Friday, February 24, 2017

Raising Cane's

Ask any BU student where to get the best chicken fingers around- most of them will tell you Raising Cane’s right here in Allston, and the ones that don’t are probably being conscious of their consistently long lines. It’s a unique spot both in name and location- of their ~311 restaurants, this is the only one north of Ohio, which by contrast has 8. (For those curious about the name, I urge you to dismiss that curiosity. I’ve read the whole story and it kind of explains it but not really.)

What I find most interesting about Raising Cane’s is that they sell chicken tenders- only chicken tenders, aside from coleslaw, fries, and texas toast. (OK, technically, they have a chicken sandwich where they put the tenders on a bun with lettuce and sauce.) But how, exactly, does that business model thrive in 2017- a time when dietary restricted consumers are catered to at almost every major restaurant? Since I’m no businessman, I’ll go with Occam’s razor; they just sell really tasty chicken tenders.

Personally, the limited menu makes my job super easy as a reviewer- order any combo and that’s it, really. The combos are all 2, 3, 4, or 6 pc fingers with sauce, coleslaw, fries, Texas toast and a fountain drink.

Let me begin with the Texas toast. THIS IS A GRILLED HOT DOG BUN WITHOUT THE SPLIT IN THE MIDDLE. A FARCE! I am truly outraged for the entire state of Texas (by the way, I’ve lived in New England my entire life and spent a grand total of maybe 4 hours in Texas during layovers). But how exactly does this qualify as Texas toast?! Look, someone really needs to explain this to me. Either Raising Cane’s needs to rename this menu item or I’m going into every bread isle in America, crossing out “Hot Dog Buns” on every package, and writing “Pre-Texas Toast” on all of them. That’s not how I want to spend the rest of this life. That would be quite silly. A petition would probably be more effective.

But what makes this even more mind-boggling, Texas boasts OVER 100 RAISING CANE’S LOCATIONS! How do these proud, strong, hard-working Americans allow this sham, this caricature to bear the name of their great state?! Again, I’m no Texpert, but if I ordered a Texas toast in Texas somebody damn well be handing me a fried loaf of bread! And I WILL SALUTE THEM.

And here's a funnier .gif from the days of myspace that's also Texas related!

...Anyway, that grilled bun tastes alright, though.

However, the coleslaw and fries are both truly unspectacular. Both items are in fact so average, for every character I’ve typed after that first sentence I become more and more indifferent to reality itself. If I continue to go on about them for even a few sentences more, I may disappear into the fabric of reality as though I’ve never existed. I’ve actually had to type this last bit with my knuckles, as my fingers have become ghostly and are passing right through the keyboard. 

PHEW! I reread my passionate rant about Texas toast and my fingers appear to have returned to normal. But I’ll tell you whose still got abnormal fingers- RAISING CANE’S! In fact, they’re paranormally delicious!

(Yeesh. After that bit, I’m tempted to go back and keep typing about the sides.)

But really, I’m only slightly exaggerating how good the chicken fingers are. Super tender, with a nice light breading. Honestly, for as long as I live close-by, I really see no reason to order chicken fingers anywhere else- unless maybe I’ve developed a wicked drug habit and only have enough spare change to order something off a kid’s menu somewhere. 

But, hey, who needs drugs when I have yet to introduce the REAL BULL OF THE RAISING CANE’S RODEO- ITS THE CANE’S SAUCE!

If you’ve read my posts before, you’ve probably realized by now I don’t play when it comes to quality condiments. And if you haven’t, and you don’t know my affection for condiments (which I affectionately abbreviate to condims): last night for dinner I had ketchup, mayonnaise, and relish with a side of hamburger. For real, son. I do that sometimes. One might say i'm condim cray!

But rightly so, when it comes to this Cane’s Sauce. It is a real chicken dipping masterpiece. And the folks at Raising Cane’s know it too- that’s why the RECIPE IS A SECRET! That’s right, a secret condiment recipe- who could even fathom such a thing?!

“Cane’s Sauce is tangy with a little bit of spice and full of flavor. We use our own proprietary blend of premium seasonings and spices in our Sauce and our Restaurant General Managers make a new batch every day in each Raising Cane’s kitchen. Our Sauce recipe is top secret and known only by our General Managers, who are sworn to secrecy (so don’t even ask).”

Well, perhaps the full recipe is known only to GMs, but my superior, condiment-honed palate detected four major players: mayonnaise, ketchup, black pepper, and salt. Random Rachel at backs me up; she claims to have discovered a close version of the recipe by looking at similar sauces at other restaurants and trial/error combos. Here’s her's: She writes for so she probably knows her shit brah

So to wrap up this ramble: Raising Cane’s. Weird name, great chicken, awesome sauce, don’t expect anything from the sides. Altogether: a B+ joint for a quick meal, if you like chicken fingers. I’m also factoring in that the entire menu compromises of six items. Although that makes ordering easy, it makes the decision to actually go to RC’s a tough one, when you can get way more variety almost anywhere else.

Oh yeah I almost forgot- the drink. Might as well review the entire menu, right? Well, those Texas folks will be highly disappointed to know there's no Big Red here- only Pepsi products. Blech. COKE IS IT! 

