BURGER KING: WHOPPERITO

Let's not fart around with this intro. BK deserves to take a royal walk of shame Cersei-style. And I'm just the Septa to take it on this stroll down shit avenue! No, it's not for sticking "-ito" on the end of "Whopper", although I do picture Peggy Olson crying into her pillow when I consider that marketing decision. It's for an offense much, much more serious than that.

WHERE ARE MY WHOPPER DOGS?!

Of course we know from the commercials the King is a diabolical sociopath, but this is some next level fuckery.

On the heels of the dismal review I had assigned to the Extra-Long Buttery Cheeseburger, I turned around and awarded the Whopper Dog an A+, the only item I've given that grade to in nearly a year of fair and balanced food-bloggery. And then, just before I could have a second bite, the King slapped it out of my hands and the Whopper Dog bit the dust.

DAMN IT, KING! YOU HAD JUST GOTTEN OUT OF THE DOG HOUSE THEN YOU KICKED THE DOG OUT AND HEADED STRAIGHT BACK IN!

And as an extra flick in the nads, they left the regular grilled dog and chili cheese dog on the menu- they cut out Clint Eastwood and left us with The Bad and The Ugly!

            

Now, they roll out this so-called WHOPPERITO, just to rub salt in my wounds, and presumably some cumin and oregano as well.

Alright, alright. I've had my druthers and settled down a bit. To be honest, I was really quite excited to try out the Whopperito, but obviously the Whopper Dog left some big shoes to fill.

Basically, what I was picturing was the BK version of the McDonald's cheeseburger snack wrap from five years ago. Remember those little guys, before they came out with the whole big "healthy" McWrap with like cucumbers and fancy leaves and stuff? If I remember correctly, the first generation had three options: cheeseburger, and chicken (crispy/grilled). The chicken ones were legit, which led to its natural evolution, the aforementioned McWrap, but the cheeseburger one? All they did was take the contents of a McDouble and put them in a tortilla! Then they started getting real goofy about it- they did the Mac Wrap, the Angus Wrap, the Wrapper's Delight... it was a dark period of McDonalds history I refer to as to the Wrapture.

The Whopperito's promo picture had also left some ambiguity about what I was getting myself into. The white onions kind of looked like mayo, the tomatoes like ketchup, the cheese like mustard. And it gave no indication of the size. So I bought two, fully expecting to woof the little guy down in a few bites. 

DIOS MIO

Look at the size of this lump! This is exactly what my stomach would've looked like if BK had left the Whopper Dogs on the menu, stretch marks and all! And for $2.99?! Fair trade!

                                                 

I was immediately pleased at the first bite- nothing here but greasy ground beef accompanied by the strong taste of chili powder, which is pretty much how I make my burritos at home. My second bite revealed some crunchy white shit and some soggy red shit, which did more to vary the texture rather than the flavor, but there was bit of crunchy green shit that stood out (and it sure as shit wasn't lettuce). 

PICKLES

I don't know why, but I thought these pickles worked wonderfully- they cut through the single-note spicy beef flavor like Valyrian steel. Swing away, King Robert Burgeratheon! 

One minor goof here is a lack of sour cream. The spicy flavor comes from a condiment BK refers to as "creamy spicy sauce", but the former descriptor is severely lacking. I think there should be something else in the mix here besides the pickles to keep this beefy spice wad from being too uniform. Also, I didn't detect enough of that smokey chemical flavor to justify putting the word "Whopper" anywhere near this. On a side note, It'd be a neat experiment to try one of these with BK's stacker sauce instead of the creamy spicy one.

But all in all... crawl on out of the dog house, King. You can ride this review all the way back to the castle, because I'm giving you a B+. This spicy meat pocket (my nickname in HS) comes at a great price and its minor flaws could easily be covered up with a sour cream packet. Anybody hear ringing? Sounds like the Taco Bell death knell to me.

Review by Davos Sl33zworth

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Jack in the Box: Sriracha Curly Fry Burger Munchie Meal with a side of Panko Onion rings!

If there's one thing Jack in the Box knows about, it's that sometimes, late at night, people find one reason or another to need to chow down on junk food.  Sometimes it's due to late night cravings after following a strict diet for weeks. Other times it's because you're on the way back from a night of partying and need a belly full of fried to soak up all that beer. Or, you just plain have the munchies, and in this wonderful state of Washington where some things are more legal than in other places, that can happen quite often. 

