BURGER KING: WHOPPERITO

Let's not fart around with this intro. BK deserves to take a royal walk of shame Cersei-style. And I'm just the Septa to take it on this stroll down shit avenue! No, it's not for sticking "-ito" on the end of "Whopper", although I do picture Peggy Olson crying into her pillow when I consider that marketing decision. It's for an offense much, much more serious than that.

WHERE ARE MY WHOPPER DOGS?!

Of course we know from the commercials the King is a diabolical sociopath, but this is some next level fuckery.

On the heels of the dismal review I had assigned to the Extra-Long Buttery Cheeseburger, I turned around and awarded the Whopper Dog an A+, the only item I've given that grade to in nearly a year of fair and balanced food-bloggery. And then, just before I could have a second bite, the King slapped it out of my hands and the Whopper Dog bit the dust.

DAMN IT, KING! YOU HAD JUST GOTTEN OUT OF THE DOG HOUSE THEN YOU KICKED THE DOG OUT AND HEADED STRAIGHT BACK IN!

And as an extra flick in the nads, they left the regular grilled dog and chili cheese dog on the menu- they cut out Clint Eastwood and left us with The Bad and The Ugly!

            

Now, they roll out this so-called WHOPPERITO, just to rub salt in my wounds, and presumably some cumin and oregano as well.

Alright, alright. I've had my druthers and settled down a bit. To be honest, I was really quite excited to try out the Whopperito, but obviously the Whopper Dog left some big shoes to fill.

Basically, what I was picturing was the BK version of the McDonald's cheeseburger snack wrap from five years ago. Remember those little guys, before they came out with the whole big "healthy" McWrap with like cucumbers and fancy leaves and stuff? If I remember correctly, the first generation had three options: cheeseburger, and chicken (crispy/grilled). The chicken ones were legit, which led to its natural evolution, the aforementioned McWrap, but the cheeseburger one? All they did was take the contents of a McDouble and put them in a tortilla! Then they started getting real goofy about it- they did the Mac Wrap, the Angus Wrap, the Wrapper's Delight... it was a dark period of McDonalds history I refer to as to the Wrapture.

The Whopperito's promo picture had also left some ambiguity about what I was getting myself into. The white onions kind of looked like mayo, the tomatoes like ketchup, the cheese like mustard. And it gave no indication of the size. So I bought two, fully expecting to woof the little guy down in a few bites. 

DIOS MIO

Look at the size of this lump! This is exactly what my stomach would've looked like if BK had left the Whopper Dogs on the menu, stretch marks and all! And for $2.99?! Fair trade!

                                                 

I was immediately pleased at the first bite- nothing here but greasy ground beef accompanied by the strong taste of chili powder, which is pretty much how I make my burritos at home. My second bite revealed some crunchy white shit and some soggy red shit, which did more to vary the texture rather than the flavor, but there was bit of crunchy green shit that stood out (and it sure as shit wasn't lettuce). 

PICKLES

I don't know why, but I thought these pickles worked wonderfully- they cut through the single-note spicy beef flavor like Valyrian steel. Swing away, King Robert Burgeratheon! 

One minor goof here is a lack of sour cream. The spicy flavor comes from a condiment BK refers to as "creamy spicy sauce", but the former descriptor is severely lacking. I think there should be something else in the mix here besides the pickles to keep this beefy spice wad from being too uniform. Also, I didn't detect enough of that smokey chemical flavor to justify putting the word "Whopper" anywhere near this. On a side note, It'd be a neat experiment to try one of these with BK's stacker sauce instead of the creamy spicy one.

But all in all... crawl on out of the dog house, King. You can ride this review all the way back to the castle, because I'm giving you a B+. This spicy meat pocket (my nickname in HS) comes at a great price and its minor flaws could easily be covered up with a sour cream packet. Anybody hear ringing? Sounds like the Taco Bell death knell to me.

Review by Davos Sl33zworth

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Hold onto your butts! OREO is back with Key Lime Pie & Choco Chip flavors

Oreo please! Just RELAX! It's too much! These days it seems like there's a new flavor of Oreo out every few weeks. And with word on the wind of the fabled Swedish Fish Oreos, Fat Guy Food Bloggers around the globe are simultaneously begging you to stop, whilst pleading for more. So as we pump the breaks, and bring you this Jurassic sized 2 cookie review, (just kidding, my reviews are picture heavy and sparse with any real content) sit back, relax, breathe, and let my mouth do the tasting for you.

