Ben & Jerry's Minter Wonderland

 Well it's been a long time eh?  Fuck it! Let's just review some food shall we?

If you have a girlfriend who likes to walk up and down every single aisle of your local Target like I do, you know that burning hot ember of rage that fills inside you, that then twists into agony, your eyes darting back and forth hoping that the next aisle has something you can stab into your own face and end the suffering once and for all. Well I'm here to inform you fellow occupants of hell, there's something located in the freezer aisle that, hopefully, will douse that all consuming rage, and will sooth your soul from that 666 mile journey,  just a little bit.

 As a long time lover of mint anything, I shrieked when I gazed upon this Target exclusive. I was pretty excited to peel off that horseshit wrapping they tie up pints of B&J's in, so after a few minutes of trying with my hands, I took out the trusty pocketknife and revealed this.

Now looking at this, and thinking of what your classically favorite ice creams look like, you're probably

But rest easy my friends, what this ice cream lacks with it's visual austerity, it makes up for with its giant taste. Within the black maw of what seemingly is an empty void of flavor, ribbons of marshmallow flow throughout the cosmic ecosystem of chocolate, weaving in between giant black ribbons of chocolate cookie flavor waves, surfed by your silver spoon, searching through this place to appease your giant, world devouring hunger.

This ice cream is stellar, and as you can see, it doesn't have the hype of needing 8000 other candies and treats to be smashed up within it, it doesn't need some boomer enticing name of a failing late night talk show or a band no one really likes to sell this. The foundation on which this ice cream is built is so solid, you could build a home on it and expect it to last for generations of nuclear attacks.  I'm very pleased to have tried this, and I will definitely pick another pint or 3 up if I can somehow figure out how to survive another 5 hour Target trip without bashing my brains on the seasonal aisle floor.

I give Ben & Jerry's Minter Wonderland an

A+ 

for giving us working men an ice cream to sit back, 

kick our feet up, and watch exposed breasts on HBO 

before it's time to go to bed. 

Review by Josh

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Thanks a LATTE! Dunkin Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop-Tarts

I tried to rip the box open then remembered I had to take blog pics

 Look what we got here! Judging by the title, you'd think I just slapped together some buzzwords to try and get you to click this link. Unlike members of the mainstream media, FGFB would never publish fake news. This is indeed what the world has come to:

Dunkin Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop Tarts.

Let's go on a journey.

Added little bonus dad jokes

ah yes, I don't think they changed the inner wrapper of these, ever....

little more crumbly than usual

up in dem guts

thats a flaky poptart

I have to say one thing about this, I think Pop Tarts constant need to try and come up with new and exciting flavors have finally led us here. We all grew up with the frostless brown sugar cinnamon, and witnessed the rise, and fall, of legendary flavors. I wanted S'Mores to be my favorite flavor, I really did, but for some reason they just coudn't get that weird chemical chocolate flavor to actually not feel weird inside your mouth. And now here we are, DD and PT finally coming together to deliver a pop tart that actually delivers on it's flavor promise. It tastes almost IDENTICAL to what a vanilla latte topped with a generous portion of whipped cream.

The coffee flavor was slight within this, it's there, but seeing as how Dunkin Donuts coffee barely has any coffee in it as well, they aren't lying to us. Still though, let's see if adding a little browb magic can kick these up a notch!

Missing puzzle piece found! That smooth, refreshing vanilla/marshmallow flavor with a little more coffee really seals the deal. I don't see Starbucks out there really giving people what they want!

As you can tell by the insane amount of pictures in this post, there wasn't much to say about these, except, they were excellent. So if you find yourself walking by a display, reach your swollen fleshy hand out, grab a box, rip it open with your weird round little teeth, and go to town!

I give Dunkin Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop Tarts an A. 

Review by Josh

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Pumpkin Spice Er'Thang: Cheerios, Special K, and Frosted Mini Wheats

I walked into my local Market Basket, and out of the corner of my eye, I caught a little something new.

Now what in the good Christ is Cheerios doing messing with pumpkin spice? I wasn't sure, but I was damn sure this food blogger was going to find out. Now you'd think that'd be enough, but by the time my short little legs were carrying my bebopping, whistling face out the front door, I had discovered that not only was Cheerios not alone, they had roped in some heavy hitters to join in the pumkin spice craze.

 SO me and the GF decided to forgo a real dinner, and go through and pour a bowl of each!

First up, I decided to go with a cereal I remember liking quite a bit when I was going through that 20 something cereal phase. Hey sometimes you've got to try something other than Reeses Puffs.

 

These things were pretty much what you'd expect. That hint of pumpkin, wrapped up with a thin frosting taste, and depending on how long you let it sit in the cereal, a solid crunch, or a mouthful of wet wiggly wheat strands. I think what held this together so well was the "frost", that sugary cool blast of what MIGHT rest somewhere in the marshmallow family.

