Thursday, November 27, 2014

PIZZA HUT WEEK, DAY 4: Cherry Pepper Bombshell

Day 4 of FGFB Pizza Hut week brings us to a pizza I can confidently say I would never try if it wasn't for us trading slices, but that taught me that leaving your comfort zone can be a great thing. 

By the way, if we haven't said this yet- you should do what we did. You don't have to be a bunch of pizza-crazed fat guys watching wrestling. You can just be people who like pizza. Get a bunch of different pizzas and slice-for-slice trade. You'll get to try weird stuff that you maybe wouldn't normally. And you may find something extraordinary you've been missing out on. Do it. 

So anyway, when we ordered, Dan was the only one of us who had tried a new Pizza Hut pizza, and although he wanted to try one (or all) of the other 20 new pizzas, he got what he had gotten before, because he was freaking out so hard about how good it was- the Cherry Pepper Bombshell. 

I assumed a cherry pepper bombshell looked something like this:


but nope. Sadly, it looks like this: 

what is that, lettuce? Is this a salad or a pizza?

Dan was more excited to eat something he'd already eaten than we were to try a whole new menu. Look at him peaking at Rich's chocolate chip cookie while Rich wasn't looking!

probably mouth breathed all over it

So this thing is as described: "premium crushed tomato sauce, premium salami (thank god they're both premium!), Peruvian cherry peppers and fresh spinach- flavored up with toasted Asiago on the crust edge and a balsamic sauce drizzle." They recommended their thin n' crispy crust, so that's what we got.

We opened up the box and although they forgot spinach, I was pretty impressed with this thing:

lookit that color!

Truthfully, I would't want spinach anyway. I like spinach in some things, but only cooked spinach. I can't imagine raw spinach leaves would improve this pizza, but Dan swears that it does. I'll have to find out later, because clearly, the night we ordered, Pizza Hut was either out of spinach or the person who made these pies hates it and tried to spare us.

I was pretty out of my comfort zone on this one. I've never had a peruvian cherry pepper and am usually pretty hesitant when it comes to peppers in general. I'm sure I've had salami on a meat pizza, but I don't think I've had it in giant slices like this- so predominant and huge. And I certainly had never had a balsamic glaze on a pizza, and probably not on anything else to be honest. Laugh at my food ignorance, but I hear "balsamic" and I think of salad dressing. And that's not something I want on a pizza. 

But this? This I want on a pizza.


So I'll break this down for you. 

Peruvian Cherry Peppers: Out. Standing. They're so sweet, they're like candy. There is absolutely no spice to them, and the Hut chopped them up nice and small so the pizza didn't get all watery, like green peppers can do. These have an almost fruity (not too fruity) sweetness that's hard to describe really- they are unique and they are special. 

Balsamic Glaze: While I don't agree that I want this on every pizza ever like Josh said in his review, it is absolutely essential to the success of this particular pizza. It kicks the sweetness of the cherry peppers- sorry, PERUVIAN cherry peppers into the next stratosphere. This glaze is like sweet, syrupy candy sauce, but sweet in a way that I feel like it would only work as well as it does with other sweet toppings. But man, it is fantastic on this pizza. Great job, Pizza Hut.

Salami: Just salty and spicy enough that it really works nicely to offset the sweetness of everything else. Pepperoni, my standard pizza topping, would probably be too spicy, while this really works very well. I noticed a slight spice in my mouth after finishing my piece, which is probably a little from the salami and a little from the peppers. But again, not too much.

Spinach: I don't know, but I'll find out, cuz I'll be getting this again. I feel like the last thing this pizza needs is bitterness, but maybe it adds just enough to make the sweetness not so ridiculous, while adding some texture and vegetables so Mom is happy. 


The crust was thin. That's about all I can say about it. The same goes for the Asiago crust. I have no complaints, but neither added a lot. It'd be hard for anything to really stand out on this candy pizza other than the candy.

As this pizza was, I have no choice but to give it an A. It's not something I'll get all the time though. It honestly was so sweet, I felt like I was eating a dessert pizza, which was kind of weird to me. But hey, I'm an adult. Why couldn't I just get a standard Mike pizza, then get one of these for dessert? Any pizza with any customization for only 11 bucks online? That's not a bad 22 dollar dinner and dessert right there...

