Wednesday, April 30, 2014

New Doritos Jacked Test Flavors: 404, 855, 2653

Dear Doritos,

We all love trying new flavors of chips. In fact, this blog exists solely because of how much we like trying new flavors of things. But come on. For real. You're really gonna put out 3 new "test" flavors at the same time and put each in giant $2.50 bags (on sale) so I have to pay $7.50 to try 3 flavors that you're probably never gonna make again? I mean, we're all adults here. Let's be honest with each other. There's no way you're gonna make any of these. Have you ever made a test flavor into a legit, regular flavor? Yea, I didn't think so. You just want that quick $7.50 in curiosity money, then after a few weeks, these chips will disappear from the shelves forever, lasting only on food blogs and in the memories of people who had extra cash and hate money enough to try gimmick chips. If you were cool, you'd put 3 small bags of these in 1 big bag for $2.50 and you'd call them "3 Random Flavors We'll Never Make Again." But nope. You're not cool. You think Canada is the only country deserving of your long-forgotten-in-the-US BBQ or the absolutely fantastic Jalapeno Cheddar chips, and you'd rather get publicity in the US for making up random flavors than giving people what they want. And here I am, giving you that very publicity. Eat my shorts.

Sincerely, Mike

So anyway, as a food explorer and member of this almighty blog- bitterness aside, I had to try these chips. You probably shouldn't. Let's do it!

Test Flavor 404:

The smell of these kind of reminds me of the All Dressed chips Humpty Dumpty makes and Ruffles only has in Canada- that tangy, somewhat sour vinegary smell.

They're orangey brown, and they don't look appetizing.

they're also the size of my hand

These change flavor a lot. Initially, they taste like an oniony vinegar, then they kind of taste like what I imagine dry cat food tastes like, then they have an almost sweet tomato hint to them, then they taste like cardboard, then they taste kind of spicy, but not BBQ-hot spicy- instead, it's that chemical-like, almost wasabi-like sour spice. I honestly don't know what the hell I'm eating. Looking at the ingredients list, I see brown sugar, onion powder, garlic powder, lime juice solids (how is a juice solid?!) and orange juice solids. So these are onion and garlic brown sugar lime orange juice chips? Oh cool. Just what I've always wanted. I read somewhere that these may be an attempt at some sort of sweet onion Doritos, but although I'm no food scientist, I'm pretty sure sweet onion doesn't involve lime and orange juice. The more I type and the more I unfortunately eat, I'm noticing how strong the lime sting is at the end of these. Ughk.

the face of happiness

These suck, but at least you made my job easier, Doritos. F For Four 0 Four error.


Stupid Test Flavor 855:

As expected, the bag is red for a reason. The chips are so red, they practically glow.

not shopped

Biting into these gigantic chips, and... BIG SHOCK! They're hot!

I'm not sure what these are supposed to be other than hot. As Doritos has put out just short of a billion flavors of chips that are hot, I think the only thing that might be different about these is a slight cheesy sour cream flavor I got at the beginning of my chewing journey. I almost think cream cheese, but sour cream is listed as an ingredient (along with everything hot you can think of). So maybe these are hot sauce and sour cream? Honestly, not a bad flavor idea, but in typical Doritos fashion, they're too hot to really enjoy unless you're one of those people who likes hot stuff enough that all your taste buds are melted off. These are the only ones I could see lasting of the 3, but the weird almost-too-creamy initial taste and some sort of milky aftertaste is pretty weird.

real mouth-too-hot drool

I'll give these a C, but only if you like hot chips. These create quite the burn after a few chips. For anyone else, steer clear.


Bullshit Test Flavor 2653:

First off, am I supposed to believe that this is the 2,653rd flavor Doritos has created? Come on.

These bother me. They look wrong, and honestly, they smell like Irwin. Chips shouldn't smell like dogs.


Check out the up close:

Right away, I taste chocolate, then maybe... maple? Apparently Doritos is trying out some sort of a dessert corn chip? I'm trying to not throw up.

so confused right now

I could see some (weird) people liking these, but their smell and the confusion of bad corn chips mixed with chocolate and other weird ingredients is honestly bothering me a little bit. Also, I ate these after the other ones, but I swear I'm getting a spice from these too. Spicy chocolate? COME ON.

