Don't let the siesta start without me: Oreo Churro's!

Pretty much every god and gun toting American has had the downright pleasure of eating a Churro. But the question on everyones candy coated lips is this: What the hell actually is a Churro? Our man Julian Assange from Wikipedia tells us that a Churro is

"a fried-dough pastry—predominantly choux—based snack. Churros are popular in Spain, France, the Philippines, Portugal, Ibero-America and the Southwestern United States."

Cool right? But what the hell is "choux"?
Our man takes a break from the Ecuadorian embassy to tell us:

Choux is "a light pastry dough used to make profiteroles, croquembouches, éclairs, French crullers, beignets, St. Honoré cake, quenelles, Parisian gnocchi, dumplings, gougères, chouquettes and craquelins. It contains only butter, water, flour and eggs. Instead of a raising agent, it employs high moisture content to create steam during cooking to puff the pastry."

 So, Oreos plus fried choux, sounds amazing. I flipped taco bell the bird, hit up the local super market and grabbed what looked to be the worlds tastiest treat for this weeks Oreo Churro REVIIIIEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

I don't think that sugar topping is optional there 'Ro

Stupid me and not having a fryer handy, decided that these guys should probably be prepared in an oven. Microwaves deliver the worst heated snacks, so with the oven option available, I took it.

After those 8 minutes were up, me and the lady made sure to roll our churro's in the included sugar Oreo dust that was included in the package. "Optional." HA!

BEHOLD THINE GLORY!

 
The smell of sugary sweet Oreo filled the kitchen... we commented on how the air was thick and heavy with remembrance of fair food. With that promise in the air, and those glittering diamond sugar dust blinding us as it caught the light just so, there was only but one sense left in which to see if the ultimate churro could dazzle.

After I bit into the first Oreo Churro, I had but one question to myself. What the hell did I just eat? The smell of these was absolutely out of this world, but I can only think of the taste in this one, specific way. A small, slightly chewier empty toilet paper roll, covered in sugar, and filled with, something. The cream that was supposed to be Oreo tasted like burnt vegetable oil, which had been sprayed with one perfume puff of Oreo cream flavoring. If I had went with their advertised optional non sugar coated churro, I couldn't have gotten further away from them.

In a world where Oreo dominates in the snack arena, their frozen churro option is just downright disgusting. This only makes me think that they can be prepared one way, and in the frialator. But isn't that cheating? Isn't everything that touches a frialator just awesome? So no Oreo, the fault lays with you, and how these are barely fit for human consumption. I'm extremely disappointed with a brand that I've always given my unflinching loyalty. You started out 2016 on a high note, and came crashing down faster than the twin towers.

I give Oreo Churros and F. 

these are just horrible.

-Josh

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Magnum Double Peanut Butter ice cream bars!

Have you ever tried a Magnum Ice cream bar? Josh reviewed them when they first came out a while back.  His review was pretty hilarious but in the end he deemed them mediocre. So it was a while before any of us tried the other flavors. Then one day I decided to give the caramel ones a whirl. They changed my life. If you have never tried them, DO IT TODAY. But somehow, we never reviewed them. I think it was because by the time we tried them they were so old that we didn't think anyone would care. But I've eaten them pretty regularly since. Then, our of nowhere, I walk by the ice cream novelties cooler at my local supermarket and I see something that made me do a triple take. Sweet mother of mercy. MAGNUM DOUBLE PEANUT BUTTER ICE CREAM BARS. 

Rub that dust out of your eyes, this isn't a mirage! 

I nearly broke into a dead run on my way home because I wanted to try these away from the prying eyes of the public. But the moment I walked in I snapped a pic and ripped the box open to give one of these a try. Reading the box it declares that they are peanut butter ice cream dipped in a chocolate coating, then peanut butter sauce and more chocolate coating. Aka: the best thing I've ever heard.

BLINDED BY THE GOLD! 

After being mesmerized by the golden wrapper for a straight minute, I snapped out of it and came back to my senses. Being a veteran to the ice cream bar game, I knew that I had to make my first bite small and precise, as to not damage the structural integrity of the bar. I expertly executed the move and my taste buds exploded like every vehicle in Mad Max Fury Road.

BRING BACK THE EMBOSSED M!

The shell melts into a delicious, soft chocolate, followed by the layer of peanut butter sauce that combine for a great sweet and salty sensation. I feel like I might have liked it a bit more if the peanut butter was a little closer to the consistency of the caramel ones, but that's just nit picking. The flavor of those two is damn near perfect. Then you hit another layer of wonderful chocolate shell followed by smooth, creamy peanut butter ice cream. You can eat it layer by layer, or make sure you get a little bit of each part in each bite.  Either way you do it, you'll just close your eyes and lift your face to the heavens while smiling. IT IS THAT GOOD.

