Monday, November 4, 2019

Ben & Jerry's Minter Wonderland

 Well it's been a long time eh?  Fuck it! Let's just review some food shall we?

If you have a girlfriend who likes to walk up and down every single aisle of your local Target like I do, you know that burning hot ember of rage that fills inside you, that then twists into agony, your eyes darting back and forth hoping that the next aisle has something you can stab into your own face and end the suffering once and for all. Well I'm here to inform you fellow occupants of hell, there's something located in the freezer aisle that, hopefully, will douse that all consuming rage, and will sooth your soul from that 666 mile journey,  just a little bit.


 As a long time lover of mint anything, I shrieked when I gazed upon this Target exclusive. I was pretty excited to peel off that horseshit wrapping they tie up pints of B&J's in, so after a few minutes of trying with my hands, I took out the trusty pocketknife and revealed this.


Now looking at this, and thinking of what your classically favorite ice creams look like, you're probably





But rest easy my friends, what this ice cream lacks with it's visual austerity, it makes up for with its giant taste. Within the black maw of what seemingly is an empty void of flavor, ribbons of marshmallow flow throughout the cosmic ecosystem of chocolate, weaving in between giant black ribbons of chocolate cookie flavor waves, surfed by your silver spoon, searching through this place to appease your giant, world devouring hunger.





This ice cream is stellar, and as you can see, it doesn't have the hype of needing 8000 other candies and treats to be smashed up within it, it doesn't need some boomer enticing name of a failing late night talk show or a band no one really likes to sell this. The foundation on which this ice cream is built is so solid, you could build a home on it and expect it to last for generations of nuclear attacks.  I'm very pleased to have tried this, and I will definitely pick another pint or 3 up if I can somehow figure out how to survive another 5 hour Target trip without bashing my brains on the seasonal aisle floor.

I give Ben & Jerry's Minter Wonderland an
A+ 
for giving us working men an ice cream to sit back, 
kick our feet up, and watch exposed breasts on HBO 
before it's time to go to bed. 



Review by Josh

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Thursday, April 13, 2017

Peeps Oreo cookies!

An interesting thing happened the other day as I strolled in to one of my local grocery stores. Before I even made it through the door there was a massive OREO cookie display. The thing looked like they probably used a cool grand in cardboard to make it. An Oreo castle, peppered with little shelves here and there to display packages of original Oreo's. Boring right? 
But then, in the very middle of this display there two meager facings of an Oreo cookie that probably never should have been made. But my friends...they made it. 

...Why, Nabisco? WHY?

Yes, that's right. Oreo went and decided to give us a present this Easter, by mimicking a classic Easter candy treat. One that, to my knowledge, I have never met anyone who likes. Seriously. Think about it. You've probably eaten a Peep or two in your day, right? But I bet you never bought them. I bet your Mother or Grandmother put them in an Easter basket for you, and when you finally had finished all of the good candy, you would turn your sad gaze upon that box of sad little sugar birds.
Or perhaps your friends told you when you were a tot, that if you put them in the microwave, they explode like Tetsuo at the end of Akira...



When you rip the bag open your nose is instantly assaulted by the unmistakable sweet marshmallow scent. These definitely smell like Peeps. Whatever poison they add to a Peep to make it a Peep? These Oreo's have it. Perhaps that's tied into their color too. For, you see, these cookies have the brightest pink creme you have ever seen in your life, guaranteed. It's a shade of pink so vibrant that it almost hurts your eyes to look at it.



If you've heard anything about these cookies so far, it's most likely about the color. Or, at least a certain common side effect to eating them. The first few people I talked to about them all asked me the same thing. But hey, we're talking cookies, we don't want to mix in bathroom talk. But for those of you wondering if these maybe change your poop pink if you eat a bunch? Here's your answer:


But the real question, as always, is do they TASTE like Peeps? The quick answer, is hell yes. They honestly do. At first bite I thought they reminded me a lot of the Marshmallow Crispy Oreos from a couple years back. Very similar flavor!