As the blog title suggests, I'm about to review Key Lime Pie Oreo, and the little less grammatically pleasing, Choco Chip Oreo. Let's sit down and get what you think would be the lesser of the two out of the way, Key Lime Pie.

Peeling back the top of this cookie bag, the room flooded with that sweet, limey thickness that can only really be described as... Key Lime Pie. I'm convinced Oreo should team up with Bath & Body Works, get their lead scent designers together to infuse Oreo scented body washes/scrubs/lotions/candles/whateverthefuck, and become the worlds most profitable company.

I'm enjoying this graham cracker cookie base they have here, it has a warmth to it that feels familiar, and then when the lime and....key?....come together, it delivers a slight tartness to the back of your mouth, and smooth creamy graham in the front. Overall pretty enjoyable, and a cookie that could easily become someones favorite. Mine?

You'll have to keep reading.

Up next: Choco Chip Oreos. This should be a no-brainer. Chocolate Chip Oreos? Of course they're going to be absolutely stellar.

The smell that exploded out of this package wasn't as identifiable as the KLP's. Right away it led me to believe there might be some oddness to what these cookies might taste like.

At first taste, I was unimpressed with these. And after much deliberation, the shop and I decided it tasted odd, not by so much of it's own design, but by the fact we had just eaten the Key Lime Pie Oreos, and with that flavor still overwhelming the taste buds, it threw off how these actually tasted. Cookie misdirection.

So with a fresh mouth, I revisited these guys, and came to the conclusion that these really shouldn't be named Choco Chip Oreo, but maybe Cookie Dough. They had that creaminess that you'd expect, but when all the elements of the cookie were together, it tasted a lot like premade chocolate chip cookie dough out of the tube, instead of a full blown cookie. It wasn't bad, but I think the hype machine that was my brain, made me think these cookies were going to be much different.

In the end, I think both of these had their charms. Key Lime Pie, much like Jeff Goldblum, ended up outperforming the other actor on stage, and forced me to change my ideas of what my cookie expectations in the future might be. While not bad, Choco Cookie Oreos ended up not giving a performance of note, and just kind of act as a placeholder until the cookie guys can figure out just how to bioengineer them properly.

I give Key Lime Pie Oreo a B+

and Choco Chip Oreo a C. 

Review by Josh

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Dunkin' Donuts Summer Update: Maple Sausage Breakfast Sandwich and Sweet Citrus Donuts!

Summer! It's that very special time of the year when our climate most closely resembles that of Hell. In Boston, [at the time of this writing] temps have been consistently in the mid-90s with 50-75% humidity. Some people don't mind it, personally, I can't stand it. I've lived in New England my whole life so I'll take Hoth over Tatooine any day. The constant swelter makes me uncomfortable, irritable, and constantly drained. (People from other parts of the US are probably thinking "Hey, that's how New Englanders always are!")

 Everybody's all sweaty, the beach is overcrowded, and any time-off from work approaches like the event horizon of a black hole. And frustratingly, at times, the heat can even make some of my favorite foods like burgers and pizza seem heavy or repulsive. That's a legit problem for a guy who writes for a blog that's mostly about junk food.

Well thank heavens the pride and joy of Massachusetts, Dunkin' Donuts, has a pretty good idea of what I'm going through. They've freshened up their menu with some summer snacks for people like me, so that we don't have to skip breakfast with our morning iced coffee. 

Here's what they came up with!


KEY LIME SQUARE DONUT

A square plain donut with a lime jelly-like filling and topped with icing and graham cracker crumbles- sounds pretty good to me!

It's super sweet with mild tartness from the filling, which is a ringer for what you'd expect in a key lime pie. The crumble tastes like coffee cake, adding notes of cinnamon into the mix.

Not bad at all! Certainly a preferable alternative to, say, a Boston Creme on a hot day. It's probably just me, but the key lime filling gave me a real hankering for a margarita or six.

LEMON CROISSANT DONUT

I was excited about trying this one because I'm a big fan of Dunks' Glazed Croissant Donut. If you haven't had one before, it's mostly the textural differences that make it different from the regular glazed, but it delivers. One of my bucket list items is to take two and use them as cheeseburger buns. Yeah, I should probably keep that one towards the bottom of the list.