Not to mention this is Microsoft ground zero, and gamers need late night junk food more than possibly anyone on the planet. What other fuel can carry them into that 14th hour straight of Rocket League?

Very often in these times, the people searching for this food have a hard time making up their minds, so Jack in the Box made it easy for them. Munchie Meals. One box, loaded with everything you could possibly need to put that late night hunger beast at bay. Today we check out the Jack in the Box Sriracha Curly Fry Burger Munchie Meal!

So I hit up a local Jack in the Box, rolled up to their drive through window and ordered this box of insanity, but then I spied those Panko Onion rings I have heard so much about, so I got an order of those too. All in a days work. But what exactly is in this Late Night Munchie Meal?

First up, you get your fountain drink. It's from one of those fancy new machines where you can add flavors to every kind of soda pop you can think of. I'll never complain about those machines because they are a fat mans vision of the future. I can pop some vanilla in root beer and make it instantly better? Or some strawberry flavor in my Sprite? DONE DEAL. Then, you also get two tacos.

I'm going to be honest with you. When I unwrapped this taco I tried to tell myself that there might be some way that it's at least passable. That a taco made at Jack in the Box might somehow at least be halfway decent. It's not. They are so bad on every level. I strolled into this wanting to give a glowing review but the first thing I take out is just...bad. The shell is like a soggy wad of cardboard that someone threw some strange meat, a few strips of lettuce and a third of a bottle of hot sauce into.

I finished this first one. It was my duty as a food blogger. However, I will let you know, one bite into the second one it met it's untimely end by plunging into the trash can But then I helped myself to a few curly fries, which were actually really good despite being thrown into this box without any sort of packaging at all. There are regular fries mixed in there too and they were also great. Cooked just right. They refer to this mix-up as "Halfsie Fries." I approve because I do often find myself having a hard time deciding between the two.

Then there's the main event. The Sriracha Curly Fry Burger. A cheeseburger topped with curly fries and a creamy Sriracha sauce. The picture of it on the display promoting it made it look like it was no less than eight inches thick, with at least as many fries pouring out of it as there are inside the box around it. Real life, it was a little different looking...

The tacos brought me down. The fries brought me back up. One look at this sad little burger and I felt like the Munchie Meal may have failed me. But then I took a bite...

And I was reminded that I should never judge a book by it's cover. This burger was actually really tasty! The bun was really fresh and chewy and the fries on the burger were still hot and crispy. The cheese made a nice creamy layer between the Sriracha sauce and the fries, keeping them fresh for longer. Someone up there in Jack in the Box HQ was really thinking when they put this together.

The burger ended up being a good time. There were lots of flavors and textures coming together that I really enjoyed. Curly fries on a burger should become a normal thing. If I had to deal out one piece of advice to the folks at Jack in the Box, it would be to abandon the tacos completely. Not just in this Munchie Meal, but everywhere. Just stop it. They aren't good! Replace them with literally anything and this meal would instantly be better. Think about it? Two Tacos worth of chicken nuggets? How about just more fries? Maybe some sort of desert item? Anything. But. The. Tacos.

But I also had to try these Panko Onion rings. We had a couple of readers write to us and ask us to give them a try so I was all about it. Especially when I realized that I could dip them into a Die Hard themed bbq sauce! The verdict? They are spectacular.

No lie. I was quite impressed with these! Panko breading is always so good and if you've ever had panko onion rings at restaurant, you realize that it's a flawless pairing, and Jack in the Box didn't cut any corners with these. Did I need them with the Munchie Meal? Probably not, but they definitely left me happy after the taco fiasco and left me wanting to go back and get more!

In the end I would say the Munchie Meal is a great deal no matter what. For the price you get a ton of food. The Tacos might have been god awful, but the rest was fun, quick and solid. Lots of enjoyable flavors and textures that a mind looking for a "Munchie Meal" should find quite enjoyable. I give the Sriracha Curly Fry Burger Munchie Meal a B-.

Panko Onion Rings get an A. So damn good. But be careful if you let them get cold and then decide not to chew them much, it's like swallowing a saw blade covered in broken glass.

For more information on these and other Jack in the Box offerings, check out their website!  https://www.jackinthebox.com/

Review by Rich Brunelle, who currently lives in Seattle but only for a very, very short amount of time.

