Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Mountain Dew KICK START Energy Drinks

Man, was I tired when I got up today. 

Is there anything in the fridge that will wake me up?

Ohhhh snap! Mountain Dew Kick Start!

This'll do it! I'll be doing backflips out my window to dubstep in no time!

Like the classy gentleman I am, I poured some in the most badass pint glass of all time. 

And what's this? A second can? The King will take care of this one. 


Eh... It's alright. Irwin, do you want some?

Ouch. DISSED. Irwin decided to ignore it and go back to sleep. 

I think I agree with him. 

my basketball pillowcase rules

Mountain Dew Kick Start is Mountain Dew's attempt to make the perfect mix of a juice and soda into some weird, less sugary version of an energy drink. But this, unlike me, is made for the morning. It's got enough crispness that it's sort of soda, and small enough amounts so that it's sort of juice. They call it a "sparkling juice beverage," and that's pretty accurate I guess. It does contain a whopping 5% juice (amidst lots of chemicals) too, so it counts as juice. 

After some research and some math, based solely on the nutrition facts, this is technically better for you than mountain dew. A 16 ounce can of mountain dew and these are drastically different. 

Calories- Dew: 226 / Kick Start: 80
Sodium- Dew: 140 / Kick Start: 170
Carbs- Dew: 61 / Kick Start: 20
Sugar- Dew: 61 / Kick Start: 19
Caffeine- Dew: 72mg / Kick Start: 92mg

SO, if you're a really weird person who pays attention to nutrition facts when drinking Mountain Dew products, this is way better for you (other than sodium) AND has more caffeine, as well as fruit juice and vitamins C and B6, and Niacin, which I'm choosing to believe is good for me. 

Of course, you can easily get into the debate of high fructose corn syrup and sugar vs. artificial sweeteners- the old diabetes vs. cancer debate, and this may technically lose out. But then again, I have no idea what the hell any of the chemicals in Mountain Dew are either. Maybe a scientist can help. 

But who cares, this is FATGUYFOODBLOG. All that matters is the following: Were they good? 

Sort of. The orange citrus one tasted pretty much exactly like a less sweet, sort of soda-bubbly Sunny D. It had a weird artificial sweetener aftertaste though, kind of like the weird flavor in Sobe's Life Water (stevia and erythritol). It doesn't show either of those on the cans though, so it's something else. I'm not a big fan of Sunny D (is anyone, really?) so this one got poured down the sink. I'll give it a C- though, since it wasn't horrible- just not for me and the aftertaste ruined it.

The Fruit Punch was much better- tasting like Mountain Dew's own Code Red, if it was watered down with Hawaiian Punch. The aftertaste was there too, but it didn't seem as prominent. I think the fruit punch flavor was just much better tasting than the citrus. I drank most of this one while eating other stuff, and it was solid. I'll give it a B.

The question remains though, did this supercharge me and make me want to bust through the day doing a billion things with high energy? 

Actually, yea, it did. I like to pretend that caffeine doesn't have much effect on me- I am not a coffee drinker and if anything, will have a soda a few hours after I wake up. But I definitely noticed I had a lot more energy today, and I think I'm gonna have to attribute that to the KICK START I got when I woke up. I mean, jeez, look at how scientific I got in my above ramblings... that's gotta say something. 


These aren't incredible, but for the very small target audience of non-coffee drinkers who don't drink energy drinks and either don't drink soda in the morning or want to avoid soda for health reasons, but still want a super sweet soda-like beverage made by Mountain Dew, this stuff is PERFECT for you. 

-review by Mike

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Eckrich Bacon Lovers Deli Meats!

Once in a while we get a little weird here at FGFB. Sometimes we're asked what we think about certain food items, and even if it's not what you usually see on FGFB, we'll give it a try.

That's kind of what happened when the kind folks over at Eckrich asked us what we thought of their new bacon infused deli line! Wasn't sure how we'd go about reviewing some different meats, but we figured, why not how deli meats are naturally consumed, in an All American sandwich!

 I know it's Canadian White, but they're our brothers to the North!
If you're all done judging the kind of sandwich I'm about to make, just listen. I wanted to go classic, but sans lettuce, because honestly, lettuce does absolutely nothing for a sandwich. If you're looking for something crazy, might I suggest our other brothers to the north, Epic Meal Time.

