Burger King's Mac n' Cheetos

Cheetos Puffs are my favorite chip. Although they're not actually a chip, are they? Are they a puff? That doesn't sound right either, although it's right there in the title. Let's call it a snack food-they are a food to snack on. Yes, Cheetos Puffs are my all-time favorite snack food. After the initial crunch of the Puff, they magically melt in your mouth. Leftover synthetic "cheese" dust envelops your fingers afterward. Go ahead, lick those fingers, you've earned it. The gaudy orange cheddar coloring and chemically induced cheesy flavor results in a transcendent experience. I love them.

Pretty much

I'm all for using the Puffs in unintended ways. I've used it as breading for fish and chicken more than once-definitely try this, they mush easily into powder. Taco Bell did the same thing with Doritos and the Locos Tacos. I've eaten several sandwiches topped with Red Hot Riplets-a fiery St. Louis delicacy. Adding snack foods to a dish works. It adds a little crunch and some extra flavor.

How did Burger King mess up deep-fried, Cheetoh Puff-crusted mac and cheese sticks?? Let's start with their appearance. In the print ads, they resemble your normal Cheetos Puff. Yum. Sign me up. As you can see, though, Mac n' Cheetos resemble bright orange clown turds. Unappetizing visual for sure, but I can move past that. These sausage-sized Donald Trump digits were quite hefty when picked up, and the promise of oozing cheesy pasta was almost too much to bare.

At this point, I was still excited. I was expecting that initial Puff crunch followed by a satisfying mac and cheese bite. Alas, the reality of BK's latest abomination-I'm looking at you black Halloween burger-did not line up with my expectations.

                                                              Paper tray liner = annoying 

It was squishy. Not squeaky like a cheese curd. Squishy like a used diaper. Despite that, I'm eager to try it-Cheetos are my crack! I bit into one and a wave of nostalgia hit me. The Mac n' Cheetos transported me to my parochial school cafeteria. Shuffling along in line, culottes up to my belly button, mouth salivating for the promise of some dino-shaped chicken nugs-it was all there, a bona fide time warp. I wish the flavor could've matched up with my nostalgia and my expectations. These little cheese sticks tasted like grade school cafeteria food. The macaroni inside was creamy, but it was also mushy and flavorless.On top of that, there was minimal Cheetoh Puff flavor. The taste was akin to a french fry-not a bad thing at all, but I was promised cheese dust!!

                                             

Burger King is having a dissociative personality meltdown. They're trying to ape the Bell with their slew of novelty items. That's not a problem, except they don't do it well. Be yourself BK, embrace your 2nd tier status and cook us something totally outrageous. Just make it edible.

Burger King's Mac n' Cheetos get a C for being more disappointing than Batman v. Superman.
Review by Mark

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Cold Stone Creamery's New Blueberry Donut Shake!

Cold Stone doesn’t get the respect it deserves. With so many options it gets lost in the shuffle.  Did you know you can get a funnel cake topped with ice cream there? Perhaps you’d be interested in a Churro Caramel CraveTM  instead?? Into dad jokes and bad puns? Try the Cookie Dougn’t You Want Some or The Pie Who Loved Me. They’re nothing if not creative. Which brings me to their newest delicious creation.

I’ve dipped French fries in milk shakes and blended full cake slices with milk shakes. I’ve stirred around bowls of ice cream until they transform into a warm shake. But never have I ever replaced the traditional, and now passé, cherry on top WITH A FULL FREAKING DOUGHNUT.

I tip my hat to the gluttonous culinary artist that devised this creation. Bravo. 

Yes, that’s approximately ¾ of a blueberry donut used as a garnish. And it is beautiful. I dipped mine in the whipped cream and it right off the bat as an appetizer. The donut, while not super fresh, was still tasty. I scarfed it down quickly so the freshness/flavor wasn’t really a factor. The shake itself was perfectly sweet, creamy, and rich. The handful of blueberries added a burst of fresh flavor and made it healthy?

Cold Stone’s new Blueberry Donut Shake is a marvel and definitely worth a trip. They nailed the blueberry doughnut flavor. How about a chocolate cake donut flavor next?

I award an A for having a delectable viscosity and for being healthy (because of the blueberries?)
For more on this and all the other incredible items you can find at Cold Stone Creamery, check out their website HERE!

This review was by Mark Sauer!

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Pizza Hut BACON STUFFED CRUST PIZZA!

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. The deep thoughts were brought on by eating Pizza Hut’s Bacon Stuffed (stuft?)Crust Pizza. Swirling around my head have been thoughts on other bacon stuffed foods. I’ve indulged in bacon-laden cinnamon rolls, bacon-gorged cheeseburgers, and bacon-infused soda. Did the addition of greasy pork morsels improve these foods, I asked myself. I then realized that there were in fact stupid questions, despite what my teachers always told me.  Swine makes everything better and you should never question that.