It's all about the layers! 

If I had to ask Magnum one thing that might enhance this already perfect ice cream bar, it might be for some sort of swirl in the ice cream itself, but that's probably overkill. The Fatguyfoodblog crew are always looking to step things up and that's not always what the situation needs. This is one of those times. I'm giving Magnum Double Peanut Butter ice cream bars an A! That means you need to get them as soon as you can. They are the ice cream equivalent of this:

What a lovely day, indeed. 

As always, feel free to drop us a line if you find something out there in the wild that you want us to review. Whether it's a new kind of chips, cookies, or even a new sandwich or burger at your favorite fast food joint! We'll give them a whirl! You can reach us by email: fatguyfoodblog@gmail.com , TWITTER: @fatguyfoodblog and you gotta like us on Facebook! We keep you up to date on new posts, fun snack news and we do contests and giveaways! Want to score free junkfood? Gift cards to your favorite late night fast food joint? Better be following ol' FGFB in the coming months! 

Totino's BOLD: BBQ Chicken and Spicy Taco Style Rolls

Now that I'm sitting down to write this review, these may not be quite as new as I thought they were, but I'd never seen Spicy Taco Style or BBQ Seasoned Chicken Rolls before (and have actually only seen them in 1 Stop n Shop), so I figured it was worth letting the unwashed masses know if Totino's had added some badass, BOLD new additions to their lineup, or if they just put out utter garbage nobody should eat like they enjoy doing.

What I didn't realize (before paying 4 dollars, eating and not enjoying, then throwing out the bag) was that I'd already reviewed Jalapeno Popper rolls. Not only that, but I gave them a D-, which now, after having them again, I realize was being nice. They're easily an F. They taste like fake pepper flavor (closer to green pepper than jalapeno) with weird cheese ooze and a flavorless, hot aftertaste that didn't make me want to eat another one. I'm chalking up my forgetfulness not to an old, tired brain riddled with hits to the head and full of useless knowledge and empty spaces where things like the ability to socialize or remember bad food should be- no- I'm chalking it up to the Jalapeno Popper rolls being so bad that I chose to black out their memory. I buried their memory deep in my past, and they found a way back into my life. How BOLD of them. 

Really, I'm just real dumb. 

Anyway, my trip post is now a dub post. I should note that when I didn't remember I had already reviewed these, the Jalapeno Popper rolls were the ones I figured would be the one good roll out of the three. Yikes.

I made up a beautiful presentation of food and cooked it the way only a top tier chef would- throwing 3 in the microwave for 2 rounds of 35 seconds.

MMMMMM LOOKS GOOD

I mean-mugged the hell out of these rolls. If they were so BOLD as to enter my life and make me buy their forgotten brother- if they were so BOLD as to not exist in the nicely priced small boxes and cost 4 bucks each for a giant bag of probable crap, I would be BOLD right back in their face. 

because nothing says bold like a red bandanna headband

I cooked up some "Spicy Taco Style" rolls and opened the microwave to an overwhelmingly accurate taco smell. They certainly got that right. 

I then busted one of these apart. Boldly.

What's interesting about these is that the bag describes them as "Mexican style rolls with taco seasoned chicken and beef pizza topping in a golden crust." No mention of green peppers or jalapenos or whatever the huge chunks of green are in this. And what the hell is beef pizza topping? Isn't that just beef? Or did they coin the term "beef pizza topping" to use because it's not actually meat? 

Anyway, these tasted pretty much like spicy taco. I couldn't differentiate between chicken and beef pizza topping or taste cheese. So it was pretty much just taco-flavored goo. Which, if you're buying these, is really all you should want and expect. So these succeeded in at least tasting like what they should taste like, and then the heat kicked in. They were not kidding about these being spicy. In fact, they were so BOLD in their spice that these became hard to eat after a few. So I looked in the fridge for sour cream but came up empty. I did have some guac left over from the night before, so I gave it a shot.

And it was... ok. The guac disguised a lot of the taco flavor and sort of killed the heat, but it really ended up just being guac flavor followed by taco flavor followed by heat. And after 3, I was done. 

Gotta give these a C-, (C+ if you really like hot stuff). They taste quite a lot like taco, but the heat made them lose most of their good pretty fast. These were just too bold for their own good. 