But where those had tiny rice crispies in them to give you that familiar crunch, the Peeps Oreo's have big sugar chunks for you to crunch up. It works in two ways. One, it gives you another texture while eating them, which is always fun. But the sugar also is a throwback to how the Peeps have that strange sugary skin protecting their marshmallow guts from the outside world. They really do nail the flavor, but it seems like a slightly different marshmallow. So when paired with the cookie and the sugar crunch, you get a pretty interesting cookie!

SO BRIGHT!

There is a down side though! Most people like to twist the Oreo open and eat the creme first. Let me tell you, with these cookies, that is a mistake. I found that without the cookie to reign it in a little bit, the creme alone sort of tastes like poison. Sweet, sweet poison. Is it the abundance of food coloring? Some kind of witchcraft? Who knows. All I do know is that when I ate that creme alone, I almost spit it out! So that definitely takes these cookies down a notch, but keep them together and it shouldn't be a problem.


While I always applaud Nabisco for trying wild new flavors of Oreo, I have to say, this is one that I'll be glad isn't going to be on the shelves too long. I found them to actually be pretty tasty, when it came down to it, but I probably wouldn't get another bag. They did remind me of the Marshmallow Crispy Oreos, but the threat of the creme tasting like poison when eaten alone did knock them down the ladder a few rungs. Peeps just aren't good. Peep Oreos? Way better than just Peeps. But they are still Oreo's made to taste like THE worst Easter candy.

I give Peeps Oreo Cookies a solid C+. Worth a one time buy just for the gimmick, especially if you break them out on Easter Sunday, but you most likely wouldn't buy them again on your next trip to the supermarket.



Review by Rich Brunelle, currently writing out of sweltering New Hampshire. 86 Degrees in April. Ridiculous.

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Wednesday, March 8, 2017

BK: NEW Crispy Chicken Sandwich, Jalapeno Chicken Fries & BBQ Bacon King


Sl33zy here, the defacto unofficial Burger King correspondent for the Fatguyfoodblog. I've been going back on forth on BK's fare for about a year now, and we've had a bit of a roller coaster relationship recently- and not like a fun roller coaster at Six Flags but more like an old, creaky wooden one where you're too afraid of it suddenly collapsing to have any fun. Last time I was there, I had mighty low expectations for the Whopperito, which honestly ended up being the best fast food item I've reviewed for this blog. But don't you think for a hot second I'm going in there and expecting a fluke like that to happen again. 

At the time I wrote that review, I was still basking in the afterglow of the Whopperito's deliciousness. However, now I have to reread the review just to believe it actually happened- it's like a dream I had while dozing off in the hot sun with a sombrero tipped over my eyes on the side of a busy interstate. It appears I've been burned by BK so many times, even after a 10/10 experience, they still couldn't salvage their reputation with me. Honestly, if it wasn't for this blog, I'd probably be okay with never setting foot in old BK again.

But they just seem to keep cranking out new shit, and I've got a blog to write. So true to the old FGFB motto, time to spend my hard-earned cashola on the latest and probably-not greatest so you don't have to!

Because of sharing this blog on my Facebook page and the blog itself being powered by Google, I'm constantly barraged with aggressive fast food marketing in my news feed- so I went in expecting to try the new Bacon King sandwich and the slightly less new Jalapeno Chicken Fries. I didn't know that the very same day BK was rolling out a new Crispy Chicken Sandwich.


i made this in paint
Was it fortune that had brought me there on this special day... or hubris? 


this was like $20...
To be honest, chicken sandwiches really ain't my game. As I've mentioned recently, the point is lost on me. If you're going to bread and then fry chicken why bother putting it on more bread? A dipping sauce would suffice just fine here. Meal complete and assumably a job well done. But for some reason, somebody at some point said, "Nah man, there's simply not enough bread here. The surface area of a chicken tender does not accurately represent my passion for bleached flour. When eating chicken tenders I prefer my bread to chicken ratio to be at least 1 to 1. For every chicken morsel I consume, it must be fully padded in wheat." Well, whatever, I've been watching the Pengest Munch on YouTube recently; that dude seems to have his shit together and he gets one every time... Maybe there's just some textural element I'm missing here.

