Raising Cane's

Ask any BU student where to get the best chicken fingers around- most of them will tell you Raising Cane’s right here in Allston, and the ones that don’t are probably being conscious of their consistently long lines. It’s a unique spot both in name and location- of their ~311 restaurants, this is the only one north of Ohio, which by contrast has 8. (For those curious about the name, I urge you to dismiss that curiosity. I’ve read the whole story and it kind of explains it but not really.)

What I find most interesting about Raising Cane’s is that they sell chicken tenders- only chicken tenders, aside from coleslaw, fries, and texas toast. (OK, technically, they have a chicken sandwich where they put the tenders on a bun with lettuce and sauce.) But how, exactly, does that business model thrive in 2017- a time when dietary restricted consumers are catered to at almost every major restaurant? Since I’m no businessman, I’ll go with Occam’s razor; they just sell really tasty chicken tenders.

Personally, the limited menu makes my job super easy as a reviewer- order any combo and that’s it, really. The combos are all 2, 3, 4, or 6 pc fingers with sauce, coleslaw, fries, Texas toast and a fountain drink.

Let me begin with the Texas toast. THIS IS A GRILLED HOT DOG BUN WITHOUT THE SPLIT IN THE MIDDLE. A FARCE! I am truly outraged for the entire state of Texas (by the way, I’ve lived in New England my entire life and spent a grand total of maybe 4 hours in Texas during layovers). But how exactly does this qualify as Texas toast?! Look, someone really needs to explain this to me. Either Raising Cane’s needs to rename this menu item or I’m going into every bread isle in America, crossing out “Hot Dog Buns” on every package, and writing “Pre-Texas Toast” on all of them. That’s not how I want to spend the rest of this life. That would be quite silly. A petition would probably be more effective.

But what makes this even more mind-boggling, Texas boasts OVER 100 RAISING CANE’S LOCATIONS! How do these proud, strong, hard-working Americans allow this sham, this caricature to bear the name of their great state?! Again, I’m no Texpert, but if I ordered a Texas toast in Texas somebody damn well be handing me a fried loaf of bread! And I WILL SALUTE THEM.

And here's a funnier .gif from the days of myspace that's also Texas related!

...Anyway, that grilled bun tastes alright, though.

However, the coleslaw and fries are both truly unspectacular. Both items are in fact so average, for every character I’ve typed after that first sentence I become more and more indifferent to reality itself. If I continue to go on about them for even a few sentences more, I may disappear into the fabric of reality as though I’ve never existed. I’ve actually had to type this last bit with my knuckles, as my fingers have become ghostly and are passing right through the keyboard. 

PHEW! I reread my passionate rant about Texas toast and my fingers appear to have returned to normal. But I’ll tell you whose still got abnormal fingers- RAISING CANE’S! In fact, they’re paranormally delicious!

(Yeesh. After that bit, I’m tempted to go back and keep typing about the sides.)

But really, I’m only slightly exaggerating how good the chicken fingers are. Super tender, with a nice light breading. Honestly, for as long as I live close-by, I really see no reason to order chicken fingers anywhere else- unless maybe I’ve developed a wicked drug habit and only have enough spare change to order something off a kid’s menu somewhere. 

But, hey, who needs drugs when I have yet to introduce the REAL BULL OF THE RAISING CANE’S RODEO- ITS THE CANE’S SAUCE!

If you’ve read my posts before, you’ve probably realized by now I don’t play when it comes to quality condiments. And if you haven’t, and you don’t know my affection for condiments (which I affectionately abbreviate to condims): last night for dinner I had ketchup, mayonnaise, and relish with a side of hamburger. For real, son. I do that sometimes. One might say i'm condim cray!

But rightly so, when it comes to this Cane’s Sauce. It is a real chicken dipping masterpiece. And the folks at Raising Cane’s know it too- that’s why the RECIPE IS A SECRET! That’s right, a secret condiment recipe- who could even fathom such a thing?!

