Sunday, December 8, 2019

On a very special FGFB...

Previously, on FGFB....

home alone childhood GIF

It's the holidays: Christmas is just a couple of short weeks away, houses and streets are decorated, and there's a festive spirit in the air. This time of year always reminds me of being a kid... Christmas is definitely a children's holiday... and luckily (or begrudgingly) some of us never grow up.

christmas vacation GIF

Until we have to.

Things change: friends come and go, relatives pass away, significant others pack a bag and leave in the middle of the night like we won't notice (you'll be back Karen!)... and sometimes it can be very hard. And worse than all of those things:

My favorite donuts are going extinct!

shocked oh no GIF

Now, these are not some little powdered numbers you get at the 7-11 when you stop for gas on a long drive. Oh nay nay. These donuts are a STAPLE of not only my childhood, but the region that I grew up in.

cue the Wonder Years theme song...

Leavitt's Country Bakery... family owned and operated for 44 years. Sadly, will be closing their doors for good on February 29th, 2020. This is a devastating blow to the population of my home town of Conway, NH... and everyone else who was in-the-know when visiting town. All of my pilgrimages back home never felt complete until I got a Leavitt's donut (or a dozen).

Even to this day, Leavitt's Bakery is the only place I know where a dozen donuts is under $10. Sure, maybe Dunkin' Donuts is close in price, but not in quality, or size, or the love fried right in. And I mean unconditional love... not the fickle love of a cheating hussy named Karen.

Anyway, when I was living and working in Conway, I'd stop by every Saturday morning and get a dozen for me and my coworkers (especially that one piece of ass who looked like she'd never even smelled a carb in her life... she loved donuts).

donuts eating GIF by StyleHaul

Home of so many sweet treats, it'd be impossible to list them all and not leave someone's favorite out. Pies, cakes, fritters, and of course coffee and donuts. These confections have been on this green earth longer than the writer of this article; and are equally as doughy and sweet. I don't even think the aesthetic has changed in 40 years.

All I can say is that I'll sorely miss these sweet, chewy and caky (when they should be) homemade donuts. They've been as much a part of my life as anything has. They are perfect. I've tried donuts all over, everywhere I've traveled (see the FGFB review of NYC where I visited an artisan-hipster place called Dough, or in Chicago where I had an ice cream sandwich made with 2 glazed donuts)... nothing compares to Leavitt's Donuts... not even the ones my mother made in the fry daddy for me as a wee one.

And if that picture and my words aren't compelling enough, dig this, I posted a goodbye to Leavitt's Bakery on my own Instagram/ Facebook, and received more engagement, comments, reactions and reach than any other post I've ever created. My own simple tribute to a local family and their sugary gifts to the world sparked a revolution of love and sweet sadness for the loss of something so terrific. I just wish I could've done more.

The Leavitt's have done a lot for the community, beyond their family-owned business. They've touched so many people. And everyone who's tasted their goods is a life-long fan. Commenters stated they drive over an hour just for Leavitt's products. Everyone is saying the hard goodbye to a truly special business that will be missed more than they'll ever know. And as much as I admit they deserve their retirement, it's heartbreaking that there isn't a young relative to take the reigns and keep this one of a kind little shop in business.

good bye GIF

  These donuts get 5 stars, an A++, 10/10  

Leavitt's Country Bakery
564 White Mountain Hwy
Conway, NH 03818

Please, if you are in their area, stop by and pay your respects to the end of an era. And do yourself a real favor and purchase 30,000 calories worth of baked goods. You won't regret it. And all I can say to the Leavitt's is this...

sexy leonardo dicaprio GIF

Review by Dave

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Vegetarian Burgers? The Fat Guys Do The Impossible (Whopper)!