Huh. The graham cracker crumble is crashing this party, too. Graham cracker crumble, aren't you having your own party next door? What are you doing here? 

this looks like a school picture

A few bites leave this question unanswered. These cinnamon notes are kind of just hanging around, getting in the way of the excellent taste of the croissant donut and dulling the lemon flavor. On top of that, it makes the two flavors too similar. A shame.


LEMON POPPYSEED MUFFIN

Wow, I can't even remember the last time I had a muffin. On their own, they're just crumbly lumps of bread with sugar and little pieces of fruit added- like the Great Depression equivalent of a cupcake. Truly, the most bland and easily passed over offering in all of breakfastdom. 

The Lemon Poppyseed Muffin doesn't rock the boat, but it's really not bad either. Soft, even crumb, and well-balanced flavors. It fulfills it purpose as a light summer breakfast option, and that's pretty much all I can say about it. 

MAPLE SAUSAGE BREAKFAST SANDWICH

Wait, whaaat? Since when is maple a summer flavor? Don't mess with me, DD, this is definitely a fall flavor. 

Well, it doesn't matter because this sandwich was easily the best of all these offerings and I'd gladly have it any time of the year. 

I ordered mine on toast, which is a nod to my usual go-to at Dunks, the legendary Big N' Toasted. The maple flavor of the sausage tasted a bit artificial, and the sweetness lingered a little long, but those are nitpicky details. It's a delicious sandwich.

So to wrap it up, here's the report card.

LEMON POPPYSEED MUFFIN: B.
KEY LIME SQUARE: B.
LEMON CROISSANT DONUT: D.
MAPLE SAUSAGE BREAKFAST SANDWICH: A!

If any of these sound like they might tickle your fancy, I wouldn't wait around to try them. I was at the grocery store last week and they were putting Halloween candy on the shelves. In the business world, fall is just around the corner and soon it'll be pumpkin spice every-damn-thing-everywhere. You won't be able to take a shit without it smelling like pumpkin spice! So get all your summer treats while you can. And try to stay cool ;)

Review by sl33zy

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MORSEL & Bean in Seattle! The biscuit kings of the Pacific North West!

As I prepare to depart Seattle I decided that I needed to do a review of my absolute favorite place to eat in here. I decided that the criteria to base this on was the place that I've gone to the most and never gotten sick of it once. Well, that place is easily Morsel & Bean in Ballard. They do biscuits, you see. Before I visited them that first time, I didn't really care one way or another about biscuits. But during my daily walks I passed the place and always saw it full of people so naturally I was interested. One day I decided to stroll through the door and my life was never the same. 

Morsel makes their own biscuits, biscuit sandwiches, and excellent coffee drinks. On average they will have their classic Buttermilk, Cheddar Chive and then usually a special flavor. I'm here to tell you this, it doesn't matter what you get, every single thing they offer is fantastic.

Remember Mike? He visited me in Seattle and I brought him to Morsel!

I'm going to tell you about a few of their offerings, but let's start with my absolute favorite. The "Fast Break." Bacon, egg, cheddar, and roasted tomato jam on the biscuit of your choice. I got it on a cheddar chive in this picture here. The biscuit itself is hearty and dense, yet also fluffy and flaky at times. Generous portion of egg and bacon, and then tomato jam. But if you're looking at this one, wondering why that tomato jam looks a little weird, it's because it's not tomato jam at all. It's bacon jam. Listen, if you don't know about bacon jam, at this point, you need to go spend a few minutes on Google educating yourself. Bacon jam comes in many different styles, I honestly have never had two that were the same, but I have liked them all. That being said, Morsel makes the best bacon jam I have ever tasted, hands down. 

I can't tell you what's in it besides bacon, but i can tell you it's delicious, sweet and has a nice spicy bite to it. Not only do I get it every time I visit Morsel, but most times I even get an extra side of Bacon jam to use later in the week. So believe me, while the tomato jam is good on the Fast Break, bacon jam takes it to the next level. 

Now if you're in the biscuit game already and bacon jam alone doesn't get you where you need to be, might I suggest adding some of their maple butter to the Fast Break in addition to the bacon jam. Gives it that burst of sweet maple flavor before the burn creeps in. Seriously, this is just about one of the most delicious things you will ever eat on planet Earth. 