“Cane’s Sauce is tangy with a little bit of spice and full of flavor. We use our own proprietary blend of premium seasonings and spices in our Sauce and our Restaurant General Managers make a new batch every day in each Raising Cane’s kitchen. Our Sauce recipe is top secret and known only by our General Managers, who are sworn to secrecy (so don’t even ask).” -www.raisingcanes.com

Well, perhaps the full recipe is known only to GMs, but my superior, condiment-honed palate detected four major players: mayonnaise, ketchup, black pepper, and salt. Random Rachel at food.com backs me up; she claims to have discovered a close version of the recipe by looking at similar sauces at other restaurants and trial/error combos. Here’s her's: http://www.food.com/recipe/cane-sauce-for-dippin-chicken-233189. She writes for food.com so she probably knows her shit brah

So to wrap up this ramble: Raising Cane’s. Weird name, great chicken, awesome sauce, don’t expect anything from the sides. Altogether: a B+ joint for a quick meal, if you like chicken fingers. I’m also factoring in that the entire menu compromises of six items. Although that makes ordering easy, it makes the decision to actually go to RC’s a tough one, when you can get way more variety almost anywhere else.

Oh yeah I almost forgot- the drink. Might as well review the entire menu, right? Well, those Texas folks will be highly disappointed to know there's no Big Red here- only Pepsi products. Blech. COKE IS IT! 

Review by sl33zy

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Mainely Burgers in Central Sq, Cambridge MA!

Dozens, possibly hundreds of us working in or around Cambridge’s Central Square recently bid a bittersweet farewell to a mostly unknown joint called Four Burgers. The aptly named restaurant featured four types of burgers: turkey, salmon, black bean, and grass-fed beef. While the food was of great quality, it was a bit overpriced- a typical lunch time order of rosemary chips (which were, admittedly, nothing short of fantastic), a double cheeseburger, and one soda cost a dime under $15 without tax, and they never advertised any specials to my knowledge. So with a shrug, we watched them shutter their doors.

It wasn’t long before the murmurs and whispers of a new burger joint rose above the collective din of grumbling office worker tummies. A co-worker came to me asking if I had heard of the popular food truck from Scarborough, Maine, that was going to permanently park its business a few streets over. When I learned the name, the grumble didn’t come from my stomach.

The “Mainely Whatever” thing. Can that stop and go away forever please? It might coax a chuckle from a tourist the FIRST time, but as someone who lived in Maine for five years, this bit gets old fast. Sadly, just like so maine-y things in this region of New England, it’s time for change. But hey, then again, I’m a city slicker now- maybe I just can't wrap my head around the way life should be. 

this is in central square?

At first glance, MAINELY BURGERS felt suspiciously like a rebrand of Four Burgers, but I succepted to the ruse after taking in the restaurant’s wood-panel-everything décor, which was strangely comforting- like the square womb of a Tolkien Ent. There’s also a nice mural of the food truck driving from Portland to Central. All in all, the simple and polished atmosphere is a welcome juxtaposition to the Square. 

Two items on the list quickly caught my eye. The first, THE BEAST. On a list of menu items like the MB CLASSIC, THE SHROOM & SWISS, and THE ARRIBA!, this one seemed like the only choice for a Fat Guy Food Blogger. Also, the name reminded me of my favorite autumn themed protagonist- THE BEAST from Over The Garden Wall. Look it up and thank me later! 

However, the second and plainly named item I ordered… WILL SHOCK YOU! #clickbait

First thing’s first, THE BEAST. A burger with BBQ sauce, sautéed onions, cheddar cheese, pickles… and the much needed ingredient to make it seem substantial, bacon.

The most important thing, as I learned from reading many a FGFB post before I joined in, is the preparation of the only supplemental ingredient that would justify its name. This ingredient is, of course, the bacon, which was expertly cooked in my meal on at least two different occasions. The combo of crispy and chewy is surely enough to blow any so-called connoisseur of this sweat meat treat right into the middle of Mass Ave, to be quickly run down by an indifferent bus driver.

