Tuesday, April 22, 2014

ALL ABOOOOARD! The Unholy Burger: Trains of Maine

There's always rumblings about local burger joints, you hear this, you hear that, everyone and their mother wants to tell you where the best burger in town is. Well, if you happen to be in or around Lebanon, Maine, I've got the place for you.

I met one of the cooks one night, he went and told me about their burger selection over at Trains, a small bar nestled in the back of a gas station off of a highway. At first I was like "yeah yeah of course it's good." with a look of non excitement on my face and a little bit of aversion seeing as how I couldn't see how basically a gas station bar had real food. He then broke out in description of the very burger you're about to see reviewed. My ears perked, eyes twinkled, even pants began to tighten as he went into full description of how and what this burger was. We finished our convo and he left me with the impression that I needed to get down there and see what this place had to offer. So, the next weekend, I took the crew down to Trains.

We pulled into the gas station parking lot, looped around, and in the back was the entrance. We were informed by a sign on the door not to wear our colors, which I'm guessing is a good thing, other food reviewers don't want to set foot in our territory. Anyway, when you opened the door, the place opened up. A huge classic bar, large dining areas, a few games along the wall and some dimly lit seating but parts brightened up by the large open windows.

We ordered our food, and started with an appetizer of Mozzarella Sticks.


These were probably the best Moz Sticks I've had in my life. I know I know, they're Mozzarella Sticks and they're always good, but these, I even told the dudes I was going to make sure to mention these on the review. THICK as hell, you can tell they make them there and aren't frozen, and if for some reason they don't make them, don't tell me. I'd rather live this lie than know any other truth. When you go no matter what you do, get them and suck down the cheese out of it's crispy straw like a trapped survivor just finding jungle water.

The burger came, and I have to say, my eyes shot out of my head and hit a bullseye on the illuminated dartboard across the bar from me. I'm now blind and use voice recognition software to post this review. Parents, if you have children in the room, ask them to leave now, but you my dear reader. Prepare to have your vision permanently seared shut by the greatest burger you've ever pushed your squinty little pig eyes at, for beware:


A 1/2 Pound Black Angus Bacon Crusted Burger (bacon is used to form the pattie) with Salami, Pastrami, Pepperoni, Fried Jalapenos, Red Onions, Chipotle BBQ Sauce, Provolone, Swiss, and American Cheese.

Yep, you read right. This is the burger forbidden by the Bible. Much like wearing certain fabrics,  eating shellfish, kissing dudes butts, wearing gold, or using contraceptives, this burger will shoot you right into hell and into Satans dastardly arms. Is it worth it?


Quite honestly, this is the greatest burger I've ever tasted. I've been across the fattest country in the world multiple times, and Trains in Lebanon, Maine offers the absolute best burger you could wrap your lips around. LEMME TELL YA 'BOUT IT. First bite of this sinful behemoth, you get a flood of flavors. First thing that hits is the Pastrami, or maybe the Salami, in that mish mash of mouth pleasure it's hard to figure out which one is which because right behind it with a huge right hook is the pepperoni. Then right up behind that with a forearm smash is the bacon. Which I found odd, bacon being a supporting character in a cast for the this action packed summer movie blockbuster. Then, like Sly Stallone in The Expendables, there's the burger, carrying the weight of everyone else and just driving the point home that, yeah, you made a goddamn good choice.

The Jalepenos and Chipotle BBQ sauce added a little bit of heat to this guy, which you need in something so heavy and forboding. The sweetness of BBQ added another layer of flavor in between all of the meats, and the cheese, capped it all nicely in the back of your throat. The only criticism I might have, and I'll tell you, it's slight, is maybe slap another piece of cheese on there. I'm not sure how this would play with the flavor dynamic, but I could have used a little more cheese goo holding together all of these meat parts. I only mention it because, I'm so floored by this burger, it can't be perfect. BUT IT MIGHT BE.

I've only used this rating one other time, and it's for The La Festa Garlic Knot Pizza. Which if you live in NH and haven't gotten yet, stop reading this blog, we don't want you here. I think Trains has earned this, FGFB's highest honor. A burger that bucks thousands of years of papal oppression and lets a human being do what it does best, give its middle finger to the almighty creator and sin.

Trains: The Unholy Burger

 bravo. go to http://trainstavern.com look at their menu and find out how to get there!

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1 comment:

  1. A lot of stuff on that menu actually sounds pretty awesome for not a lot of $...nice.