Friday, October 31, 2014

Totino's BOLD: BBQ Chicken and Spicy Taco Style Rolls

Now that I'm sitting down to write this review, these may not be quite as new as I thought they were, but I'd never seen Spicy Taco Style or BBQ Seasoned Chicken Rolls before (and have actually only seen them in 1 Stop n Shop), so I figured it was worth letting the unwashed masses know if Totino's had added some badass, BOLD new additions to their lineup, or if they just put out utter garbage nobody should eat like they enjoy doing.

What I didn't realize (before paying 4 dollars, eating and not enjoying, then throwing out the bag) was that I'd already reviewed Jalapeno Popper rolls. Not only that, but I gave them a D-, which now, after having them again, I realize was being nice. They're easily an F. They taste like fake pepper flavor (closer to green pepper than jalapeno) with weird cheese ooze and a flavorless, hot aftertaste that didn't make me want to eat another one. I'm chalking up my forgetfulness not to an old, tired brain riddled with hits to the head and full of useless knowledge and empty spaces where things like the ability to socialize or remember bad food should be- no- I'm chalking it up to the Jalapeno Popper rolls being so bad that I chose to black out their memory. I buried their memory deep in my past, and they found a way back into my life. How BOLD of them. 

Really, I'm just real dumb. 

Anyway, my trip post is now a dub post. I should note that when I didn't remember I had already reviewed these, the Jalapeno Popper rolls were the ones I figured would be the one good roll out of the three. Yikes.

I made up a beautiful presentation of food and cooked it the way only a top tier chef would- throwing 3 in the microwave for 2 rounds of 35 seconds.


I mean-mugged the hell out of these rolls. If they were so BOLD as to enter my life and make me buy their forgotten brother- if they were so BOLD as to not exist in the nicely priced small boxes and cost 4 bucks each for a giant bag of probable crap, I would be BOLD right back in their face. 

because nothing says bold like a red bandanna headband

I cooked up some "Spicy Taco Style" rolls and opened the microwave to an overwhelmingly accurate taco smell. They certainly got that right. 

I then busted one of these apart. Boldly.

What's interesting about these is that the bag describes them as "Mexican style rolls with taco seasoned chicken and beef pizza topping in a golden crust." No mention of green peppers or jalapenos or whatever the huge chunks of green are in this. And what the hell is beef pizza topping? Isn't that just beef? Or did they coin the term "beef pizza topping" to use because it's not actually meat? 
Anyway, these tasted pretty much like spicy taco. I couldn't differentiate between chicken and beef pizza topping or taste cheese. So it was pretty much just taco-flavored goo. Which, if you're buying these, is really all you should want and expect. So these succeeded in at least tasting like what they should taste like, and then the heat kicked in. They were not kidding about these being spicy. In fact, they were so BOLD in their spice that these became hard to eat after a few. So I looked in the fridge for sour cream but came up empty. I did have some guac left over from the night before, so I gave it a shot.

And it was... ok. The guac disguised a lot of the taco flavor and sort of killed the heat, but it really ended up just being guac flavor followed by taco flavor followed by heat. And after 3, I was done. 
Gotta give these a C-, (C+ if you really like hot stuff). They taste quite a lot like taco, but the heat made them lose most of their good pretty fast. These were just too bold for their own good. 


Next up was the BBQ Seasoned Chicken Rolls, which again, I don't understand. Is it chicken seasoned with BBQ? Or is it just chicken and BBQ sauce like the bag says? Totino- you need to get someone to edit your shit.

Anyway, I was assuming these would be bad, but at the same time, I was a little excited. What if these were like tiny little BBQ chicken calzone bites? Could I have a cheaper, microwaveable version of one of my favorite things in the world?


The smell from the microwave told me that yes, I could. 

The inside told me that yes, I could. Sauce, chicken, cheese. Yes!


When you have a snack where you can't really ever taste cheese or meat, you live and die by the sauce. Seriously, I'd estimate the flavor percentages of a Totino's pizza roll is probably something like this: 

2% cheese
4% meat 
15% crust goo
79% sauce

When a snack's worth is determined almost exclusively by their sauce, that sauce had sure has heckfire be on point. And this wasn't. This sauce is initially very sweet and almost convincing as a good sauce, then the sweetness hits a really odd level of fake, candy-like, what-the-hell-kind-of-BBQ-sauce is this bad, then, after I swallowed the roll, turned into the only taste I should expect from these BOLD rolls by now- heat. 

tastes like burning

After only a few, I was disappointed and done. 

I've now tried 4 Totino's BOLD flavors (others here), and none got better than a C-.
So I had to ceremoniously take off my tough guy bandanna, turn my mean mug into a wimpy scared face, and surrender to Totino. They just proved to be too bold for me.


And when I say they were too bold, I want you to go ahead and take the O and L and turn them into an A. Yea, that spells BAD.

I reviewed Totino's venture into other flavors way back, and they didn't fare too well either. Really, the only one that stood out (that they should keep making) were the Cheesy Garlic rolls. I feel like Totino's is that band you used to love who put out an incredible debut album, a really good but not quite as good follow up, and has been searching for that magic ever since, putting out garbage upon garbage, trying new things one day, then blatantly trying and failing to recapture their sound from 10 years ago the next. And in the end, all you remember them for or care about is that first album and the one or 2 after it. And yet they keep on going, always disappointing you. 
Thanks for trying, Totino's, but I'm gonna go listen to your first album (cheese). 

-review by Mike

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  1. So Totino's Pizza Rolls are the Train ( or Maroon 5) of the microwaveable food world.

    1. you're admitting on the internet that you love train and maroon 5's first albums? man, you sure are secure with yourself!

  2. I hear you! what's wrong with just taco flavor? Oh that's right, that's not EXTREME and BOLD enough. lame.

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  4. My opinion is you shouldn't review bold rolls if you don't like the heat.

  5. Just tried the Totino Bold BBQ Chicken Pizza... too hot... other flavors... Couldn't have guessed it was chicken.