Everything else in the Beast fulfilled its expected it role in a satisfactory manner except for the sparing use of BBQ sauce. This is the second review in a row I've had to critique lacking condiments, but if there's no sauce on the table or at least packets in the bag, it's totally justified.

Which leaves the unexpected usurper to the Mainely Burgers claim o’ fame- grab something stable- BRUSSEL SPROUTS.

That’s right haters! Leave your ill-conceived notions in the 90’s cartoons your feeble belief system was conceived in! Doug Funnie and I will look upon your helpless husks and cackle! YOUR WRAITHS ARE DOOMED TO HAUNT A CROOKED PAST FOR ALL ETENTINTY, NEVER TO SEE THE FRUITS OF TRUTH TO BE BORN PAST THE INCEPTION OF YOUR WICKEDNESS!

Much like the Loch Ness, aliens, and Bigfoot (sorry Josh), it’s time to lay this urban legend to rest because FINALLY and WE NOW HAVE IRREFUTABLE PROOF (gotcha there tho) that brussel sprouts, when prepared CORRECTLY, are A TOP TIER AND FGFB NOTEWORTHY VEGETABLE. Suck it kale! You've had your day, now go back to whatever San Francisco vegan bistro and weed dispensary you crawled out of. 

This gluten-free breadwinner (I assume? Who knows anymore) commands the delicious flavors of garlic, brown sugar, and one unseeingly yet unmistakable overpowering other. The distinct taste of soy sauce adds the necessary salinity to deem this veggie snack-worthy, and yet I feel it was too heavy-handed, and distracted too much from the distinct brussel sprout flavor that distinguishes this snack from any other lightly-fried green vegetable. That being said, these were absolutely delicious, and I look forward to having them within walking distance on a lazy-afternoon workday then I do a hundred cheeseburgers.

The Beast: B-

While this was surely a well-crafted sandwich, it didn’t do enough to satisfy the savage urges one naturally feels when indulging upon a good-sized cow-puck. Two patties are an absolute must, which takes money from my wallet and points from my grade. However, all the usual flavor superstars come together to save the day, which left me with enough satisfaction to ward off buyer’s remorse.

Brussel Sprouts: A

Baby cabbages overshadowing meat is no small feat. This one truly earned the A.

Despite the slightly underwhelming burger, I’ll be headed to Mainely again soon. There’s a few other eye-catching items on their menu I’m keen to try- the Coop burger, their “truckmade” chips (we're supposed to believe a truck is driving these down daily?), and… here's another odd one- fried cauliflower?! Hey, like I said, they nailed the sprouts. Might as well see if they can glamour up another healthy food. My doctors would be so proud of me if I told them I ate two vegetables in the same week! 

Review by sl33zy

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BURGER KING: WHOPPERITO

Let's not fart around with this intro. BK deserves to take a royal walk of shame Cersei-style. And I'm just the Septa to take it on this stroll down shit avenue! No, it's not for sticking "-ito" on the end of "Whopper", although I do picture Peggy Olson crying into her pillow when I consider that marketing decision. It's for an offense much, much more serious than that.

WHERE ARE MY WHOPPER DOGS?!

Of course we know from the commercials the King is a diabolical sociopath, but this is some next level fuckery.

On the heels of the dismal review I had assigned to the Extra-Long Buttery Cheeseburger, I turned around and awarded the Whopper Dog an A+, the only item I've given that grade to in nearly a year of fair and balanced food-bloggery. And then, just before I could have a second bite, the King slapped it out of my hands and the Whopper Dog bit the dust.

DAMN IT, KING! YOU HAD JUST GOTTEN OUT OF THE DOG HOUSE THEN YOU KICKED THE DOG OUT AND HEADED STRAIGHT BACK IN!

And as an extra flick in the nads, they left the regular grilled dog and chili cheese dog on the menu- they cut out Clint Eastwood and left us with The Bad and The Ugly!

            

Now, they roll out this so-called WHOPPERITO, just to rub salt in my wounds, and presumably some cumin and oregano as well.