Looking at the ingredients, a few stand out: brown sugar, chocolate liquor, cocoa powder, skim milk (!?), garlic and onion powder again, paprika, chipotle chilli flavor (?!) and "bacon type flavor and natural smoke flavor." Soooooo... yea. Chocolate and sweet stuff mixed with bacon flavor, garlic, onion, paprika and chipotle. Now that I know those ingredients, these should actually be WAY worse than they are. I had a hard time eating many of these- the initial milky chocolate rush is almost not entirely disgusting, but the over-the-top corn crunch and the absolutely atrocious milky-while-spicy aftertaste is horrifying. I feel sick even describing these.


I should fully disclose that I don't like Doritos Jacked chips very much. I tend to like thinner chips that can get nice and greasy and I can eat 4-10 of at a time. Even if I want a nice thick potato chip like Ruffles, I'm only gonna buy brands where the flavor sprinkled on the chips overrides the potato/corn flavor. Doritos Jacked is both more flavor (and honestly too much in most cases), and WAY more chip. The chips are just too big and too thick. I don't know anyone who eats chips and says "MAN, I WISH THESE WERE HARDER TO EAT!"
But even still, I've mostly enjoyed some of them. These, other than the hot ones, are pretty hard to like. If you can find the blue ones in a 99 cent bag, you should get them just for the experience of confusing your mouth. Otherwise, stay away.
They do have a contest though- go to and vote on the one that doesn't make you throw up. You can win big money dollahs. I wish it was a contest to name them, cuz I already have a few ideas:

-review by Mike

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

ALL ABOOOOARD! The Unholy Burger: Trains of Maine

There's always rumblings about local burger joints, you hear this, you hear that, everyone and their mother wants to tell you where the best burger in town is. Well, if you happen to be in or around Lebanon, Maine, I've got the place for you.

I met one of the cooks one night, he went and told me about their burger selection over at Trains, a small bar nestled in the back of a gas station off of a highway. At first I was like "yeah yeah of course it's good." with a look of non excitement on my face and a little bit of aversion seeing as how I couldn't see how basically a gas station bar had real food. He then broke out in description of the very burger you're about to see reviewed. My ears perked, eyes twinkled, even pants began to tighten as he went into full description of how and what this burger was. We finished our convo and he left me with the impression that I needed to get down there and see what this place had to offer. So, the next weekend, I took the crew down to Trains.

We pulled into the gas station parking lot, looped around, and in the back was the entrance. We were informed by a sign on the door not to wear our colors, which I'm guessing is a good thing, other food reviewers don't want to set foot in our territory. Anyway, when you opened the door, the place opened up. A huge classic bar, large dining areas, a few games along the wall and some dimly lit seating but parts brightened up by the large open windows.

We ordered our food, and started with an appetizer of Mozzarella Sticks.


These were probably the best Moz Sticks I've had in my life. I know I know, they're Mozzarella Sticks and they're always good, but these, I even told the dudes I was going to make sure to mention these on the review. THICK as hell, you can tell they make them there and aren't frozen, and if for some reason they don't make them, don't tell me. I'd rather live this lie than know any other truth. When you go no matter what you do, get them and suck down the cheese out of it's crispy straw like a trapped survivor just finding jungle water.

The burger came, and I have to say, my eyes shot out of my head and hit a bullseye on the illuminated dartboard across the bar from me. I'm now blind and use voice recognition software to post this review. Parents, if you have children in the room, ask them to leave now, but you my dear reader. Prepare to have your vision permanently seared shut by the greatest burger you've ever pushed your squinty little pig eyes at, for beware:


A 1/2 Pound Black Angus Bacon Crusted Burger (bacon is used to form the pattie) with Salami, Pastrami, Pepperoni, Fried Jalapenos, Red Onions, Chipotle BBQ Sauce, Provolone, Swiss, and American Cheese.

Yep, you read right. This is the burger forbidden by the Bible. Much like wearing certain fabrics,  eating shellfish, kissing dudes butts, wearing gold, or using contraceptives, this burger will shoot you right into hell and into Satans dastardly arms. Is it worth it?