These called for a thin layer of mayo, a slice of tomato, a few onion rings, with a slice of american, the only thing missing is a pickle, but I figured a pickle would completely overpower any of the flavor of the meats. So I made 2, each with a different kind of Eckrich Bacon Lovers Deli Meat.

First up, Bacon Infused Turkey!

Of course before I slapped a handfull of slices onto the white bread, I had to have one or two. First impression of the meat was how incredibly salty it was. I understand why, and how it got that way, but honestly, I could barely eat the whole slice. It made me Judge Dredd face knowing I had to eat an entire sandwich of what was basically flattened down salt with some bacon chunks, that they drove past a turkey going 90 mph to get the faintest of turkey flavor onto the meat. Now, before you write this off, just wait till the end of the post.

The real question is if Irwin likes it.


Now for the real test of the meat, was how it tasted inside of a sandwich. I'm extremely weirded out that when I bit into it, the flavor of the meat completely changed, and you could taste the turkey breast and hints of bacon. I think maybe the other items in the sandwich nullified the salt content, thus clearing the way for the real meat flavor to shine. I don't think it'll completely replace the need for bacon and separate turkey, but in a jam, I think this Bacon Lovers Turkey Breast will do just nicely.

Next on the list, Eckrich's Bacon Ranch Chicken Breast!

Of course I couldn't wait to get this slice of meat into my mouth. Something that has this much promise, this much riding on it. A whole generation of teen stoners remember the world before Chicken Bacon Ranch pizza, and not a one of them wants to go back. I was hoping that this deli meat would do for the casual sandwich crowd what it did for pizza lovers everywhere. Did it? Well let's see if Irwin likes it first.

So when I sampled a slice, pre sandwich, I had a similar disdain for the meat as I had the last one. It just tasted like cold wet salt, with no real chicken breast flavor, and ranch specs that tasted eerily like someone rolled the deli meat on the ground, and if the ground was made of pepper. At least the bacon was decent inside this. Oddly, the SAME EXACT PHENOMENON happened when I went full sandwich with this, the saltiness disappeared and we were left with some sort of meat, couldn't really tell it was chicken, and some bacon bits. Not bad, but it didn't blow my hair back or my tongue out of my mouth.

In conclusion, the scientists at Eckrich have perfected the art of fusing animals together for the purposes of deli meats like some sort of twisted delicious Isle of Dr. Moreau. The meats however were pretty deceptive. On their own, just a salty squishy meat of unknown origins. So the final ingredient to these meats MUST be the sandwich, the combination of which unlocks, not really mind blowing flavor, but some, and fails to impress overall. But I think Eckrich has their mind right and I'm sure with time they'll figure out how to make this selection of meats a little more flavorful for their bacon loving demographic.

"Man Josh, did I make these sandwiches for breakfast? You look tired!"  Yes. Yes I did.
 I give these meats a C.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Totino's New Pizzeria Line: Cheesy Garlic, Chicken Parmesan and Meatball Marinara Rolls

I know we don't have a reputation for eating very fancy foods. Totino's Pizza Rolls are probably the lowest of the low in the stoner fat kid realm of snacks, but you know what? Even if we did review super fancy foods, that wouldn't change the fact that I love them. They're a classic snack, either baked and crispy, or my favorite- the lazy microwaved and gooey way. I only eat the cheese ones though, because the pepperoni ones just don't really taste like pepperoni, and the 3 meat ones taste an awful lot like poison. 

But the standard cheese ones... classic. 

So I was pretty psyched when I saw these:

Totino's hasn't innovated much. They came out with pizza chips awhile back, and they were so bad that I completely bailed on doing a review. They also came out with these, which we somehow forgot to review, even though I bought them and loved them:

mini review: these are awesome.

But Cheesy Garlic and Chicken Parm suddenly on the shelf at the same time? Sold. I didn't want to try the Meatball Marinara because I predicted they wouldn't be able to do the meatball flavor well enough and it wasn't worth buying 3 40-count bags of these. 

I went lazy style and microwaved a small plate of each:

cheesy garlic

chicken parm

and they were good. In fact, the Cheesy Garlic was so good that I decided to man up and spend the extra $3.49 to try all three, bake them fancy style, and review them like a boss. 

Although I clearly left them in too long, they were crisp and hot, just the way they're supposed to be, even if half the filling fell out. 