Alright, alright. I've had my druthers and settled down a bit. To be honest, I was really quite excited to try out the Whopperito, but obviously the Whopper Dog left some big shoes to fill.

Basically, what I was picturing was the BK version of the McDonald's cheeseburger snack wrap from five years ago. Remember those little guys, before they came out with the whole big "healthy" McWrap with like cucumbers and fancy leaves and stuff? If I remember correctly, the first generation had three options: cheeseburger, and chicken (crispy/grilled). The chicken ones were legit, which led to its natural evolution, the aforementioned McWrap, but the cheeseburger one? All they did was take the contents of a McDouble and put them in a tortilla! Then they started getting real goofy about it- they did the Mac Wrap, the Angus Wrap, the Wrapper's Delight... it was a dark period of McDonalds history I refer to as to the Wrapture.

The Whopperito's promo picture had also left some ambiguity about what I was getting myself into. The white onions kind of looked like mayo, the tomatoes like ketchup, the cheese like mustard. And it gave no indication of the size. So I bought two, fully expecting to woof the little guy down in a few bites. 

DIOS MIO

Look at the size of this lump! This is exactly what my stomach would've looked like if BK had left the Whopper Dogs on the menu, stretch marks and all! And for $2.99?! Fair trade!

                                                 

I was immediately pleased at the first bite- nothing here but greasy ground beef accompanied by the strong taste of chili powder, which is pretty much how I make my burritos at home. My second bite revealed some crunchy white shit and some soggy red shit, which did more to vary the texture rather than the flavor, but there was bit of crunchy green shit that stood out (and it sure as shit wasn't lettuce). 

PICKLES

I don't know why, but I thought these pickles worked wonderfully- they cut through the single-note spicy beef flavor like Valyrian steel. Swing away, King Robert Burgeratheon! 

One minor goof here is a lack of sour cream. The spicy flavor comes from a condiment BK refers to as "creamy spicy sauce", but the former descriptor is severely lacking. I think there should be something else in the mix here besides the pickles to keep this beefy spice wad from being too uniform. Also, I didn't detect enough of that smokey chemical flavor to justify putting the word "Whopper" anywhere near this. On a side note, It'd be a neat experiment to try one of these with BK's stacker sauce instead of the creamy spicy one.

But all in all... crawl on out of the dog house, King. You can ride this review all the way back to the castle, because I'm giving you a B+. This spicy meat pocket (my nickname in HS) comes at a great price and its minor flaws could easily be covered up with a sour cream packet. Anybody hear ringing? Sounds like the Taco Bell death knell to me.

Review by Davos Sl33zworth

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DADDY'S BONETOWN BURGERS FOOD TRUCK - BOSTON, MA

Who doesn’t love a good old fashioned annual craft fair? It’s one of the only chances you get in life to stock up on homemade pot holders, amateur watercolor paintings, and jewelry made of rocks wrapped in sterling silver- all at the same time! Time to clear out your bank account! Then there’s always the fun game of trying to avoid eye contact with all the handmade clothing vendors peddling what looks like stitched together scraps of discount fabric from Joanne’s. So after you’ve walked the four or five aisles of homemade soap and windchimes, you may start to wonder why you didn’t just spend your Saturday morning at home watching cartoons instead of early Christmas shopping for your weird aunt. But then you smell something delicious and suddenly going to the local craft fair was the best decision you made all week.

not exactly what i was expecting

My lack of regret came courtesy of Daddy's Bonetown Burgers food truck.There was a block of trucks lined up, so I decided to make my pick by looking at the size of the crowd out front and Bonetown won that contest by far. The line at this no-name craft fair had at least a 10 person queue but I knew it was my duty to wait. Well worth it. I mean, how could you go wrong with eating at a food truck with a sexy devil woman painted on the side? Already, I knew if it could be, they'd be the source of all my nutrition until my fiery, eternal end.

I picked what tickled my fancy, which at 11 AM was rightfully a burger with a fried egg on it. How else does one justify a burger for breakfast? Go ahead and slap a fried egg on a chocolate lava cake topped with pork rinds and onion rings and I'll scream out "COCKADOODLEDOOOOOOOOO!"