-----------------------------------------

Next up was the BBQ Seasoned Chicken Rolls, which again, I don't understand. Is it chicken seasoned with BBQ? Or is it just chicken and BBQ sauce like the bag says? Totino- you need to get someone to edit your shit.

Anyway, I was assuming these would be bad, but at the same time, I was a little excited. What if these were like tiny little BBQ chicken calzone bites? Could I have a cheaper, microwaveable version of one of my favorite things in the world?

mmmmmmmmm

The smell from the microwave told me that yes, I could. 

The inside told me that yes, I could. Sauce, chicken, cheese. Yes!

No. 

When you have a snack where you can't really ever taste cheese or meat, you live and die by the sauce. Seriously, I'd estimate the flavor percentages of a Totino's pizza roll is probably something like this: 

2% cheese

4% meat 

15% crust goo

79% sauce

When a snack's worth is determined almost exclusively by their sauce, that sauce had sure has heckfire be on point. And this wasn't. This sauce is initially very sweet and almost convincing as a good sauce, then the sweetness hits a really odd level of fake, candy-like, what-the-hell-kind-of-BBQ-sauce is this bad, then, after I swallowed the roll, turned into the only taste I should expect from these BOLD rolls by now- heat. 

tastes like burning

After only a few, I was disappointed and done. 

D

I've now tried 4 Totino's BOLD flavors (others here), and none got better than a C-.

So I had to ceremoniously take off my tough guy bandanna, turn my mean mug into a wimpy scared face, and surrender to Totino. They just proved to be too bold for me.

TOO BOLD

And when I say they were too bold, I want you to go ahead and take the O and L and turn them into an A. Yea, that spells BAD.

I reviewed Totino's venture into other flavors way back, and they didn't fare too well either. Really, the only one that stood out (that they should keep making) were the Cheesy Garlic rolls. I feel like Totino's is that band you used to love who put out an incredible debut album, a really good but not quite as good follow up, and has been searching for that magic ever since, putting out garbage upon garbage, trying new things one day, then blatantly trying and failing to recapture their sound from 10 years ago the next. And in the end, all you remember them for or care about is that first album and the one or 2 after it. And yet they keep on going, always disappointing you. 

Thanks for trying, Totino's, but I'm gonna go listen to your first album (cheese). 

-review by Mike

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T.G.I Friday's Loaded Cheese & Bacon Fries!

I don't know if we've ever reviewed any of T.G.I. Friday's frozen snacks- maybe it's because their name is so annoying to type out, or maybe they haven't had anything new come out that widened my eyes enough. But now they have. And man, did these make my eyes wide.

I'm not the smartest shed in the toolbox, so the instructions on the back of this box were a bit tough for me to figure out. So, not only will this review fulfill its duty of entertaining you while telling you how good food is, it will also be instructional, step by step (day by day). 

First off, you want to lift here where it says LIFT HERE, which appears to be on the completely wrong side of the box.

And look at the deliciousness that's inside. A gross bag of meat and cheese, a gross bag of frozen cheese, and french fries. This has a long way to go to look like the picture on the box.

So the first thing you do is take out the bags, flatten the fries out, rip off the tab and put the tab on top of the fries like so:

While microwaving, I ran the bag of frozen cheese under hot water and lovingly caressed it like the sexy cheese it is. Then, once the microwave dinged, I threw the bag of frozen cheese and bacon on top, like so:

getting there

Then squeezed the cheese all over the top.

now we're on to something

For once in my life, I didn't feel the need to add cheese to a dish. This was a LOT of stuff thrown on top of these fries. After microwaving for another minute, I took it out and mixed everything up. Did it look like the box?

Yea, pretty much. But more importantly, did it taste like the box? 

good lord

Thankfully, no. It tasted like a delicious mess of crispy and warm fries covered in cheese sauce, melted cheese, and bacon. It's just as good as you'd hope it would be. Truthfully, I think I would have preferred more shredded cheese and less squeeze cheese, but the squeeze cheese both solidified a bit with the other cheese AND kept this whole mess nice and wet, allowing for faster inhalation of this snack.

I think my only complaint (and that's if I'm looking for one) is the bacon. While it's clearly actual bacon and tastes like actual bacon, I would have preferred if it were crispier, better quality bacon that was either in super shredded, bacon bit form (for crunch while maximizing flavor propagation) or larger pieces where some bites would have an awesome bacon flavor and others would just be cheese and fries. This mixed up enough that everything kind of just had that bacon-cheese-fry flavor without much differentiation of individual flavors. I'd also prefer not to eat stretchy, nasty bacon goo. 