-review by Mike

Feel free to drop us a line if there's an item or place you'd like us to review, or to just tell us how awesome we are. You can email us at fatguyfoodblog@gmail.com or hit us up on facebook or twitter!

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

PIZZA HUT WEEK, DAY 3: The Pretzel Piggy

Day three, and you're wondering, "How in the hell are they going to keep reviewing pizzas?" Well consider your mouth slapped cause here is, what I believe, is the best in the Hut offerings so far. You've read the stories on how this came to be, so I won't bore you with the rehashing of the tale of Ol' Fat Hobbit Dan and his news of pizza from far away lands. I'll just get straight to the pizza!

First off, I'm going to say that I 1000% disagree with the other two on their once ignorant hatred for the Hut. Pizza Hut has long been a favorite of mine. Stuffed crust is something I think the world can unite on as being the single most innovative thing to happen to pies in the 20th century, but Pizza Hut Pan Pizzas have had the best crust of any pizza place that I've ever had. It's signature grease soaked crust adds another layer of flavor to which is an often overlooked part of a pie. So when I read their posts, and see that they have finally come around....


So enough bullshirting around, let's get to what you all want to see, The Pretzel Piggy.


This pie boasts Creamy garlic Parmesan sauce, hardwood smoked bacon, fresh mushrooms and fresh spinach—flavored up with a salted pretzel crust edge and a Balsamic sauce drizzle. If you've noticed, I did alter the pizza slightly. Mushrooms are only good for altering your consciousness and don't belong on pizza, so I went ahead and substituted them for banana peppers. What I tasted, truly changed the pizza game.


First slap onto my tongue, was exquisite. The creamy Parmesan sauce, had a nice thick cheesy feel, one that might mimic cheese to dip pretzels in. Unfortunately they forgot the spinach on this work of art, but that's ok, I'm sure not having it didn't take away, but having it would definitely add to the overall texture to this.



Now, the odd thing in this whole dynamic was the bacon. The bacon was actually quite good, flavorful, it had a slight jerky texture, which I didn't hate. So what actually took me aback, was the fact that the bacon played second flavor fiddle to what can only be described as the greatest addition to pizza of all time, balsamic drizzle. I absolutely NEVER want a pizza without it now. The vinegar just pushed the flavor of the cheese and Parmesan sauce over the edge.

So up until now, the pizza sounds like the greatest pizza ever correct? Not so. As you get towards the end of the slice and into the highly anticipated Pretzel crusted edge, you notice how incredibly salty it is. Not just a little, but pizza ruining, mouth burning salt. So much salt you could pay an entire Roman fleet (sometimes Roman soldiers were paid in salt, it's where the word salary comes from).

Honestly this pizza was stellar, but where it fell flat was at the crust, which if you remember from earlier in the post was always my favorite part of Pizza Hut. This won't be my last time getting the Pretzel Piggy, next time I'll request if they can put a little less of that salt on there, and I think we might have one of my favorite pizzas of all time. Much better than Rich or Mikes that they reviewed.

Pretzel Piggy: B
Pizza Hut in general: A+
-Josh

I highly suggest you get some of these, it'll turn your average wrestling pizza party from this


to this



As always, feel free to drop us a line if there's an item or place you'd like us to review, or to just tell us how awesome we are. You can email us at fatguyfoodblog@gmail.com or hit us up on facebook or twitter !




Tuesday, November 25, 2014

PIZZA HUT WEEK, DAY 2: The Giddy-up BBQ Chicken Pizza!

Much like my buddy Mike, in recent years I have not been a fan of Pizza Hut. I used to freak out for the stuffed crust, I once even deemed it my favorite pizza. In fact, I once made a bet with a friend and the wager was a large onion stuffed crust. I won! Now way before that, I used to be a little fat kid who loved to read books. So when Pizza Hut was doing BOOK IT, I would tear through books like a madman to get those damn little stars so I could earn a personal pan pizza. Tough for my mom to say no to a trip to the Hut when I was getting a free pie out of the deal! But lately I just haven't been a fan. Seemed like the same old thing over and over. That coupled with the fact that I downright despise their pan pizza crust. I would honestly rather not have pizza than eat a slice of that. Something about how spongy and loaded with grease it is. I'm cringing just thinking about it.