Not sure the usual breakfast sandwich is quite what you're looking for? Perhaps try the Cheesy Biscuit. It's an open face biscuit topped with roasted garlic butter, Beechers Cheese Curds, and roasted tomato jam. Again, this is one amazing sandwich, but folks, when you're going head to head, bacon vs tomato, bacon is going to take it ten out of ten times. This sandwich is buttery garlic goodness. The melty cheese curds are creamy and burst with flavor. Pro tip, you can add crumbled bacon to this one if you're looking to roll like the FGFB crew. If a sandwich doesn't have Bacon squared, you probably aren't doing it right. 

But listen, I know there are some weird mutant freaks out there in the world who don't like bacon. It's a big crazy world and we're all different. For those of you, if you're looking to try something different on your Cheesy Biscuit, I suggest Morsels own Apple Butter. It's a sweet and savory treat that tastes like something way to fancy for me to be eating while watching Rick and Morty in my underwear on a Saturday.

While we're talking Apple Butter, one of the dudes at Morsel also introIduced me to putting it into lemonade. When he first suggested it, I recoiled as if he had suggested pouring battery acid into it. Which, a moment later made no sense whatsoever. He assured me it was incredible so I tried it and let me tell you, it's a summer drink you never thought of, but should have. The cinnamon & sugar in the apple butter makes for a nice swirl and the apple pulp you suck up through your straw gives the lemonade a whole new life.

Looking for something a little more tart? Give their Strawberry Balsamic Jam a try. I would usually get a Fast Break and then also get another biscuit with a side of this stuff. It's incredibly flavorful, in fact, most times if I don't use it all on the biscuit, I will just eat the rest. Big chunks of strawberries too. The "fixins" also include classics like Honey Butter, Chocolate Hazelnut Butter, and Herbed Goat cheese. But if you want to know my runner up behind the bacon jam, it's something I never knew existed before I hit up Morsel. FIG HONEY. It's just honey with fig chunks in it. It has also joined the ranks of one that I get an extra side of to use later in the week. Give it a try for sure!

They whip up all manner of fancy coffee drinks, hot chocolate, and Chai Lattes. As well as cold brew coffee, juices and much more. But you know what else they have? An awesome staff. The crew in their Ballard location are always friendly and incredibly nice. Even on a Saturday morning when the line is thirty people long, out the door and down the sidewalk. As someone who came to this city not knowing anyone, I found it really refreshing how friendly they were, because it's not always that way out here! The mood in the place is always upbeat and fast paced, but they never shy away from great customer service.

If you want one last indication of how much I loved this place, I hate waiting in lines and nine times out of ten if there was a line of thirty people before me, just about anywhere, I would bail on it and leave. I've waited in the line at Morsel on a Saturday morning when I thought I was going to beat the lines and go early. Guess what? Other people were way more dedicated to that plan. But I waited. Not just once, I waited in a line like that multiple times and didn't even worry about it once. And I'd do it again. It's that damn good. 

I'm giving Morsel an A+. Before them, I never knew that biscuits could be more than those powdery fake butter tasting ones that KFC deals out. It was always fun to try their flavor of the day, but even on the days when I went late and they didn't have any of those left, I was never disappointed, because the buttermilk are that damn good. Greatest Bacon Jam on Earth, and awesome staff, this place has it all. If you live in Seattle and haven't been, make the trip. If you visit Seattle and you're snapping selfies by the Fremont Troll, take a quick detour to Morsel. If you've never thought of visiting Seattle, well...Morsel is reason alone. I think that just about gets my point across.  

For more info on Morsel & Bean, check out their website!

http://www.morselseattle.com/

Review by Rich Brunelle, who has written his last food review in Seattle for the time being. But that doesn't mean he doesn't still have a few Seattle reviews to send out when he gets back to the East Coast.

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Jack in the Box: Sriracha Curly Fry Burger Munchie Meal with a side of Panko Onion rings!

If there's one thing Jack in the Box knows about, it's that sometimes, late at night, people find one reason or another to need to chow down on junk food.  Sometimes it's due to late night cravings after following a strict diet for weeks. Other times it's because you're on the way back from a night of partying and need a belly full of fried to soak up all that beer. Or, you just plain have the munchies, and in this wonderful state of Washington where some things are more legal than in other places, that can happen quite often. 