Review by sl33zy

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Thursday, February 23, 2017

Thanks a LATTE! Dunkin Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop-Tarts

I tried to rip the box open then remembered I had to take blog pics
 Look what we got here! Judging by the title, you'd think I just slapped together some buzzwords to try and get you to click this link. Unlike members of the mainstream media, FGFB would never publish fake news. This is indeed what the world has come to:

Dunkin Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop Tarts.

Let's go on a journey.

Added little bonus dad jokes

ah yes, I don't think they changed the inner wrapper of these, ever....

little more crumbly than usual

up in dem guts

thats a flaky poptart

I have to say one thing about this, I think Pop Tarts constant need to try and come up with new and exciting flavors have finally led us here. We all grew up with the frostless brown sugar cinnamon, and witnessed the rise, and fall, of legendary flavors. I wanted S'Mores to be my favorite flavor, I really did, but for some reason they just coudn't get that weird chemical chocolate flavor to actually not feel weird inside your mouth. And now here we are, DD and PT finally coming together to deliver a pop tart that actually delivers on it's flavor promise. It tastes almost IDENTICAL to what a vanilla latte topped with a generous portion of whipped cream.

The coffee flavor was slight within this, it's there, but seeing as how Dunkin Donuts coffee barely has any coffee in it as well, they aren't lying to us. Still though, let's see if adding a little browb magic can kick these up a notch!

Missing puzzle piece found! That smooth, refreshing vanilla/marshmallow flavor with a little more coffee really seals the deal. I don't see Starbucks out there really giving people what they want!

As you can tell by the insane amount of pictures in this post, there wasn't much to say about these, except, they were excellent. So if you find yourself walking by a display, reach your swollen fleshy hand out, grab a box, rip it open with your weird round little teeth, and go to town!

I give Dunkin Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop Tarts an A. 

Review by Josh

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Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Chocolate Strawberry Oreos!

Oreo is like the flavor nymphomaniacs of the cookie world. You went in, gave it your all, and all of a sudden, Oreo peeks her head back into the room, grabs you by the mouth genitals and demands more!

Now I'm not sure what mouth genitals are, but whatever, we're a food blog, not a nerd science blog for dweebs. Let me tell you if you should spend your money on the newest offering from the team that has brought you such cookie greats like:

(I know we've reviewed more but that's all I could lazily dig up with the tags)

First off, and I'll never, EVER, let this go. Oreo has ditched the old WAY TOO MUCH packaging, to a less full, OH THIS IS GONE IN A DAY packaging. I'll always harp on this, but after years of the new direction, I don't think we're getting the old cookie count back.

You rip open one of these tiny, tiny, TINY, cookie packages, and the room automatically fills with a strong strawberry scent. We all know what the cookie part of the Oreo tastes like, that familiar chocolate helicarrier for various creme's. This creme?

DELICIOUS! It's strong, mouth filling strawberry flavor has all the hallmarks of a great cookie. Sweet and strawberry smooth. The rich creme washes over your tongue and the cookie crunching system delivers flavor to your entire mouth with it's ingenious cookie missile delivery bombardment. 

Since we're not a science blog for dickheads, but a bastion of information and freedom for the internet, we decided to investigate into this cookie further. We took our eye genitals and smeared them across this strawberry/choco creme landscape to see what we could discover. What made these so good? I took out the middle, the seemingly "strawberry" flavor globule, and tried that on it's own. TASTELESS. I attacked the rest of the chocolate colored cream and all I could taste was that same chocolate strawberry cream that made this cookie so delicious.

It seems Oreo has decided to give us the illusion of a strawberry center, and just packed their food science into only two thirds of this cookie. Now, would filling the entire cookie with that flavor have been too much? Are we to trust Oreo and let them decide how much flavor we want? I'm not sure, but so far, Oreo has delivered unto me more happy afternoons than I've had Christmas's mornings. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt on this one.

I give Chocolate Strawberry Oreo's a B+
Now I know, you're asking yourself with such a glowing review, why the lower grade?
Oreo has set the bar so high, they really need to do something to give us something absolutely crazy. A lot like Apple, they need to get to innovating, and give us something that really transcends the mouth pleasure scale. I know you have it in you Oreo, we've been here many times....

Review by Josh

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The 2017 UPDATE you've been waiting for!

Hey Hey fellow fat guys and gals! I'm sure you're all wondering where it is we've been the past few eh? You'd figure running a highly successful food blog read by over a million people would be super easy to keep up with. But the truth is, the FGFB media empire is vast, and the time and dedication it takes to run a media megaconglomerate taxes even the most steadfast of food bloggery souls.

So after our brief hiatus, I wanted to inform you that Fat guy Food Blog is back, and ready to make you piss your ever tightening sweatpants in a regular manner. Thanks for your dedication, and we're looking to make 2017 be just as amazing as every other year here at FGFB HQ. As always, feel free to hit us up on our email, or any of our social media channels if you find want to share anything delicious or hilarious with your favorite muscle bound food bloggers.

-Josh & FGFB

Wanna get at your favorite Food Blog Fat Guys? Want us to review your stuff? Have some ideas for reviews? Want to be the one to tell us about the newest kind of Oreos/chips/ice cream/Fast food thingy? Want to send us pictures of your dog?

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