Totino's New Pizzeria Line: Cheesy Garlic, Chicken Parmesan and Meatball Marinara Rolls

I know we don't have a reputation for eating very fancy foods. Totino's Pizza Rolls are probably the lowest of the low in the stoner fat kid realm of snacks, but you know what? Even if we did review super fancy foods, that wouldn't change the fact that I love them. They're a classic snack, either baked and crispy, or my favorite- the lazy microwaved and gooey way. I only eat the cheese ones though, because the pepperoni ones just don't really taste like pepperoni, and the 3 meat ones taste an awful lot like poison. 

But the standard cheese ones... classic. 

So I was pretty psyched when I saw these:

Totino's hasn't innovated much. They came out with pizza chips awhile back, and they were so bad that I completely bailed on doing a review. They also came out with these, which we somehow forgot to review, even though I bought them and loved them:

mini review: these are awesome.

But Cheesy Garlic and Chicken Parm suddenly on the shelf at the same time? Sold. I didn't want to try the Meatball Marinara because I predicted they wouldn't be able to do the meatball flavor well enough and it wasn't worth buying 3 40-count bags of these. 

I went lazy style and microwaved a small plate of each:

cheesy garlic

chicken parm

and they were good. In fact, the Cheesy Garlic was so good that I decided to man up and spend the extra $3.49 to try all three, bake them fancy style, and review them like a boss. 

Although I clearly left them in too long, they were crisp and hot, just the way they're supposed to be, even if half the filling fell out. 

DAMMIT!

Cheesy Garlic:

These are AWESOME. I'm not that crazy for garlic either, so I can only imagine what kind of explosions happened in Josh's garlic-crazed brain when he bit into these. What rules about these is that the cheese is really liquidy- almost like a garlic butter cheese sauce. Even after sitting for several minutes, it stayed softer and more liquid than normal pizza rolls. They're super cheesy and the garlic is strong but not too strong. They leave a pretty gross aftertaste, but it doesn't matter- when you're eating these, all is right with the world. They really do taste a lot like very cheesy garlic bread. Maybe this is a new flavor craze?

Like Emma Stone, these get an easy A and I certainly hope these become a permanent addition to Totinoworld. 

Next up was Chicken Parmesan:

These, disappointingly to a chicken parm fan like me, aren't very good. The chicken or whatever Totino's is trying to convince me is chicken tastes like bad chicken, the cheese is ok but not very prevalent, and the sauce just completely misses the mark. It honestly tastes a lot more like a ketchup-based "dude I made sweet spaghetti sauce!" disaster your friend made or maybe even the sauce on Spaghettios. This all creates a very bland snack that just flat out doesn't taste like good chicken parm. I was most excited about these, and was left a sad, broken man. Shame. D-.

Would Meatball Marinara be any better?

Actually, yes. These ones surprised me, and I'm happy I took one for the team and ended up buying 120 pizza rolls for 1 review. The meat actually tastes and feels like meat- maybe not actual meatballs though... maybe just good hamburger. The sauce is good and works well with everything else- in fact, I wonder how differently I would feel about the chicken parm if this was the sauce instead of the ketchup they used in them. These need more cheese, but there is of course the option of just melting extra cheese all over these, so that's not really a problem. These aren't amazing, but they're good, and if you're a fan of Totino's Pizza Rolls and meatball marinara, then these are definitely worth trying.  B. 

The short version:

Chicken Parm: Bland disappointment that doesn't really taste like chicken parm. 

Meatball Marinara: They got it right, but probably only for big fans. 

Cheesy Garlic: If you like garlic or cheese based snacks and are someone who ever even considers buying Totino's products, get these immediately. Show them how much we all love them so they make them permanent and I can eat them forever. 

-review by Mike