But then, just when you think Pizza Hut is down for the count. Just when you're about to toss the first shovel full of dirt onto it's casket...




Ol' Pizza Hut still has some life left in them! 

I'm going to be honest here, looking at the new Pizza Hut menu offerings, I was taken aback. I had seen the articles. The Internet buzz had swept me up and I read through it all with glee. But when it came time to order, I panicked. WHAT PIE DO I GET?! Which crust? Sauce?! WHAT DAMN DRIZZLE WILL I HAVE THEM DRENCH IT WITH?!?! These questions plagued us all. But what I finally did was say, I am going to try one of the specialty pizzas that they put together for me, but one that boasts all the things that I love.

Well that wasn't hard. The Giddy-up BBQ Chicken pizza had my name written all over it. Sure, the name is kind of corny, but the combination of ingredients was too good to pass up! BBQ sauce, grilled chicken, hardwood smoked bacon, and red onions. But to top it off? Their new crispy cheddar crust and a bbq sauce drizzle! LET'S DO THIS, PIZZA HUT!


We are WAY too happy about this stack of pizzas. 


First off? This is a beautiful looking pizza. A+ for presentation right out of the box! 




 I ordered it on the hand tossed crust, which the website recommended. I also stuck with the cheddar crust, because HOW COULD THAT BE BAD?  So from what I can tell with these crusts, is that they either add cheese in certain ways, or a glaze to the crusts to enhance them. So with this one they added a ton of cheddar to it, so you get that crispy overcooked cheese all around it, and it's phenomenal. It adds another level of crispiness to the crust that was just excellent.



The biggest thing you notice about this pizza right away? How sweet it is. The bbq sauce on this thing is like candy. Willy Wonka himself would take a bite out of this and instantly throw a thumbs up and start dancing about it. It's a classic mix of bbq chicken pizza. Nice white meat chicken, covered in sweet bbq sauce, crunchy onions, huge chunks of delicious bacon and just the right amount of cheese. And then that crust! Two distinct crunches rolled into one! I don't have a bad thing to say about this pizza! Not one!



I'm going to give the Pizza Hut Giddy-up BBQ Chicken an A+
If you're down with a good BBQ chicken pie, this one is for you. Get it on the hand tossed crust with the cheddar. You won't be sorry!

Be sure to check out the rest of our Pizza Hut reviews for the rest of the week (EVEN ON THANKSGIVING!) and be sure to check out the first one from Monday.  It's a great review AND it's loaded with helpful hints about how/what to order, complete with all of the options laid out on a couple big charts!

As always, feel free to drop us a line if there's an item or place you'd like us to review, or to just tell us how awesome we are. You can email us at fatguyfoodblog@gmail.com or hit us up on facebook or twitter !


Review by Rich

Monday, November 24, 2014

Pizza Hut Relaunches Its Whole Menu! FGFB PIZZA HUT WEEK: Day 1: Old-Fashioned Meatbrawl

A few weeks ago, our pal Dan was hanging out at our house, probably watching something awesome like wrestling, and he said "oh wait, have you guys heard about the new Pizza Hut menu?"

While my ears flipped up like a dog hearing his name come dinner time, I wasn't as psyched as I should have been. After all, it's Pizza Hut. Who cares?

I grew up eating mostly local pizza places- a lot of "Houses of." Sometime in high school, a Pizza Hut opened up in the next town over, and we got it a few times. It was solid, but it wasn't until 1995, when the greatest invention my young eyes had ever seen came out that I fell in love. The Stuffed Crust pizza made me an instant Pizza Hut fanboy. A Huttie. 

Over time, Pizza Hut became a staple of my diet as my weekly Friday night pizza. Then I went to college in the middle of nowhere, and I was back to local places. I didn't visit the Hut for years. When I finally went back a few years after college, I wondered what the hell I had been doing eating Pizza Hut growing up. It was terrible. Somehow, they had ruined the sauce- it was either oddly bitter and peppery, or weirdly sweet. I'd get it again a year or so later, and it was better, but still pretty blah. Perhaps my tastes had matured and left the Hut behind.

I didn't care though- I had local places, so Pizza Hut kept going without me caring. And apparently not a lot of other people cared either. 