You can have these pieces Mr. Trash Can- they're all you

But all big words aside (seriously, propagation??), these are just the right level of super fattening, completely over the top hilariously awesome deliciousness that I'd absolutely recommend them to anyone who would even consider buying them. T.G.I. Friday's absolutely got this one right. Not only that, but if you're not a complete slob and just dabble in slobbery from time to time, this is small enough of a dish that it works as a one time indulgence that won't make you too sick. And if you're a full time slob, these will make your face do whatever the hell mine did in this picture:

I give these an A-.

Points deducted for not having better bacon, but otherwise, these are pretty glorious.

-review by Mike

Totino's BOLD: Jalapeno Popper & Buffalo Style Chicken Rolls!!

As the resident FGFB slob who somewhat embarassingly still eats Totino's Pizza Rolls fairly regularly, buying their last new offerings was a no-brainer.  Even though the Cheesy Garlic flavor was the only one really worth getting again, I still was pretty happy that Totino was finally trying out some new flavors. 

Being a spice wimp, their new Jalapeno Popper Rolls and "Buffalo Style Chicken Rolls" worried me a bit. But much like I suck up Totino's Pizza Rolls, I sucked it up and bought both bags. What follows are my thoughts. 

First off, I love the bag. The L is a lightning bolt! What better way to say a snack is bold than by having it ELECTROCUTE YOU?! And there's fire, whacky fonts, great color choices, etc. 

However, inside the bag lived the same old weird creation a Totino's Pizza Roll is. And I cooked them too much.

As someone who isn't huge on the jalapeno but still loves a good jalapeno popper from time to time, these were sadly pretty disappointing. A jalapeno popper is good not because it's a hot pepper with crunch- it's good because it's a hot pepper mixed (at least in every one I've ever had) with cream cheese, cheddar cheese, or a mix of the two. They end up being a wonderful mix of spice, crunch and creamy, cheesy deliciousness.

These were basically chopped up peppers with a fairly tasteless white cheese that is a lot like the more gooey cheese from the Cheesy Garlic edition, only not very flavorful. So they end up just being gooey squares of heat that have that weird grassy jalapeno flavor that sometimes shows up (like it did in these chips).  

I tried them solo, with ranch, with BBQ sauce, and with blue cheese, and in every version, they tasted just as blah. They just had that weird fake cheese goo, and grassy and then very hot jalapeno flavor. I'm sorry Totino, but you blew it on these ones. 

D-

Let's see how "Buffalo Style Chicken Rolls" are.

Man, that's just a weird title. Why didn't they just call them buffalo chicken rolls? And how weird of a term is "chicken rolls"?? These had a nice Frank's Red Hot tie in though, and I've been realizing more and more how much I like buffalo stuff lately, so I was still pretty excited.

so much so that I actually cooked them right!

After burning my mouth on the first two, then letting them sit even longer (how do these things hold heat like that?!), they tasted about like what I thought they would. And they were hot.

#foodgore

There seemed to be something missing though, as they felt like they were pretty much just pizza rolls with chicken and a ton of buffalo sauce. And nobody likes that. So I did what I should have done before I even tasted these and dipped them in blue cheese. They were instantly better, so I decided to go one step beyond and make buffaque rolls. 

I grabbed one of my favorite BBQ sauces and decorated...

then dipped again. 

Better. 

But something was still off. What was missing? I thought of the other pizza rolls, I thought of the Michelina's buffalo rolls that came first and how I used to eat them... 

...covered in cheese.

CHEESE. There was nowhere near enough cheese in these chicken rolls. And not only that, if you look closely on the bag, it says "cheese substitute." Shame.

So I decided to step it up and make a small plate of these a much better way.

THAAAAAAT'S better. 

But you know what? Look at how hard I tried to like these. I had to cover them in BBQ sauce, cheese and blue cheese, and eat them chopped up with a fork in order for them to be "pretty good." So I guess if I'm being honest, these aren't very good. There's simply too much hot sauce, and it's too hot. There's no cheese and very little chicken. I guess if you love to have your mouth burn with no real redeeming qualities to make the burn worth it, these will be perfect for you. Otherwise, if you're like me, these are just ok. 

C-

The bottom line: Good try Totino's, but you pretty much blew it on these. The jalapeno poppers are just grassy heat with flavorless cheese, and the buffalo ones are ok, but generally fairly blah as well and, once again, too hot. I guess I'm not BOLD (pretend there's a lightning bolt) enough to eat these. 

-review by Mike