Cheesy Garlic:

These are AWESOME. I'm not that crazy for garlic either, so I can only imagine what kind of explosions happened in Josh's garlic-crazed brain when he bit into these. What rules about these is that the cheese is really liquidy- almost like a garlic butter cheese sauce. Even after sitting for several minutes, it stayed softer and more liquid than normal pizza rolls. They're super cheesy and the garlic is strong but not too strong. They leave a pretty gross aftertaste, but it doesn't matter- when you're eating these, all is right with the world. They really do taste a lot like very cheesy garlic bread. Maybe this is a new flavor craze?

Like Emma Stone, these get an easy A and I certainly hope these become a permanent addition to Totinoworld. 

Next up was Chicken Parmesan:

These, disappointingly to a chicken parm fan like me, aren't very good. The chicken or whatever Totino's is trying to convince me is chicken tastes like bad chicken, the cheese is ok but not very prevalent, and the sauce just completely misses the mark. It honestly tastes a lot more like a ketchup-based "dude I made sweet spaghetti sauce!" disaster your friend made or maybe even the sauce on Spaghettios. This all creates a very bland snack that just flat out doesn't taste like good chicken parm. I was most excited about these, and was left a sad, broken man. Shame. D-.

Would Meatball Marinara be any better?

Actually, yes. These ones surprised me, and I'm happy I took one for the team and ended up buying 120 pizza rolls for 1 review. The meat actually tastes and feels like meat- maybe not actual meatballs though... maybe just good hamburger. The sauce is good and works well with everything else- in fact, I wonder how differently I would feel about the chicken parm if this was the sauce instead of the ketchup they used in them. These need more cheese, but there is of course the option of just melting extra cheese all over these, so that's not really a problem. These aren't amazing, but they're good, and if you're a fan of Totino's Pizza Rolls and meatball marinara, then these are definitely worth trying.  B

The short version:

Chicken Parm: Bland disappointment that doesn't really taste like chicken parm. 
Meatball Marinara: They got it right, but probably only for big fans. 
Cheesy Garlic: If you like garlic or cheese based snacks and are someone who ever even considers buying Totino's products, get these immediately. Show them how much we all love them so they make them permanent and I can eat them forever. 

-review by Mike

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


I just did the math, and about 1/10th of our posts have been about Oreos. Sometimes we feel that we give too much attention to Oreo, but a food blog relies on innovation, and Oreo continues to step up to the challenge, never seeming to run out of flavors and variations. 

When I saw the title of this new kind, MEGA STUF OREOS, I actually laughed out loud in the store. It's just a regular Oreo with way more creme, so I wondered if something like that was even worth the review. Then I thought to myself, "dude, they're called MEGA STUF OREOS. How on earth could a blog called Fatguyfoodblog NOT review these?" So I bought some. And my life changed forever. 

First off, Oreo isn't messing around. These things are BIG. 

For some reason, they are lined up differently. I hope that becomes the way Oreo does things from here on out, because it's been much easier to get these out. I don't know what they were thinking with the old design. 
They are stacked in lines of 7. The Double Stuf bag used for comparison is 3 lines of 10. That's 21 to 30. That's 9 less Oreos in the Mega Stuf. That's nearly an entire row of regular Oreos that don't fit in the bag because of the sheer amount of creme in these. Of course, the layout could affect the overall numbers as well, but I'm choosing to believe (and not investigate further) the latter, because the creme theory just sits so much better with me.

In the interest of science, I've enclosed a diagram of the sizes of these. To the left is the original Oreo, which we refer to as Diet Oreos. In the middle is the "I'm a skinny wimp and there's too much frosting in these for me" style of Double Stuf Oreo, ignored by skinny wimps and preferred by people like us who like good things. To the right is the Mega Stuf Oreo, which is, frankly, almost comical in its comparative size. 

After further analysis, I started to wonder if what makes an Oreo a Mega Stuf Oreo is just a Double Stuf amount of creme mixed with a Diet Oreo's creme.

And it's pretty damn close. (left is Mega Stuf)

In fact, if you look at the creme closely, it even looks like these 2 amounts jammed together. 

This, of course, led to me thinking about the ultimate fat guy thing to do with Double Stuf Oreos...

And I wondered what that would look like with a Mega Stuf. 