Remember when nobody cared about Domino's a few years ago and they changed how they made pizza? I didn't think the new version was that much better, but I loved that they flat out admitted that they had been failing at making good pizza, and they were going to try their best to fix that. And then they delivered with their Pan Pizza. That 2 topping Pan Pizza for $7.99 (now $8.99, bastards) deal changed my life. That pizza is SO GODDAMN DELICIOUS that all of a sudden, crappy old Domino's was back on my large pizza-shaped radar. And I'd never call them crappy again. In fact, I'd stop anyone who spoke ill of Domino's and hold my hand out- waiting for them to finish so I could tell them how wrong they'd find out they were once they got a pan pizza.

And now, after seeing what can be done with an overhaul and commitment to better oneself, Pizza Hut has adopted Domino's strategy and has truly come out of the shadows to give the mainstream pizza world a beautiful glowing light of hope. 
At least I'd hoped.

As Dan read off the changes Pizza Hut would be making, my eyes grew wider after everything he said. The things he was telling me were blowing my mind. 

New ingredients including crazy stuff like Peruvian Cherry Peppers. 
New sauces like a Creamy Garlic Parmesan.
And new options for customization that seemed impossible. I could now get crust flavors, which means they will sprinkle and brush seasonings onto the crust and bake it- from expected stuff like toasted parmesan to insane stuff like honey sriracha. 
And last and absolutely not least, I could get "Sauce Drizzles," meaning they will draw a pretty little circle of sauce over the top of your pizza, from normals like barbeque and buffalo sauce to the super fancy Balsamic, which is a "slightly sweet reduction of Modena, Italy, balsamic vinegar, aged in oak and chestnut casks."
Wow.

AAAAAND, across 3 different menus (New Recipes, Flavor Pioneers, and Skinny Pizzas), there are now 21 new specialty pizzas. Twenty one.

So, this Sunday, while we watched Survivor Series (we apparently watch a lot of wrestling), we decided to help Pizza Hut out on their launch weekend, and ordered a lot of pizza.


First of all, there are, according to Pizza Hut, 2 billion possible combinations. And, once you set up an online account at pizzahut.com, you can go through and make your own monster, try a specialty pizza, or try a specialty pizza and make your own monster out of it. The possibilities are endless and insane. (Oh- and just make an account. Because if you don't, the website will ask you to on EVERY SINGLE THING YOU CLICK.)

We really like pizza though, so I'm gonna tell you now- we didn't go insane just for insane purposes. While Pizza Hut currently has an $11 for ANY pizza deal, we still wanted to enjoy our pizzas. And we did. Oh yes, we did.

What did I try first? The Old-Fashioned Meatbrawl.

and it was beautiful

This guy is described as follows: Classic marinara sauce, classic meatballs, fresh red onions and diced Roma tomatoes, with "Hut favorite" on the crust edge (garlic buttery blend with grated parmesan and Italian herbs). I felt I wanted a little bit of spice, so I added pepperoni, and went with my old favorite, stuffed crust. I also changed the sauce- as much as I like a marinara and meatball combo, I really wanted to try the Premium Crushed Tomato sauce. 

It really looked like a glorious pie. As excited as I was to try the new Pizza Hut, I didn't expect it to look this good.


It was a great pizza. It really was. 

I'm gonna tell you right now- with a name like Meatbrawl, this one seemed like one we had to order. I imagined taking pictures of me fighting my pizza. I imagined the meat from this pizza kicking my ass, and I would be the loser of the Meatbrawl, while simultaneously being the winner (cuz I'd be eating delicious pizza, duh). But none of those pictures happened, because this pizza was, for lack of a funny thing to say, positively delightful. While clearly "meatbrawl" was just a clever take on meatball, it sounds violent, and this pizza was too good and too fancy to be called something as violent as a Meatbrawl. It should be called something tender and sweet, like a Meat Massage or something.

Ok, maybe not "Meat Massage."

The meatballs were really good- very flavorful and tender, but with the occasional crispness around the edge. I'm not a big onion guy, but these were crisp and pretty perfectly distributed. The tomatoes were awesome and very sweet, made even more sweet by the crushed tomato sauce. The greatness of the sauce was most noticed when I got towards the end of the piece and it was just stuffed crust and a little sauce. The sweetness really went well with the stuffed crust. But what went even better with it was the Hut Favorite crust flavoring. Each crust was a garlic and italian herb mozarella stick with tinges of sweet sauce. I wondered how I had ever enjoyed stuffed crust without this. So good.