Quite honestly, this is the greatest burger I've ever tasted. I've been across the fattest country in the world multiple times, and Trains in Lebanon, Maine offers the absolute best burger you could wrap your lips around. LEMME TELL YA 'BOUT IT. First bite of this sinful behemoth, you get a flood of flavors. First thing that hits is the Pastrami, or maybe the Salami, in that mish mash of mouth pleasure it's hard to figure out which one is which because right behind it with a huge right hook is the pepperoni. Then right up behind that with a forearm smash is the bacon. Which I found odd, bacon being a supporting character in a cast for the this action packed summer movie blockbuster. Then, like Sly Stallone in The Expendables, there's the burger, carrying the weight of everyone else and just driving the point home that, yeah, you made a goddamn good choice.

The Jalepenos and Chipotle BBQ sauce added a little bit of heat to this guy, which you need in something so heavy and forboding. The sweetness of BBQ added another layer of flavor in between all of the meats, and the cheese, capped it all nicely in the back of your throat. The only criticism I might have, and I'll tell you, it's slight, is maybe slap another piece of cheese on there. I'm not sure how this would play with the flavor dynamic, but I could have used a little more cheese goo holding together all of these meat parts. I only mention it because, I'm so floored by this burger, it can't be perfect. BUT IT MIGHT BE.

I've only used this rating one other time, and it's for The La Festa Garlic Knot Pizza. Which if you live in NH and haven't gotten yet, stop reading this blog, we don't want you here. I think Trains has earned this, FGFB's highest honor. A burger that bucks thousands of years of papal oppression and lets a human being do what it does best, give its middle finger to the almighty creator and sin.

Trains: The Unholy Burger

 bravo. go to look at their menu and find out how to get there!

As always, feel free to drop us a line to tell us how awesome you think we are, or maybe to just alert us of a product we need to review. You can email us at But also follow us on Twitter! food news and mini-reviews. Then you can always LIKE our facebook page for even more FGFB fun. See you next week!

Friday, April 18, 2014

Fruit Punch AND Berry Oreos!

Since it's been about 8 minutes since those lunatics at Nabisco put out a new flavor of Oreos, it's time for another Oreo review! FATGUYOREOBLOG.

This time, it's Fruit Punch and Berry Oreos. First up, how about a nice um... fruit... punch?!

that was a Hawaiian Punch reference

So while we're all excited to try new Oreo flavors, I can't say any of us were too pumped about these when we found out about them. I love fruit punch just as much as the next guy- probably more- but do I want that flavor in a cookie? Probably not. 

Opening up the cookie revealed a florescent pink filling that smelled quite strongly of fruit punch.  

And that was for good reason. These taste exactly like fruit punch, mixed with the vanilla goodness of Golden Oreos. This makes for essentially a fruit punch-flavored sherbet cookie. Right when I put one in my mouth, it's fantastic, because the vanilla of the cookie tones down the filling a lot and makes for a nice fruit-vanilla sherbet combo. But as I started chewing, the power of the filling took over and it lost some of its appeal. The filling in these is quite strong- I wouldn't recommend eating this the eat-one-cookie-then-eat-all-the-frosting way unless you REALLY love fruit punch. It's so sweet and tangy, it almost stings. 

But after initially not really feeling like I was a fan of these, I ate more and I see the appeal now. No other cookie tastes like this, and as long as you're eating them the right way and love fruit punch, they're pretty good. Do I like these enough that I'm gonna cry when Oreo discontinues these before I even see them in the store again? No. Would I buy these from time to time if they stayed on the shelves? Probably not. But they're still pretty damn solid and Oreo deserves a high five for getting another flavor perfectly right. 

To truly test these though, I decided that if you dip a normal Oreo in milk, then what would you dip a Fruit Punch Oreo in? 

Fruit punch, obviously.

I went to 2 stores before I found Hawaiian punch, thinking these were Hawaiian Punch Oreos the whole time. Oops. 

Look at the punch avoid the cookie like oil from a fresh oil spill:

I left it in WAY too long.