So, after all this science, what is my conclusion? These Oreos rule. They've got a shit ton of Oreo creme in them- in fact, TOO much. Eating them the Oreo way is hard to do. It literally starts to feel disgusting just eating THAT much frosting. You definitely need the cookie to help. And even then, it verges very closely to too much. 

My line where something goes from delicious and awesome to "I'm sorry, it's just TOO much" is probably a lot farther up the scale than yours. And I'm saying these are arguably too much. So basically, these are only suitable for people manly enough to handle them. People who think Diet Oreos are better than Double Stuf: stay the hell away from these. These are for severely fat people, potheads, freshman in college and little kids who don't eat their vegetables and sneak snacks when their parents aren't looking. These are not for the common man. These are special.

Honestly, after having a Double Stuf, I think I may actually prefer that amount of creme, while reserving Mega Stuf for special occasions or the hilarity of acting like eating these somehow makes me tough. So technically, I shouldn't give these the greatest grade. BUT, that doesn't matter. These are the things we dream about, the things we try to create. These are literally a company going too far. They have a name as ridiculous as MEGA STUF. They deserve nothing more than the highest grade for their existence alone. I give these the only thing they deserve:



...and maybe even a redesigned package. 

-review by Mike

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

ON THE ROAD: Nardelli's Grinder Shoppe

One of the bennies of having a girlfriend who lives a 6-9 hour drive away, depending on traffic, is that I get to stop at what is probably my favorite sandwich shop. I've sampled a small arsenal of grinders they have to offer, and every single one of them has been absolutely stellar. So if you'd like to read a post kissing ass of a sandwich shop you'll probably never pass, proceed on, if not, may I suggest picking up a FGFB tee shirt from the link on the right with the time I've just saved you.

As an Italian grinder shoppe this place sings. Everything is made fresh and on hand, the displays of different salads, calzones, and cheeses is enough to bring a fat man to tears. They also boast a lobster bisque, which I'm told sells out within a few hours of them offering it. Every. Time. I suggest starting your Nardelli's experience correctly with an Italian combo. Pruzitini, capicola, salami, and provolone topped with diced veggies, tomatoes, lettuce, olives, mayo and hots on a freshly baked grinder roll. That's the sandwich that sold me on this place and I've never been disappointed. I often times go with the chicken salad when I come here, a sandwich that's probably heavier than most large deep dish pan pizzas.

So as a review for this place I decided to get a sandwich I often avoid to stay in favor with some kind of Italian theme, but hey, everyone in line snags this sandwich up, so I might as well pull the trigger.
This trip I went with a large buffalo chicken grinder with diced veggies, blue cheese, olives, hots, and provolone.

meal deal!

The chicken pieces they put in these sandwiches are huge, if not pretty. Biting into it for the first time reveals the freshness of the veggies, popped on top of it a strong classic olive taste, then in the background, comes rushing in the buffalo chicken.

As soon as the stage is set for the buffalo, the spiciness stays in your mouth, even after several swigs of soda and a few chips. After the next delicious bite you get to experience it all of again, but this time with the buffalo beginning, and ending, the sandwich. Like a grinder inside of a grinder. I tried for some Inception joke there, but I just couldn't hit anything solid.

Onto my gripes with the piece. That's right I call it a piece because we've transcended the realm of sandwich and into the realm of art. If Andy Warhol was still alive he'd produce a 7 hour continuous shot film of scantily clad men gyrating to images of this sandwich.

My problems are three fold. I realize that as a mere mortal man I have no business questioning what the Nardelli's God commands, but, I mean to deliver my people fire.....Prometheus reference on a food blog? You're welcome.

This thing should be COVERED in cheese, the way it stands now, they might as well offer it without it. There's so many other flavors and textures that the cheese is just lost.

 I wish it was slightly crispier, if only to break up the texture and separate it from the rest of the piece.

Hey I dig olives, but these take over the grinder. Just like a Greyjoy, they betrayed their adopted family who looked after them, raised them, and then took the grinder for themselves. (Hey season two ended a year ago)

So as a whole, I give this place nothing but my absolute highest regards. It's a shame what I chose to review ended up being slightly better than mediocre, but hey, it's an Italian grinder shop, not a seedy Greek pizza place owned by a sweaty opened shirt gold chained man who can barely speak English. Now that man, KNOWS how to make a buffalo chicken sub.
Maybe one of its other 7 locations in CT has one of these such fellows at the helm.
I give Nardelli's an A
The buff chik, a B-