While I'm someone who almost never eats breakfast and just as often goes to Taco Bell, I was still pretty psyched to attack an entire menu of items Taco Bell rolled out in April of this year, when they decided to join the ranks of the fast food heavies in the breakfast pool. I wrote 2 lengthy reviews, and although the reviews were mixed, enough was good that it made my 4 trips across 2 weeks worth it. So I'd be damned if I was gonna let another one of these jabronis review their new items. THAT'S ON ME, DOGG.
I only knew of one new item- the Country Crunchwrap (say that 4 times fast- it blew my mind how quickly I was saying a certain 4 letter C word completely by accident), but once I looked up the info on it, I was psyched to see 4 other new items: the Country Grilled Breakfast Burrito, California AM Crunchwrap, Grande Scrambler Burrito, and Fiesta Potato Grilled Breakfast Burrito.
I dragged myself to my car and drove to Taco Bell, straight to the drive-thru nobody was at, and quickly saw that there were no breakfast items.
"Um... do you guys still do breakfast?"
"Did I miss it, or do you just not do breakfast anymore here?""Yea, no breakfast."
Yea, so the Taco Bell I go to, which is in a very populated area right in the middle of the city (Four Corners in Woburn, MA) has stopped doing breakfast. Not a good sign.
I visited the one in Somersworth, NH a few days later, and drove straight to the drive-thru nobody was at, and luckily was able to order all 5 items. Booyah achieved.
I started with the item I had heard of before:
This was the same standard Crunchwrap deal, but with a country gravy instead of their creamy jalapeno sauce. As I finished ordering, I was kind of sad that I'd be eating gravy instead of that jalapeno sauce I loved so much. I love gravy, but I'm kind of a gravy purist- I really only like it on Thanksgiving stuff or poutine. I've never really done the whole country fried steak thing or had gravy on breakfast.
Well, good thing I wasn't too psyched about this, because the genius at the drive-thru decided to order me a standard AM Crunchwrap instead of the country one.
I guess I'll have to go out to breakfast again. Awesome.
Next up was the:
I don't know when the whole "if something has guacamole in it, it's Californian" thing started (ok, I just looked it up- someone on yahoo answers says that 95% of avacados come from California. I'll choose to believe that).
This guy is hash brown, bacon, egg, cheese, guac, and "freshly prepared" pico de gallo. Sounds great to me.
And it was solid. But you'll notice that there's lots of egg, bacon, hash brown and guac, but where's that pico de gallo?
Ah, of course, it's missing. Why would Taco Bell actually make a menu item correctly? That'd be RIDICULOUS.
I'm a big fan of tomato, so I really missed what I imagined the flavor of this would be with pico de gallo in it. There were a few tiny pieces of tomato at the very end, and those bites were the best. But other than that, this was really pretty solid. The bacon wasn't overwhelming, and the guac really stood out. I almost would prefer all these flavors in a burrito because the hash brown felt a bit out of place, but this was still very good.
Next up was the other country item, the Country Grilled Breakfast Burrito.
I feel like that's a weird name for this. I feel like it's saying this was grilled in the country. Why not just "Country Breakfast Burrito"?
Anyway, this is exactly what it looks like- country gravy, home fries, cheese, eggs, and sausage (you can get it with other meats if you want).
It was ok. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but gravy and eggs were an odd combination to me. I mean, truthfully, the gravy overpowered most flavors (even the sausage), so this was kind of just a gravy-flavored goo tube. Every now and then, sausage flavor would kick in, but gravy was mostly what I tasted, and again, although I love gravy, I don't really want it for breakfast.
C (if you're like me)
B- (if you love gravy for breakfast)
Next up was the one item that screamed TACO BELL BREAKFAST to me- the Grande (why's there an e?) Scrambler Burrito, which I got with what they suggested, steak.
This could have been mixed up better, but this was generally pretty awesome. This is basically the one item Taco Bell should have had from the beginning: eggs, potatoes, steak, cheese, nacho cheese sauce, sour cream, and pico de gallo. In other words, a mess of goodness.
one of the most "actually looks like the promo picture" items in FGFB history
This was mixed poorly, in that the top had most of the sour cream, while the bottom was all nacho cheese, but this was still great. All the flavors mixed together wonderfully in a classic breakfast burrito mess. The nacho cheese and tomato made it feel Mexican, and there was a good amount of steak and egg to make it nice and hearty. It made me feel a bit gross, but that's how it would be with anything that has 2 sauces I guess. Still, I wouldn't mind some guac in here. Or maybe some chips for texture?!
And lastly, the Fiesta Potato Grilled Breakfast Burrito, or, what they call it, the Grilled Breakfast Burrito- Fiesta Potato.