Pizza Hut has been a love it or hate it chain for years, but I urge you to check them out if it’s been a while. They’re no longer the oily and indigestion-causing pizza chain. That honor now goes to Domino’s. How have they improved? They’ve added a plethora of ways to customize your pie-from garlic butter or pretzel crusts to white or buffalo sauces to a few new toppings. For me, it’s all about that balsamic drizzle at the end. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out Hut’s intuitive online pizza ordering system. The future is now!

Back on track. Thank you, Pizza Hut. After several depressing months of uninspired offerings from my favorite chains, the Hut goes ahead and appeals to my most depraved instincts by impregnating their new crust with cheese and bacon. They’ve done this before, but not with Applewood Smoked Bacon; they used regular Hardwood Smoked Bacon. We can all agree that there’s a major difference in the smoking process? Ok, I couldn’t tell the difference, it tasted like bacon and that’s all that matters.

If you’re one of those obnoxious people who doesn’t eat their crust, this ain’t the pizza for you. To make room for all the fatty goodness PH had to increase the crust size. Simple physics. The good news for those loathsome crust-chuckers is that the new crust resembles buttery Bosco sticks as opposed to dried out bread heels. And you can add RANCH flavor to them. RANCH.

That’s grilled chicken and cherry peppers on my creation. The chicken tastes like actual chicken, not that rubbery crap you find occasionally. The peppers surprised me with a blast of sweet heat and added another layer to the flavor profile. To the newbies, that’s the balsamic drizzle, which adds a tangy/sweet flavor. My only qualm about this pizza is that it drooped in the middle, so a fold was in order. Not sure if they didn’t cook quite long enough or the amount of toppings made it sloppy, but this was a messy pizza.

The crust was phenomenal. Like I said before, they were like cheesy, bacon-y, ranch flavored breadsticks-and they’re attached to a pizza! I was expecting the cheese to ooze and/or stretch , but just like the disappointing Quesarito-no stretchy cheese!-the cheese was just kind of there. But it was melted nicely and added even more satisfying texture and flavor to the pizza. The bacon was in bit form, perhaps a bit chunkier, but still had a strong bacon flavor.
I was already a fan of Pizza Hut and their endless customization and drizzle options. Their decadent new crust just gave me another reason to splurge.


Slight droop and messy pizza with tons of flavor and satisfying melted cheese and bacon equals: A-

Review by Mark!

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Burger King: The Angriest of all Whoppers

Burger King released a black-bunned Halloween-themed burger last year. It gained notoriety after people started dropping bright green deuces. It became a bowel movement badge of honor to try this burger. Think about that for a moment. People were buying this Whopper to see how it looked the next day. Great marketing tactic, BK!

I’m sad to report that the new bright red Burger King Angriest Whopper bun does not cause turd tinting. This is not as big of a letdown as the burger itself.

Full disclosure: I had to get some liquid courage before this review due to my general dislike of BK. I do promise that this is an objective review.

Burger King mindgames

I ripped into the bag (possible red poo, remember) and was immediately disappointed. I ordered the large fry and this was a medium at best. BK fries are some of the worst but can easily be improved with salt and ranch. On to the main event!

WOW! Looks exactly like the promo pics!

According to BK’s website, The Angriest Whopper consists of savory flame-grilled beef, piled high with thick-cut bacon, American cheese, iceberg lettuce, tomatoes, angry onion petals, jalapenos, creamy mayonnaise and spicy angry sauce all layered between a red bun that has hot sauce baked in. YUM!!! 

Yes, that is a red-bun

The Whopper is a decent fast food burger. It’s got the nostalgia factor but hasn’t really changed in decades. Enter the Angriest Whopper. First impressions, it’s a mess. There was too much going on. The pissed off onion petals were chewy and most definitely not freshly fried. No heat. The lettuce was limp and pointless. Same with the tomato. They forgot the “angry sauce.” The jalapenos added some heat, natch, but were right out the can. Some fresh ones would’ve done wonders. The bacon was decent and had a nice crisp. The massive globs of mayo were a bit much for this guy, but the American cheese added a nice flavor and was melted perfectly.

I can’t get over how this looks 100% like the pics from the website

And how about that novelty bright red bun with hot sauce BAKED RIGHT IN?? It tasted just like a regular bun. I even isolated a morsel to make it more scientific of a process. Not hot, not even Gringo hot. Straight up Whopper bun. 

Burger King is as royal as King Joffrey, nay, Prince Robin of the Vale-I’m way too excited about season 6 of Game of Thrones. Anyways, I’ll gladly stick with BK for their satisfying and greasy breakfast menu but you’re killin me with these garbage burgers.

I give the “Angriest Whopper” a C for only truly being a little miffed, not Hulk-angry, as I was promised. -Mark

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Lay’s Flavor Swap: Smoked Gouda and Chive vs. Korean BBQ Chips!