But I'll tell you exactly what textural element I'm not missing: rubber! Which is exactly how I'd describe this chicken sandwich- QUITE RUBBERY. In fact, if I had dropped the thing as I rightly should have, no doubt it'd still be ricocheting around the restaurant. For real, this chicken patty crunched in a disturbing way. My bites were almost kind of snapping off, like eating some kind of microwaved chicken jerky. Although the texture was unpleasant, the taste is about what I was expecting: a routine conjuncture of chicken, bread and mayonnaise; the taste that I imagine one who enjoys fast food chicken sandwiches looks for in a fast food chicken sandwich. Probably not that texture tho. 


fresh out the wrapper
Holy shit- if this is the NEW chicken sandwich what the fuck was wrong with the old one?!

The future of this meal looked grim, but nonetheless I moved on to the Jalapeno Chicken Fries (aw, how brave of me.) 


yo this box can hold at least ten more chicken fries
These were good- the straw-like shape of them offered an extra crunch and would've made them better to dip, if I were offered any dipping sauces. They were a little greasy and some were oddly shaped, but they tasted so much better than the chicken sandwich I was grateful. However, with "Jalapeno" in the name, I was expecting a bit of a kick, but the spice game here was weak. If it weren't for the bits of green on the outside, I'd assume there had been a mix-up.


yum


did you hear chicken fries are legal in MA now?
After consuming these oddities, the BBQ Bacon King by contrast was much too familiar. Firstly, the amount of bacon included on this sandwich warrants a name more like "Bacon Jester". So with that being the case, I can't really even figure out why this sandwich exists- BK already had a bacon cheeseburger, and it was just okay. Unfortunately, the same could be said of this one- but with a boisterous enough name to immediately dash my hopes.  


god I hope that was mayo
And so, I was right to keep my expectations low. Even though the "Jalapeno" Chicken Fries were good, they didn't even come close to Whopperito level, or even enough to make up for the awful chicken sandwich or average BBQ Bacon King. 

New Chicken Sandwich: D.
Jalapeno Chicken Fries: B-.
BBQ Bacon King: C+.


Review by sl33zy

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Friday, February 24, 2017

Raising Cane's


Ask any BU student where to get the best chicken fingers around- most of them will tell you Raising Cane’s right here in Allston, and the ones that don’t are probably being conscious of their consistently long lines. It’s a unique spot both in name and location- of their ~311 restaurants, this is the only one north of Ohio, which by contrast has 8. (For those curious about the name, I urge you to dismiss that curiosity. I’ve read the whole story and it kind of explains it but not really.)



What I find most interesting about Raising Cane’s is that they sell chicken tenders- only chicken tenders, aside from coleslaw, fries, and texas toast. (OK, technically, they have a chicken sandwich where they put the tenders on a bun with lettuce and sauce.) But how, exactly, does that business model thrive in 2017- a time when dietary restricted consumers are catered to at almost every major restaurant? Since I’m no businessman, I’ll go with Occam’s razor; they just sell really tasty chicken tenders.


Personally, the limited menu makes my job super easy as a reviewer- order any combo and that’s it, really. The combos are all 2, 3, 4, or 6 pc fingers with sauce, coleslaw, fries, Texas toast and a fountain drink.


Let me begin with the Texas toast. THIS IS A GRILLED HOT DOG BUN WITHOUT THE SPLIT IN THE MIDDLE. A FARCE! I am truly outraged for the entire state of Texas (by the way, I’ve lived in New England my entire life and spent a grand total of maybe 4 hours in Texas during layovers). But how exactly does this qualify as Texas toast?! Look, someone really needs to explain this to me. Either Raising Cane’s needs to rename this menu item or I’m going into every bread isle in America, crossing out “Hot Dog Buns” on every package, and writing “Pre-Texas Toast” on all of them. That’s not how I want to spend the rest of this life. That would be quite silly. A petition would probably be more effective.

