Monday, November 4, 2019

Ben & Jerry's Minter Wonderland

 Well it's been a long time eh?  Fuck it! Let's just review some food shall we?

If you have a girlfriend who likes to walk up and down every single aisle of your local Target like I do, you know that burning hot ember of rage that fills inside you, that then twists into agony, your eyes darting back and forth hoping that the next aisle has something you can stab into your own face and end the suffering once and for all. Well I'm here to inform you fellow occupants of hell, there's something located in the freezer aisle that, hopefully, will douse that all consuming rage, and will sooth your soul from that 666 mile journey,  just a little bit.

 As a long time lover of mint anything, I shrieked when I gazed upon this Target exclusive. I was pretty excited to peel off that horseshit wrapping they tie up pints of B&J's in, so after a few minutes of trying with my hands, I took out the trusty pocketknife and revealed this.

Now looking at this, and thinking of what your classically favorite ice creams look like, you're probably

But rest easy my friends, what this ice cream lacks with it's visual austerity, it makes up for with its giant taste. Within the black maw of what seemingly is an empty void of flavor, ribbons of marshmallow flow throughout the cosmic ecosystem of chocolate, weaving in between giant black ribbons of chocolate cookie flavor waves, surfed by your silver spoon, searching through this place to appease your giant, world devouring hunger.

This ice cream is stellar, and as you can see, it doesn't have the hype of needing 8000 other candies and treats to be smashed up within it, it doesn't need some boomer enticing name of a failing late night talk show or a band no one really likes to sell this. The foundation on which this ice cream is built is so solid, you could build a home on it and expect it to last for generations of nuclear attacks.  I'm very pleased to have tried this, and I will definitely pick another pint or 3 up if I can somehow figure out how to survive another 5 hour Target trip without bashing my brains on the seasonal aisle floor.

I give Ben & Jerry's Minter Wonderland an
for giving us working men an ice cream to sit back, 
kick our feet up, and watch exposed breasts on HBO 
before it's time to go to bed. 

Review by Josh

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