BURGER KING: WHOPPERITO

Let's not fart around with this intro. BK deserves to take a royal walk of shame Cersei-style. And I'm just the Septa to take it on this stroll down shit avenue! No, it's not for sticking "-ito" on the end of "Whopper", although I do picture Peggy Olson crying into her pillow when I consider that marketing decision. It's for an offense much, much more serious than that.

WHERE ARE MY WHOPPER DOGS?!

Of course we know from the commercials the King is a diabolical sociopath, but this is some next level fuckery.

On the heels of the dismal review I had assigned to the Extra-Long Buttery Cheeseburger, I turned around and awarded the Whopper Dog an A+, the only item I've given that grade to in nearly a year of fair and balanced food-bloggery. And then, just before I could have a second bite, the King slapped it out of my hands and the Whopper Dog bit the dust.

DAMN IT, KING! YOU HAD JUST GOTTEN OUT OF THE DOG HOUSE THEN YOU KICKED THE DOG OUT AND HEADED STRAIGHT BACK IN!

And as an extra flick in the nads, they left the regular grilled dog and chili cheese dog on the menu- they cut out Clint Eastwood and left us with The Bad and The Ugly!

            

Now, they roll out this so-called WHOPPERITO, just to rub salt in my wounds, and presumably some cumin and oregano as well.

Alright, alright. I've had my druthers and settled down a bit. To be honest, I was really quite excited to try out the Whopperito, but obviously the Whopper Dog left some big shoes to fill.

Basically, what I was picturing was the BK version of the McDonald's cheeseburger snack wrap from five years ago. Remember those little guys, before they came out with the whole big "healthy" McWrap with like cucumbers and fancy leaves and stuff? If I remember correctly, the first generation had three options: cheeseburger, and chicken (crispy/grilled). The chicken ones were legit, which led to its natural evolution, the aforementioned McWrap, but the cheeseburger one? All they did was take the contents of a McDouble and put them in a tortilla! Then they started getting real goofy about it- they did the Mac Wrap, the Angus Wrap, the Wrapper's Delight... it was a dark period of McDonalds history I refer to as to the Wrapture.

The Whopperito's promo picture had also left some ambiguity about what I was getting myself into. The white onions kind of looked like mayo, the tomatoes like ketchup, the cheese like mustard. And it gave no indication of the size. So I bought two, fully expecting to woof the little guy down in a few bites. 

DIOS MIO

Look at the size of this lump! This is exactly what my stomach would've looked like if BK had left the Whopper Dogs on the menu, stretch marks and all! And for $2.99?! Fair trade!

                                                 

I was immediately pleased at the first bite- nothing here but greasy ground beef accompanied by the strong taste of chili powder, which is pretty much how I make my burritos at home. My second bite revealed some crunchy white shit and some soggy red shit, which did more to vary the texture rather than the flavor, but there was bit of crunchy green shit that stood out (and it sure as shit wasn't lettuce). 

PICKLES

I don't know why, but I thought these pickles worked wonderfully- they cut through the single-note spicy beef flavor like Valyrian steel. Swing away, King Robert Burgeratheon! 

One minor goof here is a lack of sour cream. The spicy flavor comes from a condiment BK refers to as "creamy spicy sauce", but the former descriptor is severely lacking. I think there should be something else in the mix here besides the pickles to keep this beefy spice wad from being too uniform. Also, I didn't detect enough of that smokey chemical flavor to justify putting the word "Whopper" anywhere near this. On a side note, It'd be a neat experiment to try one of these with BK's stacker sauce instead of the creamy spicy one.

But all in all... crawl on out of the dog house, King. You can ride this review all the way back to the castle, because I'm giving you a B+. This spicy meat pocket (my nickname in HS) comes at a great price and its minor flaws could easily be covered up with a sour cream packet. Anybody hear ringing? Sounds like the Taco Bell death knell to me.

Review by Davos Sl33zworth

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Burger King's Mac n' Cheetos

Cheetos Puffs are my favorite chip. Although they're not actually a chip, are they? Are they a puff? That doesn't sound right either, although it's right there in the title. Let's call it a snack food-they are a food to snack on. Yes, Cheetos Puffs are my all-time favorite snack food. After the initial crunch of the Puff, they magically melt in your mouth. Leftover synthetic "cheese" dust envelops your fingers afterward. Go ahead, lick those fingers, you've earned it. The gaudy orange cheddar coloring and chemically induced cheesy flavor results in a transcendent experience. I love them.

Pretty much

I'm all for using the Puffs in unintended ways. I've used it as breading for fish and chicken more than once-definitely try this, they mush easily into powder. Taco Bell did the same thing with Doritos and the Locos Tacos. I've eaten several sandwiches topped with Red Hot Riplets-a fiery St. Louis delicacy. Adding snack foods to a dish works. It adds a little crunch and some extra flavor.