We all did piece-for-piece trades that night so we could really experience all Pizza Hut had to offer, and I liked everything I had. But those other pizzas will have to wait until tomorrow. Wait, what? A review tomorrow?

Yea, that's right. Today marks the beginning of FGFB PIZZA HUT WEEK. A different pizza every day. Yea, we know it's Thanksgiving week. You know what we're thankful for? The new Pizza Hut.

For real- this pizza was perfectly put together and everything about it ruled. I don't know if I'd get this exact one again, but I'd take parts of it into my next journey for sure. 2 billion possible combinations and an (online only) $11 for any pizza deal? Congratulations Pizza Hut, you're back from the grave, and you've reached one half-rotted, decrepit zombie arm out of the dirt and directly into my heart.

Pizza Hut in general: A+
This pizza: A

-review by Mike


Oh, you're still reading? Good. Cuz I made these charts for you to condense the website onto 1 picture. You're welcome. Click it to make it big.

New specialty pizzas:


And here's some other key elements of the ordering process condensed for our loyal readers. On the left is the beginning of the process, when you can select the specialty pizzas we got. Below that is the options for sauce drizzles. And to the right are the options for crust flavors. Study these, then get to ordering before Pizza Hut realizes how insane it is to give you any pizza for $11.


Again, 

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Taco Bell Breakfast Part 3: California Crunchwrap, Grande Scrambler Burrito, and more!

While I'm someone who almost never eats breakfast and just as often goes to Taco Bell, I was still pretty psyched to attack an entire menu of items Taco Bell rolled out in April of this year, when they decided to join the ranks of the fast food heavies in the breakfast pool. I wrote 2 lengthy reviews, and although the reviews were mixed, enough was good that it made my 4 trips across 2 weeks worth it. So I'd be damned if I was gonna let another one of these jabronis review their new items. THAT'S ON ME, DOGG.

I only knew of one new item- the Country Crunchwrap (say that 4 times fast- it blew my mind how quickly I was saying a certain 4 letter C word completely by accident), but once I looked up the info on it, I was psyched to see 4 other new items: the Country Grilled Breakfast Burrito, California AM Crunchwrap, Grande Scrambler Burrito, and Fiesta Potato Grilled Breakfast Burrito. 

I dragged myself to my car and drove to Taco Bell, straight to the drive-thru nobody was at, and quickly saw that there were no breakfast items. 

"Um... do you guys still do breakfast?"
"No breakfast"
"Did I miss it, or do you just not do breakfast anymore here?"
"Yea, no breakfast."

Thanks. 
Yea, so the Taco Bell I go to, which is in a very populated area right in the middle of the city (Four Corners in Woburn, MA) has stopped doing breakfast. Not a good sign. 

I visited the one in Somersworth, NH a few days later, and drove straight to the drive-thru nobody was at, and luckily was able to order all 5 items. Booyah achieved.


I started with the item I had heard of before:


This was the same standard Crunchwrap deal, but with a country gravy instead of their creamy jalapeno sauce. As I finished ordering, I was kind of sad that I'd be eating gravy instead of that jalapeno sauce I loved so much. I love gravy, but I'm kind of a gravy purist- I really only like it on Thanksgiving stuff or poutine. I've never really done the whole country fried steak thing or had gravy on breakfast.

Well, good thing I wasn't too psyched about this, because the genius at the drive-thru decided to order me a standard AM Crunchwrap instead of the country one.


I guess I'll have to go out to breakfast again. Awesome.

Next up was the:


I don't know when the whole "if something has guacamole in it, it's Californian" thing started (ok, I just looked it up- someone on yahoo answers says that 95% of avacados come from California. I'll choose to believe that). 
This guy is hash brown, bacon, egg, cheese, guac, and "freshly prepared" pico de gallo. Sounds great to me.


And it was solid. But you'll notice that there's lots of egg, bacon, hash brown and guac, but where's that pico de gallo?