Not to mention this is Microsoft ground zero, and gamers need late night junk food more than possibly anyone on the planet. What other fuel can carry them into that 14th hour straight of Rocket League?

Very often in these times, the people searching for this food have a hard time making up their minds, so Jack in the Box made it easy for them. Munchie Meals. One box, loaded with everything you could possibly need to put that late night hunger beast at bay. Today we check out the Jack in the Box Sriracha Curly Fry Burger Munchie Meal!

So I hit up a local Jack in the Box, rolled up to their drive through window and ordered this box of insanity, but then I spied those Panko Onion rings I have heard so much about, so I got an order of those too. All in a days work. But what exactly is in this Late Night Munchie Meal?

First up, you get your fountain drink. It's from one of those fancy new machines where you can add flavors to every kind of soda pop you can think of. I'll never complain about those machines because they are a fat mans vision of the future. I can pop some vanilla in root beer and make it instantly better? Or some strawberry flavor in my Sprite? DONE DEAL. Then, you also get two tacos.

I'm going to be honest with you. When I unwrapped this taco I tried to tell myself that there might be some way that it's at least passable. That a taco made at Jack in the Box might somehow at least be halfway decent. It's not. They are so bad on every level. I strolled into this wanting to give a glowing review but the first thing I take out is just...bad. The shell is like a soggy wad of cardboard that someone threw some strange meat, a few strips of lettuce and a third of a bottle of hot sauce into.

I finished this first one. It was my duty as a food blogger. However, I will let you know, one bite into the second one it met it's untimely end by plunging into the trash can But then I helped myself to a few curly fries, which were actually really good despite being thrown into this box without any sort of packaging at all. There are regular fries mixed in there too and they were also great. Cooked just right. They refer to this mix-up as "Halfsie Fries." I approve because I do often find myself having a hard time deciding between the two.

Then there's the main event. The Sriracha Curly Fry Burger. A cheeseburger topped with curly fries and a creamy Sriracha sauce. The picture of it on the display promoting it made it look like it was no less than eight inches thick, with at least as many fries pouring out of it as there are inside the box around it. Real life, it was a little different looking...

The tacos brought me down. The fries brought me back up. One look at this sad little burger and I felt like the Munchie Meal may have failed me. But then I took a bite...

And I was reminded that I should never judge a book by it's cover. This burger was actually really tasty! The bun was really fresh and chewy and the fries on the burger were still hot and crispy. The cheese made a nice creamy layer between the Sriracha sauce and the fries, keeping them fresh for longer. Someone up there in Jack in the Box HQ was really thinking when they put this together.

The burger ended up being a good time. There were lots of flavors and textures coming together that I really enjoyed. Curly fries on a burger should become a normal thing. If I had to deal out one piece of advice to the folks at Jack in the Box, it would be to abandon the tacos completely. Not just in this Munchie Meal, but everywhere. Just stop it. They aren't good! Replace them with literally anything and this meal would instantly be better. Think about it? Two Tacos worth of chicken nuggets? How about just more fries? Maybe some sort of desert item? Anything. But. The. Tacos.

But I also had to try these Panko Onion rings. We had a couple of readers write to us and ask us to give them a try so I was all about it. Especially when I realized that I could dip them into a Die Hard themed bbq sauce! The verdict? They are spectacular.

No lie. I was quite impressed with these! Panko breading is always so good and if you've ever had panko onion rings at restaurant, you realize that it's a flawless pairing, and Jack in the Box didn't cut any corners with these. Did I need them with the Munchie Meal? Probably not, but they definitely left me happy after the taco fiasco and left me wanting to go back and get more!

In the end I would say the Munchie Meal is a great deal no matter what. For the price you get a ton of food. The Tacos might have been god awful, but the rest was fun, quick and solid. Lots of enjoyable flavors and textures that a mind looking for a "Munchie Meal" should find quite enjoyable. I give the Sriracha Curly Fry Burger Munchie Meal a B-.

Panko Onion Rings get an A. So damn good. But be careful if you let them get cold and then decide not to chew them much, it's like swallowing a saw blade covered in broken glass.

For more information on these and other Jack in the Box offerings, check out their website!  https://www.jackinthebox.com/

Review by Rich Brunelle, who currently lives in Seattle but only for a very, very short amount of time.

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