Sunday, December 8, 2019

Vegetarian Burgers? The Fat Guys Do The Impossible (Whopper)!

As many a fat guy are want to do nowadays, I've toyed with vegetarianism. I'm no spring chicken (man, I could wreck a bucket of spring chicken right now), and I'm sure I have the cholesterol of a much older gentleman. Though I do have a soft spot for animals, my interest in the diet change actually had more to do with being healthy.

fitness bunny GIF

Admittedly, it was hearing a post-heart attack Kevin Smith on the Joe Rogan podcast, that got me thinking. He stated that even after he gave up sugar and lost a ton of weight, that it wasn't enough to stop his cardiac scare, and he "at best, postponed it for some years". That the only way to really clear your arteries is to go meatless.

kevin smith dogma GIF

Face to face with the concept of my own mortality, I decided it was time to make a change... and being shunned by the other FGFB writers be damned! For about a month I cut out most sugars (excluding natural sugars, such as fruit), most grains (such as bread), and went meatless (save for one bomb ass turkey sandwich which will most likely be a review in the future). There was a noticeable change, but more in my mental state (much happier, less anxious) and my energy level (I actually had some). I did notice some minor weight loss, but I'm starting to think the only way I'll ever look like The Rock is if someone leaves a wax statue of him out in the sun too long.

the challenges are not only epic but borderline insane GIF by The Titan Games

Though somewhat discouraged, I mostly stick to that similar diet, eating as little meat and carbs as I can muster the strength to avoid. However, much like any fatty in denial, I still treat myself several times per day for my efforts in being healthy. But, I do pay attention to what other people in this grotesquely vain society we live in are doing; and I kept hearing the phrase "impossible burger." And I realized, on one of my trips to use fast food to soak up the tears of self loathing that just won't stop falling from my eyes, that Burger King serves the Impossible Whopper!

Now, I must make a quick note here because I would expect that regardless of where my review goes from here, someone would mention "well maybe you had a lucky, or maybe you had a bad fast food experience! Not all BKs are as good as others!" And this is true. So, in the interest of quality control, I go to a Burger King that is not the closest to me, but one that has proved to be the most consistent in order accuracy, presentation and quality.

Also, I got the holy grail of order numbers...

Yup, and because I'm a CHILD when the woman at the counter said "Sixty-nine!" I made her repeat it three times, much to the entertainment of the dozen or so UberEats drivers chomping at the bit to get their to-go orders. *666 would've also been cool, but without an external speaker to blare some death metal, i'm not sure my iPhone would've cut the mustard in that scenario.

Animated GIF

Okay, now on to this damn review. The presentation was decent. I went in actually optimistic. It truly did look like a real burger... I mean, the coloring was a little light compared to that of a good ol' fashioned charbroiled whopper, and though it's a bit hard to tell, it DID look a little too perfect... and shiny almost... like when you buy a rubber squeaky burger toy for your dog. It looked so much like a burger, it looked artificial.

Upon first bite, I went "Hmm... I'm impressed!" Texture and taste appeared to be damn close to a real beef burger. I couldn't believe it.

But as I ate on, something changed. The amount of lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, ketchup and mayo that topped this Impossible patty started to become more and more apparent... as if they were hiding something sinister.

evil smile GIF

The taste of the burger began to go sour, as did my stomach. I tried to soldier on, figuring "well, it IS all plant based, it can't be PERFECT... stop being a wuss." I really did try you guys. But in the end, I quit. I did not finish the last 1/3 of the Impossible Whopper. It sucks. I hate it. It's the vaping of burgers... it's unholy, unnecessary and doggone it, a waste of time and money!

This is not some meat-loving foodie bashing all things vegetarian... in fact, since cutting out most meat, I've noticed a great reduction in how often I experience heartburn. I'm trying to focus on keeping in that zone, because the effects are all positive. But if you want a plant-based veggie burger (no soy, i'm trying to shrink my man-bosoms, not make them more perky and full), I recommend running down to your local super market and picking up a box of these:

Image result for amys california burgers

They're not pretending to bleed or taste like the real thing, but damnit they're edible, and with a little cheese and some russian dressing, you'll more than likely enjoy the little bastards.

To get that nasty garbage taste out of my mouth, thank god Burger King have lost their minds and decided to put $1 Tacos on the menu.

Now, are these the best Tacos ever? Nope. Are they better than Taco Bell? I think not. Are they still greasy and awful for you and delicious, yeah pretty much. They have that deep-fried shell, almost like a taquito from 7-11. And much like a 7-11 Taquito, they're best consumed when you're drunk and need to launch a pre-emptive strike on a hangover. However, that being said, it wasn't bad getting the taste of the IMPOSSIBLE-TO-EAT burger out of my mouth.

I give the Impossible Whopper an F (as in FU)
I give the BK Taco a B (as in B careful how many you consume)

Review by Dave

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1 comment:

  1. The hell? What planet is your Burger King on, that the lettuce looks like lettuce and not lettuce that should've been thrown out three days ago? I may need to move there.