This first attempt was a liquid cookie by the end of it. I tried again, and it surprisingly wasn't disgusting. The filling is so strong, I almost didn't notice the extra punch. It was just... wet. And easier to eat fast I guess.

But yea, don't do this. It's not worth it. They're better on their own. 

So to recap- Oreo got it right, but I'm not sure anyone was requesting this flavor. If you're a huge fruit punch fan, you have to try these. Otherwise, skip these and get some Marshmallow Crispy Oreos instead. These will be too strong for you. I'm gonna give these a C+. They're good, but not "Damn you for making these limited edition" good. 

Next up, Rich gets his grubby mitts on a package of...


After the initial excitement about finding a new flavor of Oreo I found myself pausing for a moment and realizing that these weren't called "Strawberry" or "Blueberry" Oreos. They are just... Berry. From looking at the package I'd have to guess they are talking about a combination of Strawberry and Raspberry, right? But it's weird that they didn't say it. Perhaps, Mixed Berry Oreos? I just feel kind of like Oreo isn't being honest with me about this. But, hell, they've never steered me wrong before, so let's dive in!

same old classic Oreo on the outside

Berry Oreos have a great fruity aroma when you crack the bag open. I'm usually not a huge fan of fruit flavoring in my Oreos, but I was coming into these with an open mind. I quickly dealt them out to the other guys around me, like a Vegas Blackjack card slinger, and bit one in half before closing that weird sticky film cookie package. Now, I'll tell you what, I tried the Fruit Punch Oreos right before I tried these. I thought they were way too strong. These? These are subtle at first. A nice faint fruit flavor, but then as you chew them up, all of a sudden you'll be hit with a tart berry burst. Almost like it was a time released flavor. It wasn't a fluke, I tried it with an entire row of these. Same deal every time.

Old bubblegum-colored frosting on the inside

Berry Oreos were quite good. The classic Oreo kinda-chocolate cookie goes really well with the sweet, tart berry flavors in the cream. These cookies aren't the greatest Oreos of all time and I'm sure we'll only have them on the shelves for a limited life span, but I would definitely recommend taking a break from your usual snack cookie to give these a try. This really did just make me realize that I hope someone at Oreo reads this blog because you know what? Here's the second time on Fatguyfoodblog where I'm calling for A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY OREO! For the love of all that is holy, make this happen, Nabisco! You make Peanut butter Oreos and you can clearly do a sweet fruit flavor Oreo. COMBINE THEM AND WIN! Win what? Everything. Every other cookie company might as well shut their damn doors after those come out. There might be six people on Earth who would eat a different cookie, just to pretend they like something other than everyone else. But they would be liars. Because EVERYONE WOULD LOVE THEM.
Hear my plea, Nabisco... hear it well. Make the Peanut Butter and Jelly Oreo... and they will come. 

Anyway, I give Berry Oreos a solid B+

Back to Mike- I agree completely with Rich on his review. The Berry Oreos won't get the press the Fruit Punch ones get, but they're the better cookie. They reminded me of those delicious raspberry or strawberry filled chocolates you only seem to get around Christmas, but a combination of both. In the interest of science, I decided to change their clothes- put the filling from Fruit Punch in a chocolate Oreo and the Berry filling in a Golden Oreo. 

Results were mixed. The chocolate fruit punch was just weird. The chocolate overpowered some of the Fruit Punch strength, but the flavors didn't really combine right. It was just confusing in my mouth. The Berry filling in a Golden Oreo worked perfectly though. I may have liked it more than with chocolate to be honest, but the Berry frosting was thick and impossible to scrape off the cookie, so I doubt I'll really put myself through the work of it again. Feel free to give it a try though, it's awesome. 

-Review by Mike and Rich

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Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Mcdonalds' New Bacon Clubhouse Burger

I couldn't decide what to eat for dinner last night. Then, after hours of heavy introspective thinking, decided it was time to honor the fans who requested we review this burger, and I headed out to Mcdonalds. The last few times I've hit up Mickey D's, the second I rolled down my window, I got hit with the super bored, I-want-to-kill-myself robotic question, "thankyouforcomingtomcdonaldswouldyouliketotryourbaconclubhouseburger" and I was psyched for once to be able to say "YES. YES I THINK I WOULD." And of course they didn't ask me. I would have made their day.