How did Burger King mess up deep-fried, Cheetoh Puff-crusted mac and cheese sticks?? Let's start with their appearance. In the print ads, they resemble your normal Cheetos Puff. Yum. Sign me up. As you can see, though, Mac n' Cheetos resemble bright orange clown turds. Unappetizing visual for sure, but I can move past that. These sausage-sized Donald Trump digits were quite hefty when picked up, and the promise of oozing cheesy pasta was almost too much to bare.

At this point, I was still excited. I was expecting that initial Puff crunch followed by a satisfying mac and cheese bite. Alas, the reality of BK's latest abomination-I'm looking at you black Halloween burger-did not line up with my expectations.

                                                              Paper tray liner = annoying 

It was squishy. Not squeaky like a cheese curd. Squishy like a used diaper. Despite that, I'm eager to try it-Cheetos are my crack! I bit into one and a wave of nostalgia hit me. The Mac n' Cheetos transported me to my parochial school cafeteria. Shuffling along in line, culottes up to my belly button, mouth salivating for the promise of some dino-shaped chicken nugs-it was all there, a bona fide time warp. I wish the flavor could've matched up with my nostalgia and my expectations. These little cheese sticks tasted like grade school cafeteria food. The macaroni inside was creamy, but it was also mushy and flavorless.On top of that, there was minimal Cheetoh Puff flavor. The taste was akin to a french fry-not a bad thing at all, but I was promised cheese dust!!

                                             

Burger King is having a dissociative personality meltdown. They're trying to ape the Bell with their slew of novelty items. That's not a problem, except they don't do it well. Be yourself BK, embrace your 2nd tier status and cook us something totally outrageous. Just make it edible.

Burger King's Mac n' Cheetos get a C for being more disappointing than Batman v. Superman.
Review by Mark

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Burger King Classic Grilled & Whopper hot dogs!

A dog is a man’s best friend. A hot dog is a hot man’s best friend. By the transitive property, hot dogs must be my best friends. But if I am what I eat, am I my own best friend?! Clearly not, as you’re supposed to treat your friends with love, and I apparently treat myself with the latest new Burger King offerings on a periodic basis. Sorry, BK, but you simply haven’t been making the cut for me lately.
I’m sure you’re aware (because I’m both the laziest and slowest review writer of the whole Fat Guy Food bunch), Burger King has hot dogs now, which I resent MERELY ON PRINCIPLE!! How can one claim to be the Burger King yet sell hot dogs? It’s almost an admittance that the hot dogs will be inferior to the burger. Otherwise, they’d be the Hot Dog King, which is a title I’ve already assumed and will fight to the death for. I’ve spent far too many sad, lonely nights in gas stations earning that title! I am truly the King of Wieners, any gas station attendant will tell you so. I’ve mastered every wiener in the Northeast! Come and get me, Burger King! But you best not bring a knife to this sword fight!
Well, now that I’ve burned through those stupid dick jokes, I’ll be straight up with you, my dear reader: hot dogs were once my favorite food. My dad has a poster I made in kindergarten called “About Me” that’s still shockingly accurate- favorite movie: Nightmare Before Christmas. Favorite Kanye Album: Yeezus. Favorite color: purple. Wait, nope, that one’s changed, it is now gray. But listed as my favorite food? Hot dogs. So when I realized this was my only option for a review I could write on the fly, and the subject material was a hot dog, I knew right then that the Burger King better bring it. Or else, I’d write a scathing review of that dog more savage than my last BK one. But why write a review on the fly? Because I’ve very conveniently got a Burger King that’s only 5 mins from my apartment! So, I trotted off on a short jaunt to the BK in Allston with hopes high and expectations low!

Oh. Oh dear.

Well apparently the word of my first BK review made it to the powers at be. Perhaps directly to his so-called Royal Majesty’s ears because this BK is clearly SHUTTERED BY ROYAL DECREE! Or possibly just going through a renovation. Either way this is awesome for me, because now to write this review I’ve already foolishly committed to, I had to trek to a spot 35 minutes from my real life work (according to Google). Thankfully, I managed to get there in 25, possibly because I’ve spent the better part of my life getting from Point A to Point B on my own two feet. So without further adieu, my review of the BK Classic Grilled Dog and the Whopper Dog!