Ah, of course, it's missing. Why would Taco Bell actually make a menu item correctly? That'd be RIDICULOUS. 

I'm a big fan of tomato, so I really missed what I imagined the flavor of this would be with pico de gallo in it. There were a few tiny pieces of tomato at the very end, and those bites were the best. But other than that, this was really pretty solid. The bacon wasn't overwhelming, and the guac really stood out. I almost would prefer all these flavors in a burrito because the hash brown felt a bit out of place, but this was still very good. 
B+

Next up was the other country item, the Country Grilled Breakfast Burrito.


I feel like that's a weird name for this. I feel like it's saying this was grilled in the country. Why not just "Country Breakfast Burrito"?

Anyway, this is exactly what it looks like- country gravy, home fries, cheese, eggs, and sausage (you can get it with other meats if you want).


It was ok. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but gravy and eggs were an odd combination to me. I mean, truthfully, the gravy overpowered most flavors (even the sausage), so this was kind of just a gravy-flavored goo tube. Every now and then, sausage flavor would kick in, but gravy was mostly what I tasted, and again, although I love gravy, I don't really want it for breakfast. 
C (if you're like me)
B- (if you love gravy for breakfast)

Next up was the one item that screamed TACO BELL BREAKFAST to me- the Grande (why's there an e?) Scrambler Burrito, which I got with what they suggested, steak.


This could have been mixed up better, but this was generally pretty awesome. This is basically the one item Taco Bell should have had from the beginning: eggs, potatoes, steak, cheese, nacho cheese sauce, sour cream, and pico de gallo. In other words, a mess of goodness.

one of the most "actually looks like the promo picture" items in FGFB history

This was mixed poorly, in that the top had most of the sour cream, while the bottom was all nacho cheese, but this was still great. All the flavors mixed together wonderfully in a classic breakfast burrito mess. The nacho cheese and tomato made it feel Mexican, and there was a good amount of steak and egg to make it nice and hearty. It made me feel a bit gross, but that's how it would be with anything that has 2 sauces I guess. Still, I wouldn't mind some guac in here. Or maybe some chips for texture?!
A

And lastly, the Fiesta Potato Grilled Breakfast Burrito, or, what they call it, the Grilled Breakfast Burrito- Fiesta Potato.


I wasn't too psyched about this, as it's just home fries, egg, pico de gallo and nacho cheese. It says this is available with sausage or bacon too, but I'm not sure how to even order that. Plus, the picture was of the basic vegetarian (sort of) option, so that's what I went with.

AND DIDN'T GET.


yea, that's just egg, potato and cheese.

BASTARDS!

So this was understandably blah, and while I didn't spend a lot on these 5 items ($12.15), I was pretty pissed in general. I got 5 items, and the idiots at Taco Bell only got 3 right. Really, they only got 2.5 right, since there was basically the equivalent of 2 tomato squares in my California Crunchwrap.

So, in order to truly review the full Taco Bell breakfast menu, I'd have to go to Taco Bell again, and this time, because of work, I'd be reviewing items at 60 miles an hour.

probably should be going faster than that in the passing lane!

So I ordered the Fiesta potato burrito and stuttered my way through ordering the country crunch wrap (100% saying "cunt" this time, sorry drive-thru lady) and headed out. When I ordered the Country Am Crunchwrap, I didn't specify a meat, and she just said "ok." This worried me, but I was too tired to think about it and said "oh yea, with sausage," which she confusingly and awkwardly said "ok" to. Should I have checked to make sure everything was right or even had her read my order back? While that would have been smart, I chose to trust the drive thru lady. She couldn't get these items wrong twice, could she?

Of course she could. Why would someone working the drive thru at Taco Bell actually know what items they sold? Why would someone making the food actually know what ingredients are supposed to be in it?

This fiesta potato burrito was much MUCH better than the first, because they remembered the nacho cheese, and they remembered it in a big way.


But they forgot the pico de gallo, which again, was really missing from this. This was a great nacho cheese, egg and potato wrap, but that's not what I wanted. What do I rate the Fiesta Potato Grilled Burrito? I don't know. I'll give it a theoretical C+. I definitely need some meat. And tomatoes.