But what makes this even more mind-boggling, Texas boasts OVER 100 RAISING CANE’S LOCATIONS! How do these proud, strong, hard-working Americans allow this sham, this caricature to bear the name of their great state?! Again, I’m no Texpert, but if I ordered a Texas toast in Texas somebody damn well be handing me a fried loaf of bread! And I WILL SALUTE THEM.


And here's a funnier .gif from the days of myspace that's also Texas related!





...Anyway, that grilled bun tastes alright, though.


However, the coleslaw and fries are both truly unspectacular. Both items are in fact so average, for every character I’ve typed after that first sentence I become more and more indifferent to reality itself. If I continue to go on about them for even a few sentences more, I may disappear into the fabric of reality as though I’ve never existed. I’ve actually had to type this last bit with my knuckles, as my fingers have become ghostly and are passing right through the keyboard. 

PHEW! I reread my passionate rant about Texas toast and my fingers appear to have returned to normal. But I’ll tell you whose still got abnormal fingers- RAISING CANE’S! In fact, they’re paranormally delicious!

(Yeesh. After that bit, I’m tempted to go back and keep typing about the sides.)

But really, I’m only slightly exaggerating how good the chicken fingers are. Super tender, with a nice light breading. Honestly, for as long as I live close-by, I really see no reason to order chicken fingers anywhere else- unless maybe I’ve developed a wicked drug habit and only have enough spare change to order something off a kid’s menu somewhere. 



But, hey, who needs drugs when I have yet to introduce the REAL BULL OF THE RAISING CANE’S RODEO- ITS THE CANE’S SAUCE!

If you’ve read my posts before, you’ve probably realized by now I don’t play when it comes to quality condiments. And if you haven’t, and you don’t know my affection for condiments (which I affectionately abbreviate to condims): last night for dinner I had ketchup, mayonnaise, and relish with a side of hamburger. For real, son. I do that sometimes. One might say i'm condim cray!

But rightly so, when it comes to this Cane’s Sauce. It is a real chicken dipping masterpiece. And the folks at Raising Cane’s know it too- that’s why the RECIPE IS A SECRET! That’s right, a secret condiment recipe- who could even fathom such a thing?!

“Cane’s Sauce is tangy with a little bit of spice and full of flavor. We use our own proprietary blend of premium seasonings and spices in our Sauce and our Restaurant General Managers make a new batch every day in each Raising Cane’s kitchen. Our Sauce recipe is top secret and known only by our General Managers, who are sworn to secrecy (so don’t even ask).” -www.raisingcanes.com

Well, perhaps the full recipe is known only to GMs, but my superior, condiment-honed palate detected four major players: mayonnaise, ketchup, black pepper, and salt. Random Rachel at food.com backs me up; she claims to have discovered a close version of the recipe by looking at similar sauces at other restaurants and trial/error combos. Here’s her's: http://www.food.com/recipe/cane-sauce-for-dippin-chicken-233189. She writes for food.com so she probably knows her shit brah

So to wrap up this ramble: Raising Cane’s. Weird name, great chicken, awesome sauce, don’t expect anything from the sides. Altogether: a B+ joint for a quick meal, if you like chicken fingers. I’m also factoring in that the entire menu compromises of six items. Although that makes ordering easy, it makes the decision to actually go to RC’s a tough one, when you can get way more variety almost anywhere else.




Oh yeah I almost forgot- the drink. Might as well review the entire menu, right? Well, those Texas folks will be highly disappointed to know there's no Big Red here- only Pepsi products. Blech. COKE IS IT! 



Review by sl33zy

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Thursday, February 23, 2017

Thanks a LATTE! Dunkin Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop-Tarts



I tried to rip the box open then remembered I had to take blog pics
 Look what we got here! Judging by the title, you'd think I just slapped together some buzzwords to try and get you to click this link. Unlike members of the mainstream media, FGFB would never publish fake news. This is indeed what the world has come to:

Dunkin Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop Tarts.