As many a fat guy are want to do nowadays, I've toyed with vegetarianism. I'm no spring chicken (man, I could wreck a bucket of spring chicken right now), and I'm sure I have the cholesterol of a much older gentleman. Though I do have a soft spot for animals, my interest in the diet change actually had more to do with being healthy.

fitness bunny GIF

Admittedly, it was hearing a post-heart attack Kevin Smith on the Joe Rogan podcast, that got me thinking. He stated that even after he gave up sugar and lost a ton of weight, that it wasn't enough to stop his cardiac scare, and he "at best, postponed it for some years". That the only way to really clear your arteries is to go meatless.

kevin smith dogma GIF

Face to face with the concept of my own mortality, I decided it was time to make a change... and being shunned by the other FGFB writers be damned! For about a month I cut out most sugars (excluding natural sugars, such as fruit), most grains (such as bread), and went meatless (save for one bomb ass turkey sandwich which will most likely be a review in the future). There was a noticeable change, but more in my mental state (much happier, less anxious) and my energy level (I actually had some). I did notice some minor weight loss, but I'm starting to think the only way I'll ever look like The Rock is if someone leaves a wax statue of him out in the sun too long.

the challenges are not only epic but borderline insane GIF by The Titan Games

Though somewhat discouraged, I mostly stick to that similar diet, eating as little meat and carbs as I can muster the strength to avoid. However, much like any fatty in denial, I still treat myself several times per day for my efforts in being healthy. But, I do pay attention to what other people in this grotesquely vain society we live in are doing; and I kept hearing the phrase "impossible burger." And I realized, on one of my trips to use fast food to soak up the tears of self loathing that just won't stop falling from my eyes, that Burger King serves the Impossible Whopper!

Now, I must make a quick note here because I would expect that regardless of where my review goes from here, someone would mention "well maybe you had a lucky, or maybe you had a bad fast food experience! Not all BKs are as good as others!" And this is true. So, in the interest of quality control, I go to a Burger King that is not the closest to me, but one that has proved to be the most consistent in order accuracy, presentation and quality.

Also, I got the holy grail of order numbers...

Yup, and because I'm a CHILD when the woman at the counter said "Sixty-nine!" I made her repeat it three times, much to the entertainment of the dozen or so UberEats drivers chomping at the bit to get their to-go orders. *666 would've also been cool, but without an external speaker to blare some death metal, i'm not sure my iPhone would've cut the mustard in that scenario.

Animated GIF

Okay, now on to this damn review. The presentation was decent. I went in actually optimistic. It truly did look like a real burger... I mean, the coloring was a little light compared to that of a good ol' fashioned charbroiled whopper, and though it's a bit hard to tell, it DID look a little too perfect... and shiny almost... like when you buy a rubber squeaky burger toy for your dog. It looked so much like a burger, it looked artificial.

Upon first bite, I went "Hmm... I'm impressed!" Texture and taste appeared to be damn close to a real beef burger. I couldn't believe it.

But as I ate on, something changed. The amount of lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, ketchup and mayo that topped this Impossible patty started to become more and more apparent... as if they were hiding something sinister.

evil smile GIF

The taste of the burger began to go sour, as did my stomach. I tried to soldier on, figuring "well, it IS all plant based, it can't be PERFECT... stop being a wuss." I really did try you guys. But in the end, I quit. I did not finish the last 1/3 of the Impossible Whopper. It sucks. I hate it. It's the vaping of burgers... it's unholy, unnecessary and doggone it, a waste of time and money!

This is not some meat-loving foodie bashing all things vegetarian... in fact, since cutting out most meat, I've noticed a great reduction in how often I experience heartburn. I'm trying to focus on keeping in that zone, because the effects are all positive. But if you want a plant-based veggie burger (no soy, i'm trying to shrink my man-bosoms, not make them more perky and full), I recommend running down to your local super market and picking up a box of these:

Image result for amys california burgers

They're not pretending to bleed or taste like the real thing, but damnit they're edible, and with a little cheese and some russian dressing, you'll more than likely enjoy the little bastards.

To get that nasty garbage taste out of my mouth, thank god Burger King have lost their minds and decided to put $1 Tacos on the menu.

Now, are these the best Tacos ever? Nope. Are they better than Taco Bell? I think not. Are they still greasy and awful for you and delicious, yeah pretty much. They have that deep-fried shell, almost like a taquito from 7-11. And much like a 7-11 Taquito, they're best consumed when you're drunk and need to launch a pre-emptive strike on a hangover. However, that being said, it wasn't bad getting the taste of the IMPOSSIBLE-TO-EAT burger out of my mouth.