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DADDY'S BONETOWN BURGERS FOOD TRUCK - BOSTON, MA

Who doesn’t love a good old fashioned annual craft fair? It’s one of the only chances you get in life to stock up on homemade pot holders, amateur watercolor paintings, and jewelry made of rocks wrapped in sterling silver- all at the same time! Time to clear out your bank account! Then there’s always the fun game of trying to avoid eye contact with all the handmade clothing vendors peddling what looks like stitched together scraps of discount fabric from Joanne’s. So after you’ve walked the four or five aisles of homemade soap and windchimes, you may start to wonder why you didn’t just spend your Saturday morning at home watching cartoons instead of early Christmas shopping for your weird aunt. But then you smell something delicious and suddenly going to the local craft fair was the best decision you made all week.

not exactly what i was expecting

My lack of regret came courtesy of Daddy's Bonetown Burgers food truck.There was a block of trucks lined up, so I decided to make my pick by looking at the size of the crowd out front and Bonetown won that contest by far. The line at this no-name craft fair had at least a 10 person queue but I knew it was my duty to wait. Well worth it. I mean, how could you go wrong with eating at a food truck with a sexy devil woman painted on the side? Already, I knew if it could be, they'd be the source of all my nutrition until my fiery, eternal end.

I picked what tickled my fancy, which at 11 AM was rightfully a burger with a fried egg on it. How else does one justify a burger for breakfast? Go ahead and slap a fried egg on a chocolate lava cake topped with pork rinds and onion rings and I'll scream out "COCKADOODLEDOOOOOOOOO!"

My choice was the Die Munster (sic) Die- which is a burger with a soft fried egg, sriracha pickles, muenster cheese, and bacon aioli. If you didn't just say DAYUMN out loud, you may want to reconsider your blog reading choices.

 

When I tasted it, the advertised flavors weren't totally all there- a hint of spice but mostly just pickle, and the aioli was definitely overshadowed by the egg- I wish they had added bacon to it rather than attempt to lock its flavor within the aioli (although its a clever idea for leftover bacon grease).

Was it a delicious treat worth $9? Hell yea, absolutely. By far the most delicious item I'd tasted all day. I originally thought to make this a 3 food truck review, but instead one became a mini-review and the other main course wasn't even worth it. This Bonetown offering was satisfying enough on its own. I regret not trying all of their burgers and just making that the review. Next time I'm going to chase them down the street like the ice cream truck.

 

Bonetown Burgers' Die Muenster Die: a soft, fried B+. If I could detect all the advertised flavors more consistently, it would've been at least an A. But if I can eat a burger and love it without being tempted to slather it in so much relish, mayo, mustard, and ketchup that the bun disintegrates, it signals to me the flavors are on point.

doesn't get much better than that

#blessed

Review by sl33zy
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Burger King: The Angriest of all Whoppers

Burger King released a black-bunned Halloween-themed burger last year. It gained notoriety after people started dropping bright green deuces. It became a bowel movement badge of honor to try this burger. Think about that for a moment. People were buying this Whopper to see how it looked the next day. Great marketing tactic, BK!

I’m sad to report that the new bright red Burger King Angriest Whopper bun does not cause turd tinting. This is not as big of a letdown as the burger itself.

Full disclosure: I had to get some liquid courage before this review due to my general dislike of BK. I do promise that this is an objective review.

Burger King mindgames

I ripped into the bag (possible red poo, remember) and was immediately disappointed. I ordered the large fry and this was a medium at best. BK fries are some of the worst but can easily be improved with salt and ranch. On to the main event!

WOW! Looks exactly like the promo pics!

According to BK’s website, The Angriest Whopper consists of savory flame-grilled beef, piled high with thick-cut bacon, American cheese, iceberg lettuce, tomatoes, angry onion petals, jalapenos, creamy mayonnaise and spicy angry sauce all layered between a red bun that has hot sauce baked in. YUM!!! 

Yes, that is a red-bun

The Whopper is a decent fast food burger. It’s got the nostalgia factor but hasn’t really changed in decades. Enter the Angriest Whopper. First impressions, it’s a mess. There was too much going on. The pissed off onion petals were chewy and most definitely not freshly fried. No heat. The lettuce was limp and pointless. Same with the tomato. They forgot the “angry sauce.” The jalapenos added some heat, natch, but were right out the can. Some fresh ones would’ve done wonders. The bacon was decent and had a nice crisp. The massive globs of mayo were a bit much for this guy, but the American cheese added a nice flavor and was melted perfectly.

I can’t get over how this looks 100% like the pics from the website

And how about that novelty bright red bun with hot sauce BAKED RIGHT IN?? It tasted just like a regular bun. I even isolated a morsel to make it more scientific of a process. Not hot, not even Gringo hot. Straight up Whopper bun. 