First thing I noticed about these dogs is that they’re red. OK, you’re starting out with bonus points, BK. Red hot dogs are the only game in town in Maine, a state that I do not hail from but spent 4 years loafing about in, and I enjoyed my hot dogs to the max while I was there. But the second thing I noticed is what’s really going to put points on the board- the Classic Grilled Dog comes loaded with condiments. Ketchup, grilled onions, relish. Couldn’t have dressed it better myself! The dog itself was reminiscent of the elongated meat ovals of yore, which all things considered, is good. I can only imagine the process it would take to improve on that model. But, just like a key mistake made by the chefs of Charlie’s Kitchen in Cambridge , this classic could have been much improved by a grilled bun. No grilled bun, nothing to rave about. This is a slightly above average hot dog that’s only true merit is I didn’t have to dress it myself.
So, the only reason I ordered the Classic Grilled Dog was to serve as a comparison to the real subject of my review: the Whopper Dog! WOW! A hot dog in Whopper form. How long did it take the Executive Chef of Burger King’s test kitchens to fart out this idea? Did it take the length span of an average fart? Or maybe one of the seconds longer ones I occasionally have in the shower? We may never know.

BUT, WITH ANY STORY WORTH TELLING, HERE COMES THE TWIST. I LOVED THE WHOPPER DOG. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS! To be 100% honest with you, I can’t wait for the next time I lay eyes on a BK to order this scrumptious treat. What made it so great? It actually tasted just like a Whopper. The toppings and condiment scheme were the same- lettuce, mayonnaise, and all! I never realized that the composition of the Whopper is what made it a burger worth sometimes ordering. The same carries true to this hot dog. It blew its control group out of the water. I, as a “professional”  fast food reviewer, recommend this hot dog. Go get one! If you’ve ever had a Whopper before and enjoyed it, I have no doubt this will satiate you.

So, finally, the report card:
BURGER KING CLASSIC DOG: B. Like I said, bonus points for being red. And truly, this is a well-dressed dog. Just a simple grilled bun could’ve made this one an easy A.
BURGER KING WHOPPER DOG: FUCKING A+. IF YOU DIDN’T LIKE THIS YOU CAN SHOVE MY HOT DOG WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE, PAL. I’m writing this in Allston actually considering walking to Somerville to get another. Writing this review is actually making me hungry! But if it’s hot dogs that I crave, the local gas station isn’t going to do the trick. It simply must be the Whopper Dog, or NO DOGS ALLOWED!
I leave you on this note: All dogs go to heaven. Peace! –sl33zy

Review by sl33zy!

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The Burger King Extra Long Buttery Cheeseburger!

Oh, Burger King. How the mighty have fallen. Back in the day, I remember only being able to make it a few days before devouring another delicious Stacker. I still remember its crispy bacon and creamy sauce like it was yesterday! It was like six years ago! But nowadays, the King is Dead. Long live the Queen (Wendy’s, obviously, this is not up for discussion). So the other night, Rich had posted about what I had interpreted to be a cheeseburger sub dipped in butter, served up by the deceased regent himself. I love butter and I love cheeseburger subs, so  I jumped on it! Because honestly, I want to love Burger King, I really do. They had the best marketing campaign of all time for a little while- a creepy King who scares you with cheeseburgers. Haha! You got me, King. Thanks for the burger. I’m gonna need my house key back tho. So, I really tried to like the Extra Long Buttery Cheeseburger at Burger King, but it just sucked.

Yeah. It sucked. I could’ve bought two regular cheeseburgers for cheaper and just put them right next to each other. If you cut this burger in half, I think Burger King technically owes you money. What about the butter? Take out the “about the”. This shameful marketing technique had absolutely no butter whatsoever. I could’ve chewed on an empty milk carton and tasted more butter than this. Hell, I could’ve licked a seat at my local movie theater and tasted more butter! I could have a jar of air sent to me from the butter factory and opened it on the opposite side of the room and tasted more butter than this.

What’s wrong with you BK! Your burgers are like seven bucks of “why did I buy this?” I’m calling you out, King. You guys need to get your sh*t together! I waited in line for like twenty minutes behind what I thought was a live Bobby Shmurda music video to eat this crap. And now I have to write about it? Oh, I’m pissed.

Burger King Extra Long Buttery Burger: D+. If I wasn’t super hungry I’d have taken one bite of this burger and dropped it on the spot right there. Literally I would have left it on the floor of my own apartment for a few days just to remind myself of my foolishness.

That being said, I’m still rooting for you, King. I love an underdog story, who doesn’t? I believe in you. Let’s stop ripping off the Big Mac, bring back the King making people shit their pants in the middle of the night, and get back to what any restaurant should be in it for. Food like an art, not like a source of revenue.  How about doing something off the wall that isn’t you guys 3-D printing your buns in a different shape. What about just literally putting every ingredient on your menu into one burger? I saw in  Japan you guys are doing all kinds of crazy stuff (the Kuro, Windows 7 Whopper, etc.) Bring that crazy Japanese stuff over here!! I’d probably like that! Idk, I’m just spitballin’. Just trying to help, BK. You guys need it right now.

Review By Sl33zy

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