I give the Impossible Whopper an F (as in FU)
I give the BK Taco a B (as in B careful how many you consume)

Review by Dave

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Saturday, November 23, 2019

LOCAL SPOTLIGHT Earths Harvest Presents: The Hamma Jamma

In 2017, a small place called Earths Harvest opened in Dover, NH. Dover, which is pretty much overrun with fast food, bars, mediocre chinese food, and a decent Thai spot or two, needed something fresh, a new vision for food, a new way of preparing and serving a seacoast who's starved for something that resembles fresh food. Earths Harvest has been a go to place for me, not only can I go there and make sure I don't push an insane amount of processed food into my face, I can leave there, slightly guilt free, and know that I'm getting my money's worth in delicious farm to table freshness.

 "But FatGuyFoodBlog you don't care about eating healthy!?" is what you're yapping aloud to the screen as you read this. You're right, but we like to pump the brakes here and there and try something that isn't going to liquefy our internal organs.

So, with that, imagine my shock when on a daily special something so delicious was itemized, I needed to forgo any thought of sustainable nutrients, downshift those arteries, and step on the gas to tear ass into flavortown.

Labeled as the Hamma Jamma. Smoked Ham, with soft scrambled eggs, cheddar, ailoi, dijon, caramelized onions, on a seeded brioche.

Biting into this soft magic pile of goo was perfection. The similar textures helped add to the decadent flavor pairings, your brain gets confused on what exactly you're eating in the front of your mouth, and by the time it's moved the the back, you can discern the sweetness of the onions, the tang of the dijon, and the saltiness within the warm ham.

This is also the first time I've had a brioche that was seeded. I'm not sure what that does for the flavor, I'm much more accustomed to the cake like brioche I get at bakeries, but this brioche was a little drier. If they wanted to kick it up a notch, I'd suggest maybe going for one of those sweeter versions of brioche.


In the end, I went to a place I go to ensure that I get something that's not going to liquefy my guts like The Stuff did to Chocolate Chip Charley (every gif I found was disgusting so, we'll leave that one out) and I ended up getting something that wasn't probably the best choice for my arteries, but absolutely was for my mouth.

I give the Hamma Jamma sandwich from Earths Harvest an 
Everything I get there is always stellar, 
and I'm happy I could try Chef George's forray into 
sloppy, disgustingly wet comfort sandwiches.

I encourage you to visit
Earth's Harvest Kitchen & Juicery
835B Central Ave
Dover, NH 03820

Review by Josh

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Monday, November 4, 2019

Ben & Jerry's Minter Wonderland

 Well it's been a long time eh?  Fuck it! Let's just review some food shall we?

If you have a girlfriend who likes to walk up and down every single aisle of your local Target like I do, you know that burning hot ember of rage that fills inside you, that then twists into agony, your eyes darting back and forth hoping that the next aisle has something you can stab into your own face and end the suffering once and for all. Well I'm here to inform you fellow occupants of hell, there's something located in the freezer aisle that, hopefully, will douse that all consuming rage, and will sooth your soul from that 666 mile journey,  just a little bit.

 As a long time lover of mint anything, I shrieked when I gazed upon this Target exclusive. I was pretty excited to peel off that horseshit wrapping they tie up pints of B&J's in, so after a few minutes of trying with my hands, I took out the trusty pocketknife and revealed this.

Now looking at this, and thinking of what your classically favorite ice creams look like, you're probably

But rest easy my friends, what this ice cream lacks with it's visual austerity, it makes up for with its giant taste. Within the black maw of what seemingly is an empty void of flavor, ribbons of marshmallow flow throughout the cosmic ecosystem of chocolate, weaving in between giant black ribbons of chocolate cookie flavor waves, surfed by your silver spoon, searching through this place to appease your giant, world devouring hunger.

This ice cream is stellar, and as you can see, it doesn't have the hype of needing 8000 other candies and treats to be smashed up within it, it doesn't need some boomer enticing name of a failing late night talk show or a band no one really likes to sell this. The foundation on which this ice cream is built is so solid, you could build a home on it and expect it to last for generations of nuclear attacks.  I'm very pleased to have tried this, and I will definitely pick another pint or 3 up if I can somehow figure out how to survive another 5 hour Target trip without bashing my brains on the seasonal aisle floor.

I give Ben & Jerry's Minter Wonderland an
for giving us working men an ice cream to sit back, 
kick our feet up, and watch exposed breasts on HBO 
before it's time to go to bed. 

Review by Josh

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EMAIL: fatguyfoodblog (at) gmail (dot) com