Burger King is as royal as King Joffrey, nay, Prince Robin of the Vale-I’m way too excited about season 6 of Game of Thrones. Anyways, I’ll gladly stick with BK for their satisfying and greasy breakfast menu but you’re killin me with these garbage burgers.

I give the “Angriest Whopper” a C for only truly being a little miffed, not Hulk-angry, as I was promised. -Mark

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The Tuckaway Tavern & Butchery

Being a man young in age, sometimes you're oblivious to things. Sometimes you're too busy chasing skirts, looking at car magazines, racing hot rods, and smoking cigarettes outside of a bowling alley to notice when something incredible is right in front of your face. If this were not a food blog, I could quite possibly be speaking of a long lost girl in high school, a pretty face you glance at through a crowd, but nope, you're right. It's about food. It's always about food. Welcome my friends, to a place I've lived 35 minutes from for 4 years, The Tuckaway.

   

The Tuckaway isn't just your ordinary tavern with bar food and a few beers on tap. When you walk in, after you put your name down, you have the option to visit their world renowned butchery. As I walked up and down, the displays overloaded my eyes and ballooned my want to buy everything that's showcased. I mean, you walk in starving wanting to eat, and there it all is....

After salivating over various meats and treats, me and my roomates sat down and waited for our name to be called. Early afternoon on a Sunday there was a small wait, I can imagine this place fills to the brim Friday and Saturday nights. 

.....

even as a professional food blogger, I still feel weird taking pictures in restaurants.

the menu. pretty goddamn cool!

The menu boasted so many great things. A typical American New England steakhouse burgers and ribs joint, with a dash of seafood, a few salads, and a few southern style BBQ plates to round out everything quite nicely. I ended up settling for something I think any Fat Guy Food Blog fan would approve of, The Pig Pile. A Bacon Cheddar Onion Burger with layers of Bacon, Cheddar, American, and Swiss Cheese. But before we get to that, let's see what kind of an appetizer I decided to go with. 

Rooster Balls: Shredded Chicken, Cream Cheese, Vegetables, Honey Buffalo and Cilantro Ranch

These were absolutely delicious. When you bit into them, the crunchy deep fried breading squished down and pushed shredded chicken and cream cheese into your mouth, with the buffalo and cilantro ranch taking your mind away from what would ordinarily be a bad texture, and turned it into this pleasing mouth experience that made you want to keep eating them. No real heat to these, just a familiar buffalo sting on the outer edges of the tongue. 

With the Rooster Balls being out of this world, and seeing other plates of massive meat and piles of fries delivered past me, I was pumped to see what was in store.

THE LOGO IS STAMPED INTO THE BUN AAAAAIIIEEE!!!!!

ordered medium rare

Alright, I know if it were Rich reviewing this burger, he would have passed by this in favor of something covered in various amounts of sauces, and different gimmicks. And believe me, I wanted to go there too, but after the first bite into this burger, I knew I made the right decision. This is hands down, the best, straight up non gimmicked burger I've ever had to date. What I mean by this, is that this burger doesn't rely on a fancy sauce, doesn't let odd condiments take you away from what this burger is all about. This burger lets the goddamn burger do all the talking, but making sure it is on it's A game being surrounded by such a strong cast of cheese and bacon. The squishy bun makes sure to not get in the way, and only act as a way to keep you from getting grease on your fingers.

Cooked to perfection, perfectly sized, amazing grilled burger taste, a stack of bacon that doesn't overwhelm the burger flavor, and a thick layer of cheese. All around awesome. My only gripe with my entire meal was that it seems The Tuckaway hasn't seen itself unaffected by the social disease that is the lack of fries on a plate. We hammered on Friday's for long enough, and they listened. Hopefully The Tuckaway and others can free themselves of this affliction soon!

The Tuckaway is exactly what it says it is, a rather large tavern and shop tucked away in the small town of Raymond in southern New Hampshire. They had so many options, and if this is the starting line, I absolutely cannot wait to enjoy the journey through the entire menu. The Tuckaway Tavern and Butchery gets an A.

- Review by Josh

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here's a few bonus pictures of my roomates meals, just to give you something else to make you get in the care and drive there as fast as humanly possible. 

full rack of BBQ Baby Rack Ribs!

Classic Mac and Cheese for the man who only wanted to eat as many carbs as possible that day