Anyway, I ordered it up and headed back to the house to take pictures and eat in the comfort of my home. Then I remembered that I had taken the house key off my keychain when I went for a walk earlier (yea, I know- a walk? come on). I quickly found out nobody would be home for about 40 minutes and I panicked. My phone was at 6%, I had nothing to drink, my food was already getting cold, and it was dark outside, meaning I couldn't really take decent pictures. I made the command decision to heat the burger up later, and I just drove around for awhile.

When I was finally let in, a trip for delicious burritos was presented, and I briefly contemplated accepting my fate of a burgerless night. Burritos would be delicious, but I had already spent money on a stupid burger that was probably now terrible, and even though I bought it for dinner, I mostly bought it for this here blog. I decided to take a bite of the burger as it was, and if it was good enough, I would heat it up in the microwave and eat it for dinner, realizing that of course it would probably be terrible, and I could use that as an excuse to just get a delicious burrito and cut my losses for the night.

I was wrong. Right away I knew that this burger was a delicious burger, and not only that- it showed so much promise that I knew in my heart of hearts that a reheating wouldn't take a thing away from it. So after 45 minutes of sitting in my cold car, I heated it up and tore in.

I opened the box to reveal the fakest looking bun I've ever seen (well maybe not). This looked like a squeak toy!


Opening it up, I saw pretty solid looking lettuce, a huge tomato slice (sliced in half for some reason), crisp applewood-smoked bacon, and delicious white cheddar cheese.

The bottom was a mess of caramelized onions and special sauce. 

And inside was beef that looked like... well, actual beef.

To recap: 

It's the ingredients that make it so tasty! (isn't that true of everything?)

And was it? Hell yea it was. Screw burritos- this reheated burger that was probably reheated before I even got it hit the spot big time. 

don't get confused by my massive hands, this is a full sized burger

I actually decided to get rid of the lettuce- both because it was distracting a little from everything else, and because my microwaving had rendered it pretty soggy. But the bacon was crisp and awesome and the tomato was very prevalent, which seems to be rare these days, and for someone who loves tomato like me, ruled. The rest kind of blended in with itself, for the most part. The burger was really good- surprisingly good actually, especially for McDonalds. It was really good meat- Five Guys might have to be worried. The cheese was there but kind of blended in, and the special sauce was awesome. On the box, it just says "special sauce," and while eating, I was wondering if it was a different version of Big Mac sauce. As someone who doesn't like pickles on burgers and doesn't like getting ripped off (come on, it's just a double cheeseburger with more bread), I never get Big Macs, so I couldn't tell- my guess was that it was the standard Big Mac sauce but without the 4 pounds of ground up pickles, and maybe even a cheese sauce added in. But according to Mcdonalds' website, it's just Big Mac sauce, which, as you all know, is their somewhat different take on Thousand Island dressing. Whatever it was, it was delicious. I felt it went extraordinarily well with the meat, cheese, tomato and roll, which had that buttered-bun flavor all the Wendy's burgers now have (which I normally don't like that much, but the sauce made it awesome). Also, this bun was just flat out really good.

And even better, there was a good amount of sauce on both sides of the bun. This burger was a mess, and that's how I like it. As someone who gets a side of sauce with nearly everything I eat (so I can dip), I didn't need that with this. FINALLY a burger has the right amount of sauce. 

My only complaint with this was the onions. I don't typically get onions on burgers, even if they're the kind that are cooked in caramel. But Mcdonalds has done a great job with these onions, on the retired and awesome CBO and on their great value menu item, the Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger (which I used for the greatest creation ever here). So I was psyched about these onions, and they just didn't really do it for me on this burg. The Big Mac sauce mixed with a really large tomato brought out an acidic tomato sweetness, and the onion was either not from a good batch, or that flavor just didn't really work with the other ingredients. The only time I noticed the onions was when my mouth was saying "why did they add onions to this? This doesn't need onions." I would have preferred this without them. I just feel like the different flavors would have worked together better. 