Let's go on a journey.

Added little bonus dad jokes


ah yes, I don't think they changed the inner wrapper of these, ever....

little more crumbly than usual

up in dem guts

thats a flaky poptart


I have to say one thing about this, I think Pop Tarts constant need to try and come up with new and exciting flavors have finally led us here. We all grew up with the frostless brown sugar cinnamon, and witnessed the rise, and fall, of legendary flavors. I wanted S'Mores to be my favorite flavor, I really did, but for some reason they just coudn't get that weird chemical chocolate flavor to actually not feel weird inside your mouth. And now here we are, DD and PT finally coming together to deliver a pop tart that actually delivers on it's flavor promise. It tastes almost IDENTICAL to what a vanilla latte topped with a generous portion of whipped cream.


The coffee flavor was slight within this, it's there, but seeing as how Dunkin Donuts coffee barely has any coffee in it as well, they aren't lying to us. Still though, let's see if adding a little browb magic can kick these up a notch!





Missing puzzle piece found! That smooth, refreshing vanilla/marshmallow flavor with a little more coffee really seals the deal. I don't see Starbucks out there really giving people what they want!

As you can tell by the insane amount of pictures in this post, there wasn't much to say about these, except, they were excellent. So if you find yourself walking by a display, reach your swollen fleshy hand out, grab a box, rip it open with your weird round little teeth, and go to town!

I give Dunkin Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop Tarts an A. 


Review by Josh

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Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Chocolate Strawberry Oreos!



WHERE DOES IT END?!?!!?!
Oreo is like the flavor nymphomaniacs of the cookie world. You went in, gave it your all, and all of a sudden, Oreo peeks her head back into the room, grabs you by the mouth genitals and demands more!


Now I'm not sure what mouth genitals are, but whatever, we're a food blog, not a nerd science blog for dweebs. Let me tell you if you should spend your money on the newest offering from the team that has brought you such cookie greats like:


(I know we've reviewed more but that's all I could lazily dig up with the tags)


First off, and I'll never, EVER, let this go. Oreo has ditched the old WAY TOO MUCH packaging, to a less full, OH THIS IS GONE IN A DAY packaging. I'll always harp on this, but after years of the new direction, I don't think we're getting the old cookie count back.

You rip open one of these tiny, tiny, TINY, cookie packages, and the room automatically fills with a strong strawberry scent. We all know what the cookie part of the Oreo tastes like, that familiar chocolate helicarrier for various creme's. This creme?


DELICIOUS! It's strong, mouth filling strawberry flavor has all the hallmarks of a great cookie. Sweet and strawberry smooth. The rich creme washes over your tongue and the cookie crunching system delivers flavor to your entire mouth with it's ingenious cookie missile delivery bombardment. 


Since we're not a science blog for dickheads, but a bastion of information and freedom for the internet, we decided to investigate into this cookie further. We took our eye genitals and smeared them across this strawberry/choco creme landscape to see what we could discover. What made these so good? I took out the middle, the seemingly "strawberry" flavor globule, and tried that on it's own. TASTELESS. I attacked the rest of the chocolate colored cream and all I could taste was that same chocolate strawberry cream that made this cookie so delicious.


It seems Oreo has decided to give us the illusion of a strawberry center, and just packed their food science into only two thirds of this cookie. Now, would filling the entire cookie with that flavor have been too much? Are we to trust Oreo and let them decide how much flavor we want? I'm not sure, but so far, Oreo has delivered unto me more happy afternoons than I've had Christmas's mornings. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt on this one.

I give Chocolate Strawberry Oreo's a B+
Now I know, you're asking yourself with such a glowing review, why the lower grade?
Oreo has set the bar so high, they really need to do something to give us something absolutely crazy. A lot like Apple, they need to get to innovating, and give us something that really transcends the mouth pleasure scale. I know you have it in you Oreo, we've been here many times....





Review by Josh

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