Next was the Country Crunchwrap again. 

good thing traffic was backed up for 20 minutes- it gave me a nice still car to take pics in

I'm a very sarcastic, pessimistic person. As I took the wrapper out of the bag, I thought to myself, "there is NO WAY this is a Country Crunchwrap. And hey, if it isn't, sweet, I get to eat creamy jalapeno sauce." 

I was listening to a podcast about how psychadelic experiences helped a dude be more open and free with his life, not questioning things so much, seeing things more positively, seeing challenges as small tests, and seeing negativity as just something small to get over- live a positive life and all will be good. And I thought that maybe I should believe that they got this right. Maybe I should be positive and the universe will reward me. Then I thought, "yea, all positivity and hope aside, there is no way this idiot got this order right. NO WAY."


You see any gravy in there? Yea, me neither. Do you see creamy jalapeno sauce? Probably not, but it was there. Cuz this is just a regular sausage Crunchwrap. GODDAMN YOU TACO BELL. GODDAMN YOU TO HELL.

I rate the Country AM Crunchwrap: I WILL NEVER KNOW. 3 tries is all you get Taco Bell. THAT'S IT. I DON'T EVEN WANT IT ANYMORE.

I get that I can be demanding or harsh. Fast food places aren't known for sending batches of rocket scientists straight from the fryolator to NASA. And maybe the drive-thru lady didn't understand me perfectly. Maybe it was her first week on the job (it's not, she's been there forever). Maybe she's going through something in her life and I should be more sympathetic. 

Or maybe Taco Bell shouldn't suck so much. 

I've said this before on this blog, but I'm saying it again- the first time I ever went to a Taco Bell, I asked for a side of salsa. I realize now that they don't really even have salsa there, but I didn't know that at the time. I figured a Mexican restaurant (even a fast food one) would have salsa, or at least be able to give me pico de gallo and fool my unlearned young white mind. But no, the chick stared at me in full braindead zombie mode and stuttered out, "ketchup?" I had to get a manager to find out if they had salsa or not. A GODDAMNED MANAGER. FOR SALSA AT A MEXICAN PLACE. 

Years later, I'd go periodically, and they messed up my order periodically.

When I did the double breakfast review, they screwed up my orders a bunch.

And now, to try 5 items, it would take 3 trips across 2 Taco Bells to still not get to try 5 items. How many more trips would it take? 1? 4? 100?

I submitted a complaint online, but I'm sure that will do about as good as the complaint I sent in about the salsa incident (I was completely ignored).

Oh well. Taco Bell should pay The Rolling Stones a massive sum to change their slogan to "You can't always get what you want." Sorry, it would have to be: "Taco Bell: No siempre se puede conseguir lo que quieres."

Recap:

California AM Crunchwrap: B+
Country Grilled Breakfast Burrito: C
Grande Scrambler Burrito: A
Fiesta Potato Grilled Breakfast Burrito: Theoretical C+
Country AM Crunchwrap: Maybe you can tell me?

-review by Mike

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Friday, October 31, 2014

Totino's BOLD: BBQ Chicken and Spicy Taco Style Rolls

Now that I'm sitting down to write this review, these may not be quite as new as I thought they were, but I'd never seen Spicy Taco Style or BBQ Seasoned Chicken Rolls before (and have actually only seen them in 1 Stop n Shop), so I figured it was worth letting the unwashed masses know if Totino's had added some badass, BOLD new additions to their lineup, or if they just put out utter garbage nobody should eat like they enjoy doing.


What I didn't realize (before paying 4 dollars, eating and not enjoying, then throwing out the bag) was that I'd already reviewed Jalapeno Popper rolls. Not only that, but I gave them a D-, which now, after having them again, I realize was being nice. They're easily an F. They taste like fake pepper flavor (closer to green pepper than jalapeno) with weird cheese ooze and a flavorless, hot aftertaste that didn't make me want to eat another one. I'm chalking up my forgetfulness not to an old, tired brain riddled with hits to the head and full of useless knowledge and empty spaces where things like the ability to socialize or remember bad food should be- no- I'm chalking it up to the Jalapeno Popper rolls being so bad that I chose to black out their memory. I buried their memory deep in my past, and they found a way back into my life. How BOLD of them. 

Really, I'm just real dumb. 