But the bottom line is, this is a great burger. All the ingredients on mine were fresh and awesome, and everything worked great together (other than the onions). Even reheated 45 minutes after it was fresh, I really don't have a bad thing to say about this. Mcdonalds has done a great job. And it's a quarter pound patty and I believe $4.75, so it's reasonably priced and a solid meal. 

I give this an A- and I expect you to go buy one. 

-review by Mike

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Thursday, April 3, 2014

Triple Cookie review! Chips Ahoy Ice Cream Creations!

Chips Ahoy has a pretty solid track record with the Fatguyfoodblog crew. We might not really care about the originals. I mean, sure they will do in a pinch, but who really sets out to buy a package of regular Chips Ahoy these days? Nobody I know. But when they do something new and limited edition? That's where they really shine. Hell, one of our most talked about reviews of all time came from them. Remember this one?

So when our readers started messaging us begging for a review of the new Chips Ahoy ICE CREAM CREATIONS line of cookies...well you know we started hitting the stores as soon as possible.

So let's get right to it! Starting with....
Chips Ahoy Ice Cream Creations: Dulce de Leche!

First thing you notice when you crack the bag open is a strong caramel smell. That was a good sign, strong smell usually means strong taste. But from the moment you pick one of these up you know it's all downhill from there. These cookies are hard as hell. They seem like a regular Chip's Ahoy hardness at first, until you hit the weird caramel areas. Then it becomes almost as if there's a large chunk of hard toffee infused into the middle of the thing. Taste-wise they aren't bad. They just seem like a hard toffee cookie that has an occasional sweet chip in it.

But you can see from the picture that they aren't bursting with chips like it shows on the bag. All in all I would say these aren't terrible if you don't mind a hard cookie. But overall, a bit of a disappointment. If you're a fan of caramel/toffee and hard cookies you might enjoy these a lot. But if you're looking for a cookie that won't crack your windshield if you pitch one at it...these probably aren't for you. I'm going to give them a C-.

Chips Ahoy Ice Cream Creations: Mint Chocolate Chip...

Now these cookies had me excited. In my old age, as my taste buds become more refined, I find myself enjoying the simpler things. While part of me still loves an ice cream loaded to the brim with candy and sweet goo, I have to say my favorite ice cream tends to be Mint Chocolate Chip. The king of mint chocolate chip ice cream in my opinion comes from New Englands own, Brighams. If you ever get a chance to try it, I highly, HIGHLY recommend it. But how did these cookies measure up? Well...They are pretty damn good! They are your standard soft, chocolate Chips Ahoy cookie, but with chocolate and mint chips. So there's an overwhelming chocolate flavor at all times that is suddenly interrupted with blast of sweet mint. 

I found that it was quite easy to eat an absurd amount of these. Partially because they were delicious and partially because they suffer from the age old problem that all Chips Ahoy cookies do...they are too small. But in the end, I really liked these and would have to say, if you are a mint/chocolate fan, you NEED these cookies. I'm giving them a solid B+!

And finally...
Chips Ahoy Ice Cream Creations: Root Beer Float.

There's no really nice way to say this so I'm just going to throw it out there. These cookies are gross. The second you rip open the bag you can smell root beer. But the weird part is, the second the smell hit my nose I knew that they weren't going to be good. It was unnatural. Some part of my brain started sending out alerts, letting me know that I shouldn't even try these. But...being a food blogger. I did my duty, and sweet mother of Christ were they gross. Root beer is not a flavor that should be infused into a cookie. That's the bottom line. These are an unholy abomination.

Don't get me wrong. They DO taste like Root Beer. They accomplished what they set out to do, they just shouldn't have done it. These cookies were so bad that I wondered if maybe it was just something weird with me. So I did an experiment over a few days and everyone who stopped by, I asked to try one. Out of 9 people, only 1 finished an entire cookie. The rest took one bite and threw the rest away. A couple of them even spit out that one bite.
So don't be surprised when I say these cookies get an F.
But it doesn't end there. They were so bad that we had to take it to the next level. Enjoy this video...

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See you next week!