The spice never gets to you that much, even after eating a bunch, but it's there in the background, reminding you that these are buffalo flavored.

Pretty standard looking Combo. Hey is that Irwin back there?

     Bottom Line: Not bad. If you're a fan of Buffalo flavored snacks, or Combos in general, try them out. They are tasty, a little spicy, and a bit cheesy. In my humble opinion, I think they would have been better if they had gone with the cracker breading instead of the pretzel. The salt on the pretzel added to the hotness of the middle ends up teaming up and making you get sick of them a lot faster. I think the cracker would have toned that down a bit and actually make these easier to snack on longer. 

     So try them out, but do it fast, son, because they are LIMITED EDITION!

RATING: If I'm putting them up against other Combo's flavors I'd say a B.

                As a snack in general? C. For Coulda been better.
     Big thanks to REINERT for supplying the food for this review! You have some FGFB SWAG coming your way!

-Review by Rich