I wasn't too psyched about this, as it's just home fries, egg, pico de gallo and nacho cheese. It says this is available with sausage or bacon too, but I'm not sure how to even order that. Plus, the picture was of the basic vegetarian (sort of) option, so that's what I went with.
AND DIDN'T GET.
yea, that's just egg, potato and cheese.
So this was understandably blah, and while I didn't spend a lot on these 5 items ($12.15), I was pretty pissed in general. I got 5 items, and the idiots at Taco Bell only got 3 right. Really, they only got 2.5 right, since there was basically the equivalent of 2 tomato squares in my California Crunchwrap.
So, in order to truly review the full Taco Bell breakfast menu, I'd have to go to Taco Bell again, and this time, because of work, I'd be reviewing items at 60 miles an hour.
probably should be going faster than that in the passing lane!
So I ordered the Fiesta potato burrito and stuttered my way through ordering the country crunch wrap (100% saying "cunt" this time, sorry drive-thru lady) and headed out. When I ordered the Country Am Crunchwrap, I didn't specify a meat, and she just said "ok." This worried me, but I was too tired to think about it and said "oh yea, with sausage," which she confusingly and awkwardly said "ok" to. Should I have checked to make sure everything was right or even had her read my order back? While that would have been smart, I chose to trust the drive thru lady. She couldn't get these items wrong twice, could she?
Of course she could. Why would someone working the drive thru at Taco Bell actually know what items they sold? Why would someone making the food actually know what ingredients are supposed to be in it?
This fiesta potato burrito was much MUCH better than the first, because they remembered the nacho cheese, and they remembered it in a big way.
But they forgot the pico de gallo, which again, was really missing from this. This was a great nacho cheese, egg and potato wrap, but that's not what I wanted. What do I rate the Fiesta Potato Grilled Burrito? I don't know. I'll give it a theoretical C+. I definitely need some meat. And tomatoes.
Next was the Country Crunchwrap again.
good thing traffic was backed up for 20 minutes- it gave me a nice still car to take pics in
I'm a very sarcastic, pessimistic person. As I took the wrapper out of the bag, I thought to myself, "there is NO WAY this is a Country Crunchwrap. And hey, if it isn't, sweet, I get to eat creamy jalapeno sauce."
I was listening to a podcast about how psychadelic experiences helped a dude be more open and free with his life, not questioning things so much, seeing things more positively, seeing challenges as small tests, and seeing negativity as just something small to get over- live a positive life and all will be good. And I thought that maybe I should believe that they got this right. Maybe I should be positive and the universe will reward me. Then I thought, "yea, all positivity and hope aside, there is no way this idiot got this order right. NO WAY."
You see any gravy in there? Yea, me neither. Do you see creamy jalapeno sauce? Probably not, but it was there. Cuz this is just a regular sausage Crunchwrap. GODDAMN YOU TACO BELL. GODDAMN YOU TO HELL.
I rate the Country AM Crunchwrap: I WILL NEVER KNOW. 3 tries is all you get Taco Bell. THAT'S IT. I DON'T EVEN WANT IT ANYMORE.
I get that I can be demanding or harsh. Fast food places aren't known for sending batches of rocket scientists straight from the fryolator to NASA. And maybe the drive-thru lady didn't understand me perfectly. Maybe it was her first week on the job (it's not, she's been there forever). Maybe she's going through something in her life and I should be more sympathetic.
Or maybe Taco Bell shouldn't suck so much.
I've said this before on this blog, but I'm saying it again- the first time I ever went to a Taco Bell, I asked for a side of salsa. I realize now that they don't really even have salsa there, but I didn't know that at the time. I figured a Mexican restaurant (even a fast food one) would have salsa, or at least be able to give me pico de gallo and fool my unlearned young white mind. But no, the chick stared at me in full braindead zombie mode and stuttered out, "ketchup?" I had to get a manager to find out if they had salsa or not. A GODDAMNED MANAGER. FOR SALSA AT A MEXICAN PLACE.
Years later, I'd go periodically, and they messed up my order periodically.
And now, to try 5 items, it would take 3 trips across 2 Taco Bells to still not get to try 5 items. How many more trips would it take? 1? 4? 100?
I submitted a complaint online, but I'm sure that will do about as good as the complaint I sent in about the salsa incident (I was completely ignored).
Oh well. Taco Bell should pay The Rolling Stones a massive sum to change their slogan to "You can't always get what you want." Sorry, it would have to be: "Taco Bell: No siempre se puede conseguir lo que quieres."
California AM Crunchwrap: B+
Country Grilled Breakfast Burrito: C
Grande Scrambler Burrito: A
Fiesta Potato Grilled Breakfast Burrito: Theoretical C+
Country AM Crunchwrap: Maybe you can tell me?
-review by Mike
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