Anyway, my trip post is now a dub post. I should note that when I didn't remember I had already reviewed these, the Jalapeno Popper rolls were the ones I figured would be the one good roll out of the three. Yikes.

I made up a beautiful presentation of food and cooked it the way only a top tier chef would- throwing 3 in the microwave for 2 rounds of 35 seconds.

MMMMMM LOOKS GOOD

I mean-mugged the hell out of these rolls. If they were so BOLD as to enter my life and make me buy their forgotten brother- if they were so BOLD as to not exist in the nicely priced small boxes and cost 4 bucks each for a giant bag of probable crap, I would be BOLD right back in their face. 

because nothing says bold like a red bandanna headband

I cooked up some "Spicy Taco Style" rolls and opened the microwave to an overwhelmingly accurate taco smell. They certainly got that right. 

I then busted one of these apart. Boldly.


What's interesting about these is that the bag describes them as "Mexican style rolls with taco seasoned chicken and beef pizza topping in a golden crust." No mention of green peppers or jalapenos or whatever the huge chunks of green are in this. And what the hell is beef pizza topping? Isn't that just beef? Or did they coin the term "beef pizza topping" to use because it's not actually meat? 
Anyway, these tasted pretty much like spicy taco. I couldn't differentiate between chicken and beef pizza topping or taste cheese. So it was pretty much just taco-flavored goo. Which, if you're buying these, is really all you should want and expect. So these succeeded in at least tasting like what they should taste like, and then the heat kicked in. They were not kidding about these being spicy. In fact, they were so BOLD in their spice that these became hard to eat after a few. So I looked in the fridge for sour cream but came up empty. I did have some guac left over from the night before, so I gave it a shot.


And it was... ok. The guac disguised a lot of the taco flavor and sort of killed the heat, but it really ended up just being guac flavor followed by taco flavor followed by heat. And after 3, I was done. 
Gotta give these a C-, (C+ if you really like hot stuff). They taste quite a lot like taco, but the heat made them lose most of their good pretty fast. These were just too bold for their own good. 

-----------------------------------------

Next up was the BBQ Seasoned Chicken Rolls, which again, I don't understand. Is it chicken seasoned with BBQ? Or is it just chicken and BBQ sauce like the bag says? Totino- you need to get someone to edit your shit.

Anyway, I was assuming these would be bad, but at the same time, I was a little excited. What if these were like tiny little BBQ chicken calzone bites? Could I have a cheaper, microwaveable version of one of my favorite things in the world?

mmmmmmmmm

The smell from the microwave told me that yes, I could. 

The inside told me that yes, I could. Sauce, chicken, cheese. Yes!


No. 

When you have a snack where you can't really ever taste cheese or meat, you live and die by the sauce. Seriously, I'd estimate the flavor percentages of a Totino's pizza roll is probably something like this: 

2% cheese
4% meat 
15% crust goo
79% sauce

When a snack's worth is determined almost exclusively by their sauce, that sauce had sure has heckfire be on point. And this wasn't. This sauce is initially very sweet and almost convincing as a good sauce, then the sweetness hits a really odd level of fake, candy-like, what-the-hell-kind-of-BBQ-sauce is this bad, then, after I swallowed the roll, turned into the only taste I should expect from these BOLD rolls by now- heat. 

tastes like burning

After only a few, I was disappointed and done. 
D

I've now tried 4 Totino's BOLD flavors (others here), and none got better than a C-.
So I had to ceremoniously take off my tough guy bandanna, turn my mean mug into a wimpy scared face, and surrender to Totino. They just proved to be too bold for me.

TOO BOLD

And when I say they were too bold, I want you to go ahead and take the O and L and turn them into an A. Yea, that spells BAD.


I reviewed Totino's venture into other flavors way back, and they didn't fare too well either. Really, the only one that stood out (that they should keep making) were the Cheesy Garlic rolls. I feel like Totino's is that band you used to love who put out an incredible debut album, a really good but not quite as good follow up, and has been searching for that magic ever since, putting out garbage upon garbage, trying new things one day, then blatantly trying and failing to recapture their sound from 10 years ago the next. And in the end, all you remember them for or care about is that first album and the one or 2 after it. And yet they keep on going, always disappointing you. 
Thanks for trying, Totino's, but I'm gonna go listen to your first album (cheese). 

-review by Mike


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