My choice was the Die Munster (sic) Die- which is a burger with a soft fried egg, sriracha pickles, muenster cheese, and bacon aioli. If you didn't just say DAYUMN out loud, you may want to reconsider your blog reading choices.

 

When I tasted it, the advertised flavors weren't totally all there- a hint of spice but mostly just pickle, and the aioli was definitely overshadowed by the egg- I wish they had added bacon to it rather than attempt to lock its flavor within the aioli (although its a clever idea for leftover bacon grease).

Was it a delicious treat worth $9? Hell yea, absolutely. By far the most delicious item I'd tasted all day. I originally thought to make this a 3 food truck review, but instead one became a mini-review and the other main course wasn't even worth it. This Bonetown offering was satisfying enough on its own. I regret not trying all of their burgers and just making that the review. Next time I'm going to chase them down the street like the ice cream truck.

 

Bonetown Burgers' Die Muenster Die: a soft, fried B+. If I could detect all the advertised flavors more consistently, it would've been at least an A. But if I can eat a burger and love it without being tempted to slather it in so much relish, mayo, mustard, and ketchup that the bun disintegrates, it signals to me the flavors are on point.

doesn't get much better than that

#blessed

Review by sl33zy
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Wendy's Limited Edition Bacon Mozzarella Burger!

When I learned Wendy's was offering a new burger, I thought to meself, "Finally! A blessing from the Fat Guy Food God"! Although Wendy's is my favorite fast food joint by far, I often find their menu stagnant- every now and then, there's some variant of the Baconator, a new salad, or some such unreviewable nonsense. This time around, though, it seemed legit- the limited edition Bacon Mozzarella burger. Uh, yes, please.

Yep that's definitely the outside of a Wendy's.

Wendy's has a real hard on for their applewood smoked bacon products. It seems like they try to slip it into whatever they can- even their cheese fries, which they call "Baconator fries", which are not great imo. The whole concept seems kind of silly to me, actually. "Applewood smoked bacon". Why kill a tree that produces food to burn it to season another food? And really, how efficient is this process? I'm willing to bet no person not somehow affiliated with Wendy's has ever tasted its bacon and said, "Well hot damn this bacon taste like apples!". It doesn't. It tastes like bacon. Probably any other wood would do. I think if you left the tree alive and took the apples, sliced them, and threw them in with the other wood, it'd produce a more appley flavor. But hell, Wendy's bacon tastes great anyway. I'm sure they've got their reasons.

APPLES

So the Mozzarella Burger consists of three slices of the applewood smoked bacon, a 1/4 pound hamburger patty (weaaak), mozzarella cheese, fancy leaves (known to some as "spring mix"), red onion, a parmesan and garlic cheese spread, on a garlic brioche bun. If you review that sentence, you'll find only two ingredients are mentioned twice- "cheese, garlic". So it's really more like a cheesy garlic bread burger! That sounds 100 times more appealing than a bacon mozzarella burger!! Damn, do I love me some garlic. Now that the hype level has been set to TURNT THA FUK UP BITCH, let's see how they did.

The leaves just sticking there like that is convenient for dissection pictures. BONUS POINT

First few bites. Got cheese, cheese is definitely there. There is cheese on this burger. It's a cheeseburger. And the bacon too! Woop, I love bacon, even if its nonsensically made. But... where's the garlic? I tasted the red onion, for sure, but I'm not sure if it masked the garlic taste or it wasn't there at all. Unfortunately, as I kept munching, that mouth watering taste never struck me.
So pretty much I got the burger advertised. A bacon cheeseburger, indeed, although I don't know that cheese actually tasted of mozzarella. But it was certainly cheese. And the red onion added a very necessary taste dynamic here, which kept the taste levels above plain. But for having two ingredients that were supposedly garlic infused, I didn't get my garlic fix. The spring mix was cute didn't add anything to the taste. And I felt it was missing a certain sweetness- tomato, or a modest amount of ketchup could've brought a lot of tasty flavor here.

