BURGER KING: WHOPPERITO

Let's not fart around with this intro. BK deserves to take a royal walk of shame Cersei-style. And I'm just the Septa to take it on this stroll down shit avenue! No, it's not for sticking "-ito" on the end of "Whopper", although I do picture Peggy Olson crying into her pillow when I consider that marketing decision. It's for an offense much, much more serious than that.

WHERE ARE MY WHOPPER DOGS?!

Of course we know from the commercials the King is a diabolical sociopath, but this is some next level fuckery.

On the heels of the dismal review I had assigned to the Extra-Long Buttery Cheeseburger, I turned around and awarded the Whopper Dog an A+, the only item I've given that grade to in nearly a year of fair and balanced food-bloggery. And then, just before I could have a second bite, the King slapped it out of my hands and the Whopper Dog bit the dust.

DAMN IT, KING! YOU HAD JUST GOTTEN OUT OF THE DOG HOUSE THEN YOU KICKED THE DOG OUT AND HEADED STRAIGHT BACK IN!

And as an extra flick in the nads, they left the regular grilled dog and chili cheese dog on the menu- they cut out Clint Eastwood and left us with The Bad and The Ugly!

            

Now, they roll out this so-called WHOPPERITO, just to rub salt in my wounds, and presumably some cumin and oregano as well.

Alright, alright. I've had my druthers and settled down a bit. To be honest, I was really quite excited to try out the Whopperito, but obviously the Whopper Dog left some big shoes to fill.

Basically, what I was picturing was the BK version of the McDonald's cheeseburger snack wrap from five years ago. Remember those little guys, before they came out with the whole big "healthy" McWrap with like cucumbers and fancy leaves and stuff? If I remember correctly, the first generation had three options: cheeseburger, and chicken (crispy/grilled). The chicken ones were legit, which led to its natural evolution, the aforementioned McWrap, but the cheeseburger one? All they did was take the contents of a McDouble and put them in a tortilla! Then they started getting real goofy about it- they did the Mac Wrap, the Angus Wrap, the Wrapper's Delight... it was a dark period of McDonalds history I refer to as to the Wrapture.

The Whopperito's promo picture had also left some ambiguity about what I was getting myself into. The white onions kind of looked like mayo, the tomatoes like ketchup, the cheese like mustard. And it gave no indication of the size. So I bought two, fully expecting to woof the little guy down in a few bites. 

DIOS MIO

Look at the size of this lump! This is exactly what my stomach would've looked like if BK had left the Whopper Dogs on the menu, stretch marks and all! And for $2.99?! Fair trade!

                                                 

I was immediately pleased at the first bite- nothing here but greasy ground beef accompanied by the strong taste of chili powder, which is pretty much how I make my burritos at home. My second bite revealed some crunchy white shit and some soggy red shit, which did more to vary the texture rather than the flavor, but there was bit of crunchy green shit that stood out (and it sure as shit wasn't lettuce). 

PICKLES

I don't know why, but I thought these pickles worked wonderfully- they cut through the single-note spicy beef flavor like Valyrian steel. Swing away, King Robert Burgeratheon! 

One minor goof here is a lack of sour cream. The spicy flavor comes from a condiment BK refers to as "creamy spicy sauce", but the former descriptor is severely lacking. I think there should be something else in the mix here besides the pickles to keep this beefy spice wad from being too uniform. Also, I didn't detect enough of that smokey chemical flavor to justify putting the word "Whopper" anywhere near this. On a side note, It'd be a neat experiment to try one of these with BK's stacker sauce instead of the creamy spicy one.

But all in all... crawl on out of the dog house, King. You can ride this review all the way back to the castle, because I'm giving you a B+. This spicy meat pocket (my nickname in HS) comes at a great price and its minor flaws could easily be covered up with a sour cream packet. Anybody hear ringing? Sounds like the Taco Bell death knell to me.

Review by Davos Sl33zworth

Yo! Wanna get at your favorite Food Blog Fat Guys? Want to us to review your favorite snack? Have suggestions for a more topical set of references?

If your answer is yes to any of the first two questions,
here's how you can reach us:

TWITTER

FACEBOOK

INSTAGRAM

EMAIL

Come take a ride on the Deep River! It's the five chip mega-review! Ninja Ginger, Zesty Jalapeno & more!

Whenever I'd sitting around with fellow food bloggers, talking shop, and the conversation steers itself towards chips, I never fail to bring up one of my favorites of all time. Aged Cheddar Horseradish kettle chips from Deep River Snacks. When I bring them up I'm often met with blank stares or some nonsense about how they don't like horseradish. Doesn't matter. I'm already wishing I had a bag of them. They are so damn good! The most intense horseradish chips around, with a great sharp cheddar added taste. So let me tell you, when I got a box in the mail from the folks at Deep River, I was pumped to see what they were rolling out as some new offerings. 

So let's jump right in. First up? Three flavors of HONCHOS! 

One thing you gotta know about Deep River Snacks is their tag line, "because we give a chip!" They really do! It shows when you take a look at the bag and see these chips are made with 99% Organic ingredients, are gluten free, and contain no GMOs. All good stuff. But let's face it, we're here to talk about taste! We've all had the nacho cheese tortilla chip. Doritos are the king of that realm and it seems every chip company at one point or another tries to crack the code of what makes them so damn delicious. Nacho Cheese Honchos will not knock Doritos from that throne, but they are a decent healthier option.

The chip definitely has a bit of a crunchier feel to it and the flavor itself it good, I just felt like they needed maybe twice as much flavor dust. Maybe three times. It definitely feels like they didn't try to mimic the Dorito flavor, they just made their own version of a classic. Similar, but different. 

Next up, RANCH HONCHOS! 

The bag of Ranch Honchos has a picture of a hand holding up one of the chips. When you look at it, it appears to be blasted with flavor dust. So I had high hopes that perhaps Ranch Honchos wouldn't fall victim to the same issues as Nacho Cheese Honchos. Sadly, my friends, this is not the case.

Ranch Honchos taste good, but there's just not enough flavor on them. Look at those chips there. They look like someone licked all the flavor off of them and put them back in the bag. That's not how you want your chips to look, even when you are opting for the healthier option. Sadly, Ranch Honchos aren't anything special. 

Next up is the flavor I was dreading the most. Peach Habanero Honchos. I'm a wimp about hot stuff. Habanero is usually something I steer clear of. I like a little burn, but I don't like it to stick around. I prefer flavor over heat and so I was not pumped about trying these, but my duty is to the readers! 

I bet you're reading this thinking, "Man, Rich starts out by telling us that these guys have one of his favorite chips and then he just starts crapping all over Honchos." You're just expecting me to dislike these too, right? Well you are wrong as hell! Peach Habanero Honchos are fantastic. From the pictures they look like they suffer from not enough flavor, but I will tell you that is not the case. These burst with sweet peach flavor at first, and the quick blast of salt from the big chunks on the chips. But then a burn begins to build. Being a wimp about hot stuff, I have to say, after eating a bunch I had to take a break to let my mouth cool down. But then I went back for more. 

This is one example where the flavor is not diminished at all by the heat. You get a sweet and salty flavor blast followed by the heat. These chips take you on a flavor ride through so many different areas that your brain won't know what to do. But take that ride, and ride it to the very end. You won't regret it. If you're more of a wimp to spicy things than I am, you might want to steer clear. Peach Habanero Honchos don't mess around when it comes to big flavor and a steady burn! 

Next up, a bag of chips that won me over with it's name before I even took a bite, limited edition Ninja Ginger! 

Yes, it's true. Before I tasted one of these chips I was already imagining how I could spin this review to talk about ninjas. Why? Well, because, if you were like me, a guy growing up in the 80's and 90's ninjas have not only always been a part of your life, but they were always cool. You grew up pretending to be a ninja on the playground. Then, as you start to gobble up cartoons and movies, you realize that ninjas are usually the faceless bad guys that they feed to the hero in great numbers to help him kick serious ass. But they are STILL cool and mysterious and if you name a snack food after a silent assassin who can wield any number of martial arts weapons, I'll buy it every time.

These have a flavor EXPLOSION! Also...the movie Ninja Assassin rules.

But could any chip live up to a name that cool? Let me tell you, if someone came up to me and said, "hey, want to try these ginger flavored potato chips?" I would instantly say no. It's just not a flavor I would imagine wanting on a chip. But when presented as Ninja Ginger, I wanted to try them so bad I nearly tore the bag in half. The verdict? They are awesome.

Right off the bat they are on the winning side by being on the ever fantastic Deep River Kettle Cooked chips. Crunchy and thick, I'm not sure any chip does the kettle chip as good as Deep River. The Ginger flavor is wonderful. It's not overpowering, but there's a lot of great flavor going on here. They are sweet, but also there's a great mixture of spices going on. Then, after all that, your taste buds get assaulted with a slow burn. The more you eat, they more that burn intensifies.

The bottom line here is that this is one ninja you DO want to scuffle with. They are limited edition so who knows when they will stop making them! Scoop up a bag the next time you see them and you won't be sorry!

Last but not least... Zesty Jalapeno!

This is another time I was dreading a chip and found myself pleasantly surprised. I think I have to change my old song and dance about spicy things. These were excellent. Thick, salty kettle chips that have a great jalapeno pepper flavor before the heat ever hits. I was surprised to find that they only have four ingredients!  Potatoes, Sunflower oil, Jalapeno chili pepper and salt. That's it!

I'll warn you though, these are definitely spicy right out the gate. But these more than any of the others got hotter as you went. There were a few times I had to put the bag down and walk around sucking cold air in through my pursed lips. Exclaiming to whoever would listen that my mouth was on fire. With most chips that would be the end of it for me. But with these, once the burn calmed, I found myself going back for more. Compared to the greasiness of some chips, I felt like these were a whole different animal. You could taste that they aren't loaded with gross random chemicals.

Zesty Jalapeno aren't a flavor I thought I would be into in a million years, but I was. Great flavor, minimal ingredients, thick kettle cut chips, and a serious burn, make these chips all around fantastic.

Let's review:
Nacho Cheese Honchos: Add three times as much flavor dust and we'll talk. D
Ranch Honchos: These might need four times as much flavor dust. D
Peach Habanero Honchos: Flavorful and hot! Damn good! B+
Ninja Ginger: Bad ass name and an even more bad ass flavored chip? A
Zesty Jalapeno: Surprisingly delicious with a steady burn! A-

In closing, I'm excited I got to try these flavors from Deep River Snacks. These guys take some chances on crazy flavors and have been putting out great chips for a long time. Their Aged Cheddar Horseradish and Sweet Maui Onion are some of the best chips on the shelves. Give them a try!

Check out their website for more info!
https://deepriversnacks.com/

Review by Rich Brunelle, who currently resides in Seattle, where he tries his damnedest to leave the city whenever humanly possible to escape into the wilderness.

Yo! Wanna get at your favorite Food Blog Fat Guys? Want us to review your stuff? Have some ideas for reviews? Want to be the one to tell us about the newest kind of Oreos/chips/ice cream/Fast food thingy? Want to send us pictures of your dog? Would you like to sponsor a post?

Well, here's how you can reach us:
TWITTER
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
EMAIL

M&M's have gone nuts! THREE NEW FLAVORS: Honey Nut, Coffee Nut, and Chili Nut!

I've never shied away from trying a new flavor of any candy. Sure, there's some that end up not being very good. But in the end I will always try anything once, even if it's a flavor I might expect to not like. Never before has that been more true than with the three new flavors of M&M's. All three are new takes on the classic Peanut M&M but you can vote online for which of the three will stick around. The flavors? Honey Nut (Sounds fun!), Coffee Nut (Oooh interesting), and...Chili Nut (Wait...what? Who would want...ugh seriously?...). But as a member of the most kick ass food blog on the entire Internet, it's my duty. So let's do this! Three new kinds of M&M's in one review! 

First up, Coffee Nut! Living in Seattle, I take my coffee pretty seriously. I drink about a pot a day and don't feel bad about it. Even when I'm so jittery that I feel like I'm shaking more than the meth-head I passed on my way back from the store today. The price you pay, son! Judging these by the evidence given, I was expecting them to just taste like a peanut M&M with an added fake coffee taste, and you know what? That's exactly what they are.

They chose an earthy brown color scheme for these and it fits them nicely. You can't have bright colors when you're trying to taste like coffee. In the end these aren't bad, but they also aren't anything I would freak out about. It might have been cool for them to smash up espresso beans in the chocolate for a SERIOUS coffee flavor. I almost said swap out the peanut for an espresso bean, but you know what? Is that ever good? Flavor-wise, yeah, but then you're left with a mouth full of espresso bean debris for the next hour. So, no, that's not a good idea at all.

If you're a fan of coffee flavored things and Peanut M&M's like I am, these are a pleasant little treat, but not good enough to get my vote for one that needs to stick around in their usual lineup. 

Next up? HONEY NUT! 

When I ripped open the package of these I was really hoping that the gimmick here would be that the peanut inside would be a honey roasted peanut. Seems like that would make sense, right? How else would you change a regular peanut M&M into a Honey Nut M&M? Well...apparently they had other ideas. It's just a regular peanut. At first these seems to be...regular peanut M&M's. Perhaps if I was some chump off the street I would believe that. But you see, my taste buds are honed to superhuman levels so I did detect an added honey flavor and sweetness. But having to try this hard to taste a flavor reminded me of when we reviewed Birthday Cake M&Ms...

There is honey flavor here, and I can't for the life of me tell if it's in the candy shell or the chocolate. But either way, it's way too faint. While I enjoy the yellow and black coloring and what honey flavor they do have, I really think if they had combined whatever they have already done, with making the peanut a honey roasted peanut, these might have been a home run. Still enjoyable, but missed potential!

Now comes the one I was dreading out of the three...Chili Nut M&M's!

I popped two of these in my mouth and chewed them up and had a split second where I said, "Hmm...these might not be that bad." Then the spice started to burn a little. These are basically spicy peanut M&Ms. The peanut isn't a chili peanut or anything. They just have chili spice mixed in. At first I tossed the package aside in disgust. Spicy M&M's! Who would want that?! Gross!

But then something happened...

As the spiciness on my tongue started to go away my brain presented the question, "Well...why not spicy peanut M&Ms?" It's true. I've had chocolates that were slightly spicy before that ended up being pretty tasty. While it's not the first flavor I would navigate towards when looking for a sweet treat, is it so bad? To find out, I decided to eat the entire package.

I thought I would hate these. So much that I did at first. But then as I ate more, they were kind of a fun take on a classic. The spice definitely builds. So once you put down a handful of them you have a pretty solid burn going. Keep in mind I'm a level 27 wimp when it comes to spicy stuff. I enjoy a burn here and there if the flavor is good enough along with it, but really spicy stuff, I only eat on a dare. But these aren't terrible. The classic crunch of the peanut and candy shell together take on a whole different importance when coupled with a spicy burn. They go together quite well and the sweetness and creaminess of the chocolate eases it a little bit.

In the end if I had to vote for a favorite of the three, I supposed it would be the Honey Nut, which is kind of disappointing because while they are good they could have been awesome. Are they worth a try? Absolutely. The Coffee Nut are also pretty good but the coffee flavor seemed to get more fake with the more I ate. They are all cool and interesting enough to scoop up a pack just to try them. Even if you are unsure about the Chili Nut, If you are into spicy stuff at all, give them a whirl and you might be surprised like I was!

Click the pic below to vote for whichever flavor you think is best!

Need to email us and let us know how much we rock? Do you want us to try your product? Perhaps looking for advice on how to step up dinner tonight? Want us to peep your dick pics? Here's how to reach us online:
Email: Fatguyfoodblog@gmail.com
Facebook: facebook.com/fatguyfoodblog
Twitter: @fatguyfoodblog
Instagram: @fatguyfoodblog

Review by Rich, who currently hunts M&M's in Seattle, Washington when he's not hunting for the real life Superhero known as Phoenix Jones.

Feel the burn! Poppin' Jalapeno Doritos!

What's your favorite flavor of Dorito? Everyone has one. Some people like to rock the Cool Ranch. Others keep it simple and roll with the original, Nacho Cheese. Over the years Doritos have added a bunch of other flavors to their stable. Some as permanent fixtures, like Spicy Sweet Chili, and Spicy Nacho, and others as special limited time offers, like Black Pepper Jack and Pizza Supreme.  Doritos have remained one of the biggest selling snack chips year after year by keeping the classics around, but also trying out something new quite often. Well, that and they usually have ridiculous over the top commercials.  

Well before our boy Mike rode off into the sunset and left the world of food blogging behind, he instilled in me a strong love for Spicy Nacho Doritos. I stand firm that those are my favorite. But that belief has since been shaken. By new Poppin' Jalapeno Doritos. Yup. Right out the gate I'm letting you know that they are that damn good.

With Spicy Nacho, I love that you still get your intense Dorito cheese flavor, but along with it you get a slow burn that steadily builds the more you eat. After a while your tongue is on fire, but it's a flavorful fire that you've earned through ripping through half a bag of chips. Well Poppin' Jalapeno are exactly the same, except with an added jalapeno pepper flavor, and just a little bit more of a burn.

So yeah, these are basically jalapeno popper Dortitos. Cheesy, pepper flavors and a nice burn. I also noticed that there were more chips in this bag that seemed to be heavily blasted with the flavor dust than usual. If you're like me, whenever I'm eating a Dorito, no matter what the flavor, I always like getting the ones that seem to have extra Dorito dust. They are the diamonds in the rough. You spy one down in the bag and your fingers descend into the darkness like the robotic arm on an aquatic sub trying to carefully collect a sample from the ocean floor. And when you raise it up and the Dorito is caked with flavor, you smile, because you know it's going to be awesome.  There were a ton of those in this one small bag that I had! By the time I polished it off I had a solid mouth burn going. You know, the good kind!

Poppin' Jalapeno Doritos are great. If you're into a solid tongue burn and a heavy amount of cheesy pepper flavor, you will dig these. I have yet to see a big bag of these so I'm going to go ahead and say they don't exist. I could be wrong! If I am, drop some comment knowledge on me. But then drop everything else and go get a bag of these. Heck, get ten. Buy the store out of their stock, because once these are gone, they are gone...well...unless Doritos decides to add them to the regular rotation. Which I heavily endorse. Poppin' Jalapeno Doritos get an A+, the highest FGFB rating! BOOM!

Wanna know where to find the FATGUYFOODBLOG Crew online? Wanna write to us to tell us we suck? That we're gods among men? Do you want us to review your product? Here's how you can get ahold of us:
EMAIL: fatguyfoodblog@gmail.com
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/fatguyfoodblog
TWITTER: twitter.com/fatguyfoodblog
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/fatguyfoodblog

Review by Rich Brunelle, who currently resides in Seattle where he stalks the streets in search of Phoenix Jones, in hopes of becoming his superhero sidekick.

Nashville Hot Chicken from KFC!

The birth of Nashville Hot Chicken is a spicy and sordid tale. According to legend, a woman, fed up with her boyfriend’s philandering ways, liberally dosed a fried chicken breast teeming with extra hot peppers. She coyly fed it to him- I assume to see his face explode in red with cartoonish steam pouring from his ears. Instead, he fell in love with it and opened his own hot chicken restaurants. (Thanks Wikipedia.) 

Nashville Hot Chicken is no joke. It’s so hot and spicy you’ll need constant breaks, a clump of moist towelettes, and a partner to wipe the perspiration from your Steven Avery levels of sweat accumulating on your brow. It’s that good hurt. It’s a feat of strength. So how did KFC’s new “Nashville Hot Chicken” compare against the legend?

Not well. I could’ve guessed because the masses aren’t ready for that level of heat. Nice try, KFC, but without lard as an ingredient, it will never compare. 

This is why I don't go to Yahoo for food reviews.

The hype was building. I perused the flyer and started salivating. KFC was telling me that I would soon be tasting some next-level heat. 

Not a legally binding warning label...

I went with the 3 piece chicken fingers meal that also included a biscuit and a side of slaw . At $5.49 the value ain’t bad. They’ll sub the slaw for another side but I kept it to battle the incoming heat that never materialized. I know I’ve been critical up to this point, but overall the meal was tasty and satisfying. The spices they used just weren’t strong enough on the Scoville test, but the chicken was perfectly done. The skin stayed crunchy even after being slathered in the sweet and spicy sauce. The chicken was tender. The biscuit was flaky and made a perfect vessel for ½ a finger. 

There was a moment there where I thought I was in trouble. Sweat started accumulating but quickly subsided after a gulp of water. 

Extreme close up!

Even though the KFC attempt at Nashville Hot Chicken couldn’t live up to the original, it was a valiant? attempt that resulted in something delicious. I dug the sweet/smoky/spicy flavor of the chicken. It elevated the chicken finger to something much better. The accompanying slaw, biscuit, and potato wedges (with ranch dressing, natch) were also enjoyable. 

This got me thinking, what’s the spiciest fast food item you’ve ever eaten? Comment below. Now. 

Review by Mark!

Looking to get ahold of the Fatguyfoodblog Crew? Want us to review your product? Have a good idea for a restaurant we can visit? Want to send us cute pictures of puppies? NICE. Here's how you can reach us: 

EMAIL: fatguyfoodblog@gmail.com

TWITTER: @fatguyfoodblog

FACEBOOK: facebook.com/fatguyfoodblog

INSTAGRAM: @fatguyfoodblog