New Doritos Jacked Test Flavors: 404, 855, 2653

Dear Doritos,

We all love trying new flavors of chips. In fact, this blog exists solely because of how much we like trying new flavors of things. But come on. For real. You're really gonna put out 3 new "test" flavors at the same time and put each in giant $2.50 bags (on sale) so I have to pay $7.50 to try 3 flavors that you're probably never gonna make again? I mean, we're all adults here. Let's be honest with each other. There's no way you're gonna make any of these. Have you ever made a test flavor into a legit, regular flavor? Yea, I didn't think so. You just want that quick $7.50 in curiosity money, then after a few weeks, these chips will disappear from the shelves forever, lasting only on food blogs and in the memories of people who had extra cash and hate money enough to try gimmick chips. If you were cool, you'd put 3 small bags of these in 1 big bag for $2.50 and you'd call them "3 Random Flavors We'll Never Make Again." But nope. You're not cool. You think Canada is the only country deserving of your long-forgotten-in-the-US BBQ or the absolutely fantastic Jalapeno Cheddar chips, and you'd rather get publicity in the US for making up random flavors than giving people what they want. And here I am, giving you that very publicity. Eat my shorts.

Sincerely, Mike

So anyway, as a food explorer and member of this almighty blog- bitterness aside, I had to try these chips. You probably shouldn't. Let's do it!

Test Flavor 404:

The smell of these kind of reminds me of the All Dressed chips Humpty Dumpty makes and Ruffles only has in Canada- that tangy, somewhat sour vinegary smell.

They're orangey brown, and they don't look appetizing.

they're also the size of my hand

These change flavor a lot. Initially, they taste like an oniony vinegar, then they kind of taste like what I imagine dry cat food tastes like, then they have an almost sweet tomato hint to them, then they taste like cardboard, then they taste kind of spicy, but not BBQ-hot spicy- instead, it's that chemical-like, almost wasabi-like sour spice. I honestly don't know what the hell I'm eating. Looking at the ingredients list, I see brown sugar, onion powder, garlic powder, lime juice solids (how is a juice solid?!) and orange juice solids. So these are onion and garlic brown sugar lime orange juice chips? Oh cool. Just what I've always wanted. I read somewhere that these may be an attempt at some sort of sweet onion Doritos, but although I'm no food scientist, I'm pretty sure sweet onion doesn't involve lime and orange juice. The more I type and the more I unfortunately eat, I'm noticing how strong the lime sting is at the end of these. Ughk.

the face of happiness

These suck, but at least you made my job easier, Doritos. F For Four 0 Four error.

------------------------------------------------------------

Stupid Test Flavor 855:

As expected, the bag is red for a reason. The chips are so red, they practically glow.

not shopped

Biting into these gigantic chips, and... BIG SHOCK! They're hot!

I'm not sure what these are supposed to be other than hot. As Doritos has put out just short of a billion flavors of chips that are hot, I think the only thing that might be different about these is a slight cheesy sour cream flavor I got at the beginning of my chewing journey. I almost think cream cheese, but sour cream is listed as an ingredient (along with everything hot you can think of). So maybe these are hot sauce and sour cream? Honestly, not a bad flavor idea, but in typical Doritos fashion, they're too hot to really enjoy unless you're one of those people who likes hot stuff enough that all your taste buds are melted off. These are the only ones I could see lasting of the 3, but the weird almost-too-creamy initial taste and some sort of milky aftertaste is pretty weird.

real mouth-too-hot drool

I'll give these a C, but only if you like hot chips. These create quite the burn after a few chips. For anyone else, steer clear.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Bullshit Test Flavor 2653:

First off, am I supposed to believe that this is the 2,653rd flavor Doritos has created? Come on.

These bother me. They look wrong, and honestly, they smell like Irwin. Chips shouldn't smell like dogs.

WEEZ CHIPS

Check out the up close:

Right away, I taste chocolate, then maybe... maple? Apparently Doritos is trying out some sort of a dessert corn chip? I'm trying to not throw up.

so confused right now

I could see some (weird) people liking these, but their smell and the confusion of bad corn chips mixed with chocolate and other weird ingredients is honestly bothering me a little bit. Also, I ate these after the other ones, but I swear I'm getting a spice from these too. Spicy chocolate? COME ON.

Looking at the ingredients, a few stand out: brown sugar, chocolate liquor, cocoa powder, skim milk (!?), garlic and onion powder again, paprika, chipotle chilli flavor (?!) and "bacon type flavor and natural smoke flavor." Soooooo... yea. Chocolate and sweet stuff mixed with bacon flavor, garlic, onion, paprika and chipotle. Now that I know those ingredients, these should actually be WAY worse than they are. I had a hard time eating many of these- the initial milky chocolate rush is almost not entirely disgusting, but the over-the-top corn crunch and the absolutely atrocious milky-while-spicy aftertaste is horrifying. I feel sick even describing these.

F.

I should fully disclose that I don't like Doritos Jacked chips very much. I tend to like thinner chips that can get nice and greasy and I can eat 4-10 of at a time. Even if I want a nice thick potato chip like Ruffles, I'm only gonna buy brands where the flavor sprinkled on the chips overrides the potato/corn flavor. Doritos Jacked is both more flavor (and honestly too much in most cases), and WAY more chip. The chips are just too big and too thick. I don't know anyone who eats chips and says "MAN, I WISH THESE WERE HARDER TO EAT!"
But even still, I've mostly enjoyed some of them. These, other than the hot ones, are pretty hard to like. If you can find the blue ones in a 99 cent bag, you should get them just for the experience of confusing your mouth. Otherwise, stay away.
They do have a contest though- go to boldflavorexperiment.com and vote on the one that doesn't make you throw up. You can win big money dollahs. I wish it was a contest to name them, cuz I already have a few ideas:

-review by Mike