Here's me thinking about how to grade the burger. Jk I was thinking about how I choose to spend my free time.

I'm giving this bacon mozzarella burger a B-. If somebody shoved one in front of me, I'd be grateful. But if I'm going to Wendy's to spend my hard earned dollars, I'll be getting a JBC, a Double Stacker, or if I'm feeling wily, a Baconator. But not this one again without some tweaks. I think adding another patty, some tomato, and why the hell not, some sautéed garlic would make this burger truly remarkable. As it stands now, stick with the tried and true classics. It doesn't really get much better than that anyway, does it?

Review by sl33zy

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Burger King Classic Grilled & Whopper hot dogs!

A dog is a man’s best friend. A hot dog is a hot man’s best friend. By the transitive property, hot dogs must be my best friends. But if I am what I eat, am I my own best friend?! Clearly not, as you’re supposed to treat your friends with love, and I apparently treat myself with the latest new Burger King offerings on a periodic basis. Sorry, BK, but you simply haven’t been making the cut for me lately.
I’m sure you’re aware (because I’m both the laziest and slowest review writer of the whole Fat Guy Food bunch), Burger King has hot dogs now, which I resent MERELY ON PRINCIPLE!! How can one claim to be the Burger King yet sell hot dogs? It’s almost an admittance that the hot dogs will be inferior to the burger. Otherwise, they’d be the Hot Dog King, which is a title I’ve already assumed and will fight to the death for. I’ve spent far too many sad, lonely nights in gas stations earning that title! I am truly the King of Wieners, any gas station attendant will tell you so. I’ve mastered every wiener in the Northeast! Come and get me, Burger King! But you best not bring a knife to this sword fight!
Well, now that I’ve burned through those stupid dick jokes, I’ll be straight up with you, my dear reader: hot dogs were once my favorite food. My dad has a poster I made in kindergarten called “About Me” that’s still shockingly accurate- favorite movie: Nightmare Before Christmas. Favorite Kanye Album: Yeezus. Favorite color: purple. Wait, nope, that one’s changed, it is now gray. But listed as my favorite food? Hot dogs. So when I realized this was my only option for a review I could write on the fly, and the subject material was a hot dog, I knew right then that the Burger King better bring it. Or else, I’d write a scathing review of that dog more savage than my last BK one. But why write a review on the fly? Because I’ve very conveniently got a Burger King that’s only 5 mins from my apartment! So, I trotted off on a short jaunt to the BK in Allston with hopes high and expectations low!

Oh. Oh dear.

Well apparently the word of my first BK review made it to the powers at be. Perhaps directly to his so-called Royal Majesty’s ears because this BK is clearly SHUTTERED BY ROYAL DECREE! Or possibly just going through a renovation. Either way this is awesome for me, because now to write this review I’ve already foolishly committed to, I had to trek to a spot 35 minutes from my real life work (according to Google). Thankfully, I managed to get there in 25, possibly because I’ve spent the better part of my life getting from Point A to Point B on my own two feet. So without further adieu, my review of the BK Classic Grilled Dog and the Whopper Dog!

First thing I noticed about these dogs is that they’re red. OK, you’re starting out with bonus points, BK. Red hot dogs are the only game in town in Maine, a state that I do not hail from but spent 4 years loafing about in, and I enjoyed my hot dogs to the max while I was there. But the second thing I noticed is what’s really going to put points on the board- the Classic Grilled Dog comes loaded with condiments. Ketchup, grilled onions, relish. Couldn’t have dressed it better myself! The dog itself was reminiscent of the elongated meat ovals of yore, which all things considered, is good. I can only imagine the process it would take to improve on that model. But, just like a key mistake made by the chefs of Charlie’s Kitchen in Cambridge , this classic could have been much improved by a grilled bun. No grilled bun, nothing to rave about. This is a slightly above average hot dog that’s only true merit is I didn’t have to dress it myself.
So, the only reason I ordered the Classic Grilled Dog was to serve as a comparison to the real subject of my review: the Whopper Dog! WOW! A hot dog in Whopper form. How long did it take the Executive Chef of Burger King’s test kitchens to fart out this idea? Did it take the length span of an average fart? Or maybe one of the seconds longer ones I occasionally have in the shower? We may never know.

