Monday, July 13, 2015

Pizza Hut PRETZEL Hot Dog Bites Bacon Pizza

Honestly, what can I say? What can I say that'll give you an accurate portrayal of the role that Pizza Hut has played here? Inventor? Savior? Mad Scientist? Could Pizza Hut be all three? Let me tell you a little something about this pizza.

The Pizza Hut Pretzel Hot Dog Bites Pizza
The only emoji I could think that would describe my mindset when I heard the big man on campus, Pizza Hut, was doing something this crazy, would probably be this one.

those little triangles aren't pizza slices are they? ARE THEY!?!? Oh just Doritos? cool.

Pizza Hut has delivered unto us, a pizza so far out there that, stoned teenagers of old spoke about it late at night, through a thick plume of marijuana smoke in their parents basements. Shamans and medicine men danced around fires, speaking tales of ancestors, who foretold of a prophecy. The halls of Valhalla, overflowing with endless bounty, filled with pizza, filled with hot dogs, wrapped, in pretzels....

I was undoubtedly excited about grabbing this. In the back of my mind, this pizza could possibly be a contender to the throne, which is currently held by The La Festa Garlic Knot Pizza.

I'm a sucker for PH's crust, and with their current creative management, who I believe to be the Kenny Powers of the pizza world, might as well be telling everyone else to not even FUCKING try.

With all this going for it, and with all this hype, Pizza Hut sure as hell still managed to mess it up.
The slices were incredibly thin. One of the best things PH has going for it is it's crust, and with this new iteration of "Bites", they completely ignored the actual pizza crust in the middle.

The sauce was weak, the cheese, thin, the bacon, whatever. The pizza within this was absolutely horrid. If it weren't for the pretzel hot dogs on the edges, I could have sworn this was a classic Mr. P's microwave pizza, but I sure as hell paid more than 99 cents for it. Absolutely disappointing.

So after forcing myself to eat weird cardboard pizza with bacon bits sprinkled on top, I directed my attention to the crust. Thick pieces of pretzels with a miniature hot dog encased within, split for easy handling. I was pretty impressed that it came with a small French's mustard for dipping.

These were exactly how you'd expect them to be. Fast food excellent. The pretzels were just like a soft one you'd get at TCBY on your way to gamestop. The hot dog, classic steamed meat squish. It was satisfyingly good, but I found myself not really gearing up for slice number two. The 300 Spartans that were currently waging war in my guts would not go down without a fight. After waiting about 10 minutes, my guts stopped churning, and the pleasant experience I had with the pretzel crust, made me think suffering through the extremely poorly crafted pizza was worth it. Until my guts churned again, and then the cycle began anew.

that pizza is TOO DAMN THIN.

I haven't been this let down since I found out Jesus Christ wasn't real. I had such high hopes for this thing, I can't believe Pizza Hut let all of us down like that. It's like they came up with the idea, and then just wanted to get it to press as fast as humanly possible, before any other competitor could use this absolute media golden hype train.

At the next Pizza Hut board meeting.

So, I'm going to give this pizza an F.
Not based soley on the food alone, but what it could have been, what it should have been, and how bad Pizza Hut just pissed, shit, and puked the bed on this. Go to HELL.

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  1. Excellent blog. I’m glad I discovered it because I love great food and I enjoyed all these great comments. Keep it going!
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  2. I missed trying this pizza, but I guess that turns out not to be too bad of a thing...