As a man who doesn't really like ginger anything (besides ale) I was bummed when I read that it was a main component of this cereal. Special K is never that good unless it's overloaded with freeze dried fruit!

Looks like chunks of cardboard, but in all actuality, this cereal was pretty damn good. As a dry option, it didn't really work. What was needed for this to sing, was all of the elements working together. There was that nice familiar chemical concoction that is whatever pumpkin spice is, and then within that, the little cinnamon cluster blasts really helped make the overall flavor of this cereal taste decent.

Last on the list, Cheerios.

I know most people either love or hate Cheerios.  I've always enjoyed a bowl or two of the breakfast classic, but this time, this time was very different.

Tasting these dry is like eating those packing peanuts that you get that are "edible". And you only ever eat those on a dare, or if you never have, you pop them in your mouth, waiting for them to be absolutely disgusting, and they aren't, but don't taste good either.

Now the real test, in milk, these were absolutely horrid. They taste like a blander Cheerio covered in pepper, rolled in dirt. There is only one person on the planet that would think these are good.

  These are the worst Cheerios I've ever consumed. The only time they've altered Cheerios, and it's been edible, is when they decided to make honey-nut. Every other iteration of the Cheerio is like a wretched lesson they are trying to teach children by making the most foul tasting cereal they can. A cruel joke on children around the globe.

Out of the three, I'd have to say the Pumkin Spice Frosted Mini Wheats were the star of the new line of fad cereals this fall, with a solid runner up trophy going to Special K. This year, pumpkin spice came out so hard it has effectively twisted it's chassis off the line. 

I don't know where this is going to go, but hopefully we can trim some of the fat, and let horrible things like pumpkin spice Cheerios fall down to cereal hell where Paul Walker can enjoy their bland, peppery flavor for eternity.

Pumpkin Spice Frosted Mini Wheats: B
Pumpkin Spice Special K: C

Pumpkin Spice Cheerios: a HARD F.

Review by Josh

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Hold onto your butts! OREO is back with Key Lime Pie & Choco Chip flavors

Oreo please! Just RELAX! It's too much! These days it seems like there's a new flavor of Oreo out every few weeks. And with word on the wind of the fabled Swedish Fish Oreos, Fat Guy Food Bloggers around the globe are simultaneously begging you to stop, whilst pleading for more. So as we pump the breaks, and bring you this Jurassic sized 2 cookie review, (just kidding, my reviews are picture heavy and sparse with any real content) sit back, relax, breathe, and let my mouth do the tasting for you.

As the blog title suggests, I'm about to review Key Lime Pie Oreo, and the little less grammatically pleasing, Choco Chip Oreo. Let's sit down and get what you think would be the lesser of the two out of the way, Key Lime Pie.

Peeling back the top of this cookie bag, the room flooded with that sweet, limey thickness that can only really be described as... Key Lime Pie. I'm convinced Oreo should team up with Bath & Body Works, get their lead scent designers together to infuse Oreo scented body washes/scrubs/lotions/candles/whateverthefuck, and become the worlds most profitable company.

I'm enjoying this graham cracker cookie base they have here, it has a warmth to it that feels familiar, and then when the lime and....key?....come together, it delivers a slight tartness to the back of your mouth, and smooth creamy graham in the front. Overall pretty enjoyable, and a cookie that could easily become someones favorite. Mine?

You'll have to keep reading.

Up next: Choco Chip Oreos. This should be a no-brainer. Chocolate Chip Oreos? Of course they're going to be absolutely stellar.

The smell that exploded out of this package wasn't as identifiable as the KLP's. Right away it led me to believe there might be some oddness to what these cookies might taste like.

At first taste, I was unimpressed with these. And after much deliberation, the shop and I decided it tasted odd, not by so much of it's own design, but by the fact we had just eaten the Key Lime Pie Oreos, and with that flavor still overwhelming the taste buds, it threw off how these actually tasted. Cookie misdirection.

So with a fresh mouth, I revisited these guys, and came to the conclusion that these really shouldn't be named Choco Chip Oreo, but maybe Cookie Dough. They had that creaminess that you'd expect, but when all the elements of the cookie were together, it tasted a lot like premade chocolate chip cookie dough out of the tube, instead of a full blown cookie. It wasn't bad, but I think the hype machine that was my brain, made me think these cookies were going to be much different.

In the end, I think both of these had their charms. Key Lime Pie, much like Jeff Goldblum, ended up outperforming the other actor on stage, and forced me to change my ideas of what my cookie expectations in the future might be. While not bad, Choco Cookie Oreos ended up not giving a performance of note, and just kind of act as a placeholder until the cookie guys can figure out just how to bioengineer them properly.

I give Key Lime Pie Oreo a B+

and Choco Chip Oreo a C. 

Review by Josh

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