BUT, WITH ANY STORY WORTH TELLING, HERE COMES THE TWIST. I LOVED THE WHOPPER DOG. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS! To be 100% honest with you, I can’t wait for the next time I lay eyes on a BK to order this scrumptious treat. What made it so great? It actually tasted just like a Whopper. The toppings and condiment scheme were the same- lettuce, mayonnaise, and all! I never realized that the composition of the Whopper is what made it a burger worth sometimes ordering. The same carries true to this hot dog. It blew its control group out of the water. I, as a “professional”  fast food reviewer, recommend this hot dog. Go get one! If you’ve ever had a Whopper before and enjoyed it, I have no doubt this will satiate you.

So, finally, the report card:
BURGER KING CLASSIC DOG: B. Like I said, bonus points for being red. And truly, this is a well-dressed dog. Just a simple grilled bun could’ve made this one an easy A.
BURGER KING WHOPPER DOG: FUCKING A+. IF YOU DIDN’T LIKE THIS YOU CAN SHOVE MY HOT DOG WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE, PAL. I’m writing this in Allston actually considering walking to Somerville to get another. Writing this review is actually making me hungry! But if it’s hot dogs that I crave, the local gas station isn’t going to do the trick. It simply must be the Whopper Dog, or NO DOGS ALLOWED!
I leave you on this note: All dogs go to heaven. Peace! –sl33zy

Review by sl33zy!

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What the hell is Chocolate Leather? Let's find out together!

What the hell is Chocolate Leather?! When Rich first asked me about reviewing it, a few different scenarios ran through my mind. Could it be a replica of the Fonz’s jacket made entirely from milk chocolate? Maybe a few slabs of flank steak carved out of the cows that they use to make chocolate milk? Or perhaps he had heard about my crippling loneliness and pitied me enough to send me out a top-notch hooker from Seattle? With high hopes it was the latter, I enthusiastically responded with a hell yea and I sent him my office address, because whatever the situation was, I’d almost certainly be receiving a very welcome stress relief in the middle of a very stressful day. 

A few weeks later I had completely forgotten about the offer as the paradoxically anxiety inducing and mind numbing work days cyclically rolled on like a wheel on Satan’s chariot. Upon my return from yet another lunch break that felt exactly 7.5 times too short, I was welcomed back by two large packages behind the front desk for a co-worker, or so I assumed, as I hadn’t had the time to order office supplies for at least a month. I brought the packages to her desk and as I passed them to her, the shipping label on the larger one caught my bloodshot eyes. The sender: Manhattan Chocolates. The recipient: yours truly. At that moment it dawned on me that the mysteries of Chocolate Leather were about to be revealed.

I didn’t even wait to get it back to my desk. I ripped open that box like it contained a life less depressing than my own. Well in a way, it did, because this treasure chest contained not one Chocolate Leathers, not two, but five beautiful boxes of them- three original, three dark chocolate. 

Things were finally looking up. 

I took the bounty back to my desk and opened one up. I chewed it… and I chewed… and I kept on chewing. These bars are extremely chewy. But as I chewed my mouth filled up with genuine chocolate flavor. The flavor of the dark chocolate flavor is indistinguishable from a traditional chocolate bar. The original flavor has more of a caramel like taste. But the consistency is a bit strange- not just the chewiness but it actually becomes kind of a grainy texture from the brown rice crisps. I ate a couple of each flavor, which I enjoyed, and then decided I was satisfied, what with bikini season coming up and what not. A few minutes later I found myself mindlessly reaching for another, and another. After about eating six or seven, I noticed that they were only a mere fifty or sixty calories each! So I gleefully and gluttonously snacked on them guilt free for the rest of the day. Not bad for a dude who just came back from his lunch break.