Thank you Lay’s. Thank you for the addictive Bacon Mac and Cheese and Truffle Fries flavors. The Biscuits and Gravy and Chicken and Waffles flavors roused taste buds I never knew I had. But for every triumph like Cheesy Garlic Bread-drool-there’s been a few misfires.

How Cheesy Garlic Bread Chips make me feel.

The Gyro chip tasted like regurgitated Arby’s sandwiches. Did you try the Crunch Sauerkraut, wait, nope, I meant the Reuben? Unappetizing.  And don’t get me started on the Kim and Kanye flavor. Repulsive.

Because of the ingenuity and forward thinking in the Lay’s development department, I’m always game to try their new flavors. We also need to give props to their marketing team for rolling out new flavors in a deathmatch competition that’s sure to end in a bloodbath. Instead of introducing four new flavors, Lay’s is making four old chips battle four new ones. To the winner goes an eternal position in the chip aisle. So, how do some of these fried potato slices taste?

Lay's Chips Deathmatch Roster!

First up were the Korean BBQ.

When I think Korean BBQ I think YES. NOW. It’s so savory and succulent and always provides a good reason to binge eat. I think of the combination of soy sauce, pepper, honey and onion. They made a chip that tasted like loaded potato skins so why not Korean BBQ? Unfortunately, this flavor fizzled. The smell was right-just like a pork spare rib-but this chip tasted like an ordinary BBQ chip. It was bland. Muted. A flop. Honey BBQ wins.

Full disclosure, I had some of my students help me with the taste testings...

Next up, the Smoked Gouda and Chive.

Rousey vs. Holm. Palpatine vs. Yoda. Smoked Gouda vs. Cheddar and Sour Cream?

Gouda is one of my top 7 favorite cheeses. It’s smoky and creamy and pairs well with my mouth. Lay’s nailed those exact attributes-they had a velvety and smoky taste with the added funk of some chives. They were satisfying. Better than the venerable Cheddar and Sour Cream though? That’s a tall order. I’d say simultaneous knockout. They’re both winners.

Final decision: While neither of these new flavors were as awe-inspiring as some of the previous offerings, the Smoked Gouda and Chives was a worthy opponent to its competitor. Skip the Korean BBQ and head to your nearest K-BBQ restaurant.

Smoked Gouda and Chives: B+
Korean BBQ: C-

Review by Mark!

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¿Como se llama? It's the New Taco Bell Quesalupa!

Taco Bell’s been teasing a new item for months. We heard it would be revolutionary. Would it be as profound as the Doritos Locos Tacos? Is that even possible? A deep fried, Cheetos Cheddar Jalapeno crusted burrito??? (sadly, no, but Taco Bell chefs, I have more ideas, reach out to me.) Who would the new debutante be? You’ve probably heard by now it’s the Quesalupa, a chalupa and quesadilla love child. Maybe the worst kept secret in fast food news this year. Either way, I was excited to taste the new creation. Here’s what it’s supposed to look like:

Look at that cheese stretch

I admit, I was looking forward to breaking open that bag o’ quesalupa and making an edible cheesy rubberband. That’s what the ads showed so it must be true. The Bell also describes it as a…”beautiful, chewy Chalupa shell on the outside, with delicious pepper jack cheese baked right inside the shell. Majestic, melty cheese stuffed inside the shell. A cheesy shell…” Note how many times they used the word “cheesy.”

The anticipation was building. It was tough not ripping into the bag, especially since I’d been fasting all day-only one lunch and 2-5 snacks. ½ a donut.

Quit teasing me, bag!

Rifling through the bag, I set aside the Sriracha Chicken Crunchwrap Slider, Spicy Soft Potato Taco, and the Chipotle Chicken Loaded Griller to get to the main prize. Before I pulled out the black foil-wrapped Q-Loop I could smell it: a distinct fried dough and grease smell. Needless to say, this is an exquisite smell. I am literally drooling on my plate; it’s good living alone. I carefully unwrapped the sultry temptress, inhaled that deep-fried scent, then set it down in admiration. The Q-Lupa container cradled its package lovingly. At this point, I needed to take a deep breath. Tonight was the night.

It was finally time to crack that baby open and bathe in the deluge of gooey cheese. The shell was dense with grease but still slightly crunchy. I gingerly split it open. THE CHEESE DID NOT STRETCH. Monumental disappointment. I inspected the shell further and searched for the cheese. There was a piddly amount and at first I thought maybe they forget an ingredient, like when they forgot the quesadilla portion of a Quesarita I ate some months back. Researched it a bit further and I was correct, the cheese was baked right there in the shell. That’s the last time I trust a fast food ad. You’ve screwed me over for the last time.

Measly amount of promised cheese notwithstanding, the Quesalupa was satisfying. It tasted like some solid street food, if the street food vendor had been taken over by a fast food company. It tasted like ½ the food at TB-not a bad thing-but not radical like the Doritos Locos line of tacos. The familiar lettuce, cheddar, sour cream, and bland chicken combo is still killer, but I was hoping for something more elevated. And for $2.99 the value simply isn’t there. You’re better off getting the superior and cheesier Quesarita.

Whomp

With the absence of cheese, high price point, and familiar taste,

 I give Taco Bell’s Quesalupa a C+.
-Mark 

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Nashville Hot Chicken from KFC!

The birth of Nashville Hot Chicken is a spicy and sordid tale. According to legend, a woman, fed up with her boyfriend’s philandering ways, liberally dosed a fried chicken breast teeming with extra hot peppers. She coyly fed it to him- I assume to see his face explode in red with cartoonish steam pouring from his ears. Instead, he fell in love with it and opened his own hot chicken restaurants. (Thanks Wikipedia.) 

Nashville Hot Chicken is no joke. It’s so hot and spicy you’ll need constant breaks, a clump of moist towelettes, and a partner to wipe the perspiration from your Steven Avery levels of sweat accumulating on your brow. It’s that good hurt. It’s a feat of strength. So how did KFC’s new “Nashville Hot Chicken” compare against the legend?

Not well. I could’ve guessed because the masses aren’t ready for that level of heat. Nice try, KFC, but without lard as an ingredient, it will never compare. 

This is why I don't go to Yahoo for food reviews.

The hype was building. I perused the flyer and started salivating. KFC was telling me that I would soon be tasting some next-level heat. 

Not a legally binding warning label...

I went with the 3 piece chicken fingers meal that also included a biscuit and a side of slaw . At $5.49 the value ain’t bad. They’ll sub the slaw for another side but I kept it to battle the incoming heat that never materialized. I know I’ve been critical up to this point, but overall the meal was tasty and satisfying. The spices they used just weren’t strong enough on the Scoville test, but the chicken was perfectly done. The skin stayed crunchy even after being slathered in the sweet and spicy sauce. The chicken was tender. The biscuit was flaky and made a perfect vessel for ½ a finger. 

There was a moment there where I thought I was in trouble. Sweat started accumulating but quickly subsided after a gulp of water. 

Extreme close up!

Even though the KFC attempt at Nashville Hot Chicken couldn’t live up to the original, it was a valiant? attempt that resulted in something delicious. I dug the sweet/smoky/spicy flavor of the chicken. It elevated the chicken finger to something much better. The accompanying slaw, biscuit, and potato wedges (with ranch dressing, natch) were also enjoyable. 

This got me thinking, what’s the spiciest fast food item you’ve ever eaten? Comment below. Now. 

Review by Mark!

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FGFB NEW YEARS CHINESE FOOD SPOTLIGHT: Lona’s Lil Eats in St. Louis

When I think about Chinese food two things come to mind: the culturally insensitive yet hilarious scene from A Christmas Story at the Bo Ling Chop Suey restaurant and tasty fried chicken pieces swimming in sweet and sour sauce. Americanized Chinese food is all I’ve known and it’s helped me through some tough spots. It’s a great comfort food. When I’m sick I always order an extra spicy General Tso’s to clear out my system. Not pretty but effective.


Most St. Louis Chinese restaurants taste the same so I thought I’d review a bona fide authentic spot called Lona’s Lil Eats. Don’t let the cutesy name fool you, their food will still put you in a warm and fuzzy food coma (AKA the itis.)

You need to get here early. On a recent Wednesday night around 6PM nearly all the tables were filled. On a weekend you’ll be waiting in a line that might spill out onto the sidewalk. As you’ll see, it’s worth the wait.

The setup is simple. You pick a protein-STEAK, CHICKEN, SHRIMP or tofu for people who hate themselves. Then you pick your meat carrier-a flour tortilla or rice paper. I’ve tried both and I prefer the tortilla, the rice paper wrap’s texture is a bit too slimy for me. There’s a few more options for extra fillings but for me it’s all about the special sauce you can choose. The spicy sesame is killer. It’s made from scratch and has that perfect balance of heat so you’re not grasping for water after every bite.

That’s my friend’s order. She got the same thing I did albeit with a different side. That spicy eggplant is serious business.

My order with some mystery greens and a $3 Busch tallboy. Sans bearded hipster.

This is a genuine pose and how I usually eat. With gusto.

Lona’s, thanks to a ton of positive word of mouth and local reviews, is always busy and rightfully so. It’s reasonably priced, the portions are huge, and they only use fresh ingredients. I like that the space is versatile, go there with friends or a date or just pick up some take-out.

I’m off to double-fist some crab rangoon to get all this healthy-ish food out my system. 

-Mark

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