With my brain now saturated in chocolate covered serotonin, I decided to share my good fortune with some of my coworkers, blissfully unaware that I would quickly creating a whole office full of ravenous chocolate craving monsters. A mere half hour later people I had never seen before were asking me for one of these mysterious treats that had taken the building by storm. My co-workers didn’t like them, they LOVED them. Seriously, it’s been a few weeks since that awesome day and they are still asking me if I have any left (I do, but I tell them I don’t because I want them for myself). 

As an added bonus for our friends with dietary restrictions out there, they’re gluten, dairy, soy, and GMO free. They also use fair trade certified ingredients- which, admittedly, I don’t exactly know what that means but it sounds like something I’d probably be on board with. Anyway,  I think Chocolate Leather would be perfect for chocolate lovers to take on hikes or a long bike rides, because they won’t get all melty in your backpack or picnic basket like regular chocolate (although a bit gooey if you pocket them for too long). Look, I know they sound pretty weird, but everyone I’ve shared them with so far has enjoyed them and eaten more than a few. With this in mind, here’s my report card:

Chocolate Leather Original Flavor: B

Chocolate Leather Dark Chocolate Flavor: B+

The one constructive criticism I might give is that given they’re aimed at the health conscious consumer, it’d be nice to see some protein worked in there. But then again, I’m a lowly food blogger, not a food scientist- this suggestion is probably easier said than done. Truth be told, I’ll binge eat them either way.

-sl33zy

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Ben & Jerry's Limited Batch: Cake My Day!

Every single time I go to the grocery store, I walk by the ice cream like there's an elderly couple having sex in the middle of the aisle. Not because I don't enjoy it, but because I realize that too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. But because of my troubling financial circumstances I recently had to cancel my subscriptions to a few certain websites, and I needed to fill that shameful void somehow- enter Ben and Jerry's Cake My Day.

Well my day was certainly caked... it was... cade... my day was cake... well... uh. The Ben and Jerry's was on sale for $1.99. So the decision to buy this ice cream was a piece of cake!!! Yeah, knew I'd find that sooner or later. Anyway, Ben and Jerry's pints for $1.99. Sometimes, Shaw's and Star Market just has unbelievably stupid deals on these pints. If you've got one in your 'hood, keep your eyes peeled. I was going to take a picture of the sign but I didn't think of it soon enough and the sale ended, so you're going to have to just believe me here. And if you don't, then why are you getting your food reviews from a source you've deemed untrustworthy? Like there's not enough pictures of cats on the Internet to keep you busy for five minutes, and you're just browsing through shady food reviews. Go outside.

Ben and Jerry's Cake My Day will Cake Your Day the Fuck Up (TM). This ice cream tastes more like cake then it does it does ice cream. It tastes more like cake then fucking cake does. Cake is actually suing Ben and Jerry's right now, and I'm a star witness. Tom Carvel tasted it and hung himself. The Friendly's closest to your house is now a Mexican restaurant. 

Why does it taste so much like cake? Because it's a vanilla cake batter ice cream with vanilla cake pieces and butter cream frosting and raspberry swirls. Observant readers may note that the raspberry swirls in the last sentence is smaller than the other words in the same sentence. Totally intentional!! This Ben and Jerry's flavor could use more raspberry swirls, or some chocolate fudge pieces or macadamia nuts or just pretty much anything else. Because it just tastes like vanilla cake I left in the freezer for eight months after the most depressing solo birthday party I've ever had but now I'm out of food because I spent all my money on certain websites and there's nothing left to eat! But good news if you like vanilla cake this is definitely the ice cream for you! 

I'd probably be doing a disservice to our readers if I didn't mention that the cake pieces actually have the consistency of real cake- no gimmicks there. That being said, I'm going to give this Ben and Jerry's flavor a C+. Guess what the C stands for. Personally, I wouldn't get this again, because I'm not that huge a fan of super sweet flour sugar combinations traditionally combined with a softer flour-free version of more sugar. So we picked the wrong guy to write this review! But that tag line was just